One of the best things about traveling is the people you meet in your journey. And it's amazing how much you learn from them. Other than seeing various places, understanding the culture, the life of the native people, I have spent a considerable time with other backpackers from different other places of the world. I have learnt about places and culture that I was barely aware of from these fellows. One such place is of course Israel. About 80% backpackers I met were Israelis. Remaining 20 were French, Spanish, few Americans and others.
After I realized I was the lone tourist in Rahul Guest house at Assi Ghat, I shifted to a new place, called Ganga Bank Guest House where Marti, Loiya and Jordi were living. They were three friends from Barcelona whom I befriended during a morning boat ride. Having quite an American accent (a very helpful thing when you are a lone Indian girl traveling. You can pretend you are not local, to stop Indian men pounce on you. In some ways they fear foreigners) they presumed, I was an American..which however I clarified (I try to tone down my accent a lot when speaking to Indian people in English,I don't know why they find it offensive!). The guest house people initially seemed very nice, but turned out to be pieces of craps. The woman had 4 daughters, all were away (either married or abroad for studies) other than her younger one. I took a corner room, for 200INR a night. Most of the time there was no electricity, but I was thrilled that there was an Western style bathroom with marbled floor and a shower that actually worked!
I went with the Spanish guys to Sarnath. In the next two days we became good friends. Loiya could speak Kavalan language, she belonged to that tribe. There seemed to be a few other backpackers who knew her language at the Singh guest House (where we used to eat, food was amazing, cheap and ummm...delicious!). Evening we went to the main Ghat for Arati (second time for me, and I loved it). I also went to the Golden Temple (the police were so rude, harassing..also they thought I was a tour guide since I was with what they call "foreigners") and left my stuffs with Loiya. Later we went shopping together. At idle times, over lunch and dinner we used to talk about our lives, culture, living. Loiya was a drawing teacher, Marti a teacher for autistic children and Jordi was a mechanical engineer, but he quit his job before coming to India and wanted to do something new. Jordi was plump with a french beard, never married, but extremely jolly and good at heart. So were the girls. Loiya was divorced. And Marti never married either.So technically we were a bunch of singles.
A few guys at the guest house asked me, why I was traveling with "foreigners". Hah, how could I explain that Indian backpackers are practically nonexistent? I would be happy to club with another fun loving guy/gal from country backpacking like me! I found none. But on a serious note, it's been now so many years I have befriended this whole world. These people don't feel anymore stranger than I am to myself. How can anyone understand that? Like Jane says, the whole world feels like home. It's been eight long years that those boundaries have been broken. In the last two years,I have lived, loved, fought, had the best times with "these" people that people of my country gape at, as if they are from some other planet. To many of them I have been able to relate more those of my place. I still remember at Aurangabad sitting in a "kala jeep" a poor woman and her two daughters were mesmerized by me. I could not follow their language, but they wanted me to come to their house. I went there, a house smaller than the size of my bedroom, with a roof so low, that I could barely stand upright. I was scared at first, but it was okay. They were so happy to have me there ....and I realized that they are quite unaware of the all-so modern civilization in a city (Mumbai) just next to them. I also felt funny thinking that I could relate to Julia and Mandy much more than I could to these people, who were my very own. I have a feeling in America, (or other European countries) two Americans, no matter how rich or poor can relate better to each other, than to a person from a different race or country. May be cause they speak the same language?
The diversity in my country amuses me. This is a place like no other.
Coming back to where I was. Second day in Varanasi, I was having food with my Spanish friends at the Singh Guest House when I met Betty. Betty was sitting alone in the couch, talking to Dannie, one of the hotel boys. Betty first thought me to be an Italian (an Indian backpacker is out of imagination), but ofcourse I introduced myself. Betty was from Israel, a country I barely had any idea about. Turned out Betty and me were to leave for Rishikesh on the same day. So, we thought we could travel together. I wouldn't deny, sometimes I found her very loud and insistent in her talks. I was a bit scared of her too...she was really strong and tall compared to me. And yet, in course of our travel I became so fond of her, it was difficult to let go.
During my last dinner together with Spanish guys, Loiya said I touch people's heart very easily. I don't know about that. I knew all those encounters were brief, and yet I wanted to absorb as much as I could. I wanted to picture Spain, and their lives there, about Marti's house near the beach, about the festivals they told me about. In the evening Loiya and I went to the Varanasi masala shop, and I showed her the unique masalas...they are the most unique thing in India.We bought a few of them, and she could take them home.I used to observe Loiya quite a bit. She looked soft and somewhat vulnerable, smoked 30 cigarettes a day, and used to take out her drawing book and sketch something whenever she found anything interesting. Or may just while waiting for food.
At Rishikesh, I used to share room with Betty and Ginger. Ginger was a read haired boy that Betty met at Leh and became friends. They met again at Rishikesh, while I was with Betty. I didn’t want to be very presumptuous about how it would be moving in with two Israelis; all I needed was some space in the bed to squeeze in. However, they happened to be the first Israeli people I ever made friends with, cause even in America I don't remember meeting any. Also with their white skin, I hadn’t been able to figure out their origin easily. In couple of days, I became very close to both Betty and Ginger who treated me like a young sister. Betty would yell at me sometimes even (she was 38) when I would jump out early from the bed! Ginger and I would make apple hookahs together and smoke at our balcony looking out at the Ganga. Sometimes we would sit together and Play “Shitted” a variation of “Uno”, the card game. But it wasn’t just them. The whole Laxman Jhula or..Rishikesh was full or Israeli tourists, to whom India is a second home.
Before I had met Betty, I was barely aware of Israel. Times, I had offended her by mixing up Iraq, Iran and Israel (THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT, JUNE!), because I knew so little of them. Vague stories like there’s some war going on there. I didn’t know about the people who lived there, and now I met them here, conversing with each other in Hebrew and yet pretty fluent in English. Israeli men, lot of them are brown, have deadlocks, and a strong built. Some of them are as white as Americans or Europeans. It’s hard to tell them apart at times. It’s a small country of seven million people surrounded by Muslim countries all around who continuously wedge war against them. And here I would come to the reason, why they visit India of all places, SO much.
After high school most Israelis have to join the army. Those few years are the toughest in their lives. No doubt they look so strong and robust! But to take a break, they run to some place, and obviously India is the cheapest for them. And then there is the temptation of cheap drugs. Where else would you get 5gms hash for $10? They come here, roam around for months, in the beautiful Himalayas..or just hang around at Rishikesh smoking, singing and sleeping. Though the country is mostly Jews, the people aren’t religiously fanatic. I heard there are some orthodox Jew groups. It is expected for Jews to stay home in Saturday and read the Torah (the book of Jews). And in come localities if you go out that day, they gonna attack you. There are no buses on Saturdays for this reason. But overall, the people looked neither orthodox nor conservative, or overtly religious. They were like us, the modern breed, simple, merry, gay.
The Israeli people aren’t really interested in the war. After the UN declared the partition of Palestine for a separate Jewish state in the 1940s, Israel accepted it, but the proposal was opposed vehemently by the Arab leaders who wedged a war against Israel. Since then the country is always targeted by the neighboring Muslim regions which do not accept Israel’s independence. There are numerous bombings from Gaza. I heard the West Bank people are more amicable. However the Israelis aren’t allowed to enter any of the Muslim regions (even their commercial airplanes do not fly over any of the Islamic countries!). I sometimes wonder if the common hostile feeling towards the Muslim makes India so much favorable to Israelis! There are surprise attacks in their country all the time (one such violent attack was when Golda Meir was the Prime Minister, and after the attack she resigned)..rockets missiles thrown every then and now! However the Israeli army is exceptionally strong, protecting such a small country and population from the ruthless attacks from all the sides.
As I figured out, Israelis don’t really want war. In fact they are quite accommodating kind of people. Another interesting thing that I figured out is that, in fact all the three religions Jew, Christian and Muslim are very related. All have their origins in Jerusalem. Jew is probably the oldest (Mary was a Jew?) followed by Christians. I suppose Mohammed the prophet was a Jew by birth as well. Sometimes I think in stead of fighting they should try to relate to the other more…but no matter. It’s just an odd thought.
Israelis are very modern (contrary to what I had in mind, Jews might be orthodox or , especially when you live amidst some Muslims countries, you dress and think conservative?). They turned out to be very educated as well. It is compulsory for all of them to go to school (and Bible is compulsory in school), and many of them have a bunch of degrees and diplomas. Ginger , who confessed to love learning, had degrees in Engineering, medical, philosophy, and finance. Before coming to India he worked as an investment banker. After returning he would go back to school to join MBA. Israeli girls are extremely pretty. They are not white like Americans or Europeans, but fair with a little brownish tinge, light brown or green eyes, long black or brown hair, and usually slim tall built. Betty had deadlocks. Some girls do. They are culturally very enriched too, took a lot of interest to know about India, or Indian music. Rickie and Judo in particular had amazing voices. They were exceptionally talented. Their music fetched me to Freedom café every evening, and it is where I met Melaine.
Melaine was a French guy, who spoke English as good as an American. And though he had dirty blonde long hair, people would often mistake him as an Israeli as well (may be cause everyone else is!). I moved in with Melaine after Betty left. I liked him. He was a student of ecology, traveling for a year now through Africa, Vietnam, SE Asia, Cambodia, and now India. He is joining Trinity College in fall. He is of my age, and has seen so much more of the world than I can imagine. He was for couple of years in California as an exchange student and has some of family in Boston. Melaine was basically from South France, didn't believe in any religion (I actually asked...I guess it's the same with all travelers ), and has his roots in Poland and Russia (his grandparents were Jews). Melaine would often catch up with some other French people. One of them was Damien, from Paris. He was very French. With his typical scarf and head cap. Melaine often told me people from Paris are very rude. He would talk to me about French girls, and about so many other things. We would order food, and most of the time his would turn out to be better and I would eat half of it. We would get cosy and joke about French affairs. Famous french lovers. Explore possibilities and kiss each other for hours when we were about to head off for a hike. And sometimes I would feel so lost. Lost, wondering what sets us apart...or are those boundaries just our imagination?
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Letter to my Sunset Boy
Dear Andrew,
I wish you would be here. Appear again. Talk to me a while, before you dissapear, again into the airs, into nowhere. Sometimes I sit by a river or walk alone through some woods, or a lonely road, I feel you would really come, appear next to me, talk to me and tell me things which will make my life so much easier like a magic. So many times I look around for a tall white lean boy...but you don't come. I am scared, are you my imagination just like Crystal? But Jesse says no. I have your picture. Once in a blue moon you write something strange in facebook, and usually never. I don't know where you are, how you are...you feel too much like a magic, even after so many months.
I have never felt for a guy, the way I have felt for you. We have never been lovers,nor did I yearn for it. Somehow you never seemed real enough for that. I have been in bed and very intimate with so many other men, and yet no one like you. I would just sit on that rock by the sea hoping you would appear from nowhere and talk to me. You have changed me in a time I was crushed and broken and unable to gather the pieces and put them together. You made me smile, you made me see reasons. You made me perceive life like I used to when I was that dreamy 16 year old. And I am so thankful sometimes. You don't know what you gave me.
Times I miss you so strongly. And times I just have imaginary conversations with you in my head. I can tell you everything, and you don't judge me. You know now I am publicly in a relationship. You wrote on my picture "You look beautiful. Happy that you r happy" . I am happy, you have showed me reasons. I have always been in a relationship, and now so as well, but that world is just my secret. Real only to me. Nobody would know, and for next couple years, this is my solace and escape. May be someday people would wonder...but if I cared what people thought, I wouldn't be here.
At least once in my life, I want to make some one really happy. I don't see life as a long endless journey. I can't see things too far. Like Kanes, I feel, in the longrun we are all dead. But in the next few years, I want every moment to count. I want to give Jesse more than I ever have, and I know I have to control my restless mind to make myself focus on me and him...but I would do that. Times, I know Jesse is the reason, that I am probably not a long gone past, a pretty picture with a garland on it somewhere in my mother's bedroom. Like last 6 months have more eventful than last six years of my life. It has changed me in a way, that when I look back at the girl coming back from Chicago, I can't recognize her. I regret no longer, life as you said, is about acceptance.
I often imagine you holding me tight in your arms, giving me a warm hug. I remember standing near the taxi, asking "Wont you give me one last hug?" Ofcourse, you would. I wish I didn't have to let go of that moment. You waved and waved and I kept watching through the rear window, till you faded in the darkness of the street, but stayed back lively, illuminated inside my soul.
I remember how somehow in the evenings you would appear (like from nowhere) and we would go to the rocks, watch stars and planets. I remember feeling like a "piece of shit" after I drunk myself to sickness at that guy's place and found myself in his bed the next morning. You made me feel so much better. Your hands are so big, mine were tiny compared to yours.You would take them into yours, sit quietly. We would listen to the waves, and talk about the continuity of life for millions of years. I loved how your face would look in the moonlight. The gentle breeze blowing across those dirty blond hairs. You would take me to a different world.
And I liked shamelessly holding your hands in the roads too, in the cab, in the icecream parlour, with all your friends there, or sometimes underneath the table.After you left, I went with Nicole to the Naturals icecream shop. I remembered us. You used to look so tempting in that white shirt...remember, I always told you? And whenever I think of you that's the picture I have of you in my mind.
You know I have thought so much about you during my time at Rishikesh and Varanasi. You used to tell me about the beautiful Ganga there, and it took me a while to realize why you were so mesmerized. It was a land hidden amaidst the cloud, and times I had felt so dazed, like I have never seen anything as beautiful as that. I would listen to your playlist while staring out at the broad river, the mist, the clouds, the hills. I would look back to my past, the millions of events, to Akash, to my dreams...those when I was young, when I was a teen, when I was 19 and those of today. Right now, I feel I don't have much. All I desperately seek is to feel life, and absorb all this beauty around. By now I have had the taste of all sorts of life, rags to riches...and it helps me understand what I really prefer. Sitting there in freedom cafe, listening to Hebrew music coupled with flute and gutar and tabla...with the Ganga flowing behind, I knew it was what I had longed for. The whole world was there, everyone with their story and somewhere there we were all connected. Somewhere there, we were all very similar. It's not that, I want to purposelessly roam around in life, I hope I go to school and do something meaningful and unique. But I hope I can attain this freedom as and when I want.I realized that my longings and expectations, my percetion of life do not match the slightest with my parents, my sister. My dad, in a talk to me (that I have recorded in my ipod) was telling : a measure of sucess in life is how quickly you can accumulate wealth and be known to ten people around you. My brother in law said, it's meaningless to go to a holiday and spent stay in a hotel worth less than 5K a night. They go to a place and talk about the money they spent, the luxury the enjoyed in a hotel.For me I need a clean place to dump my stuff and sleep.While I don't criticize them I feel bad when they try to look down on my way of life. Would they understand what joy me and Melaine felt after we crossed landslides fallen trees, lost our roads and found the waterfall at the top of the mountain? And then diving into it was priceless!!! They can never understand me, and vice versa. Oh yes, yes, I have longed for you so much on those days. It was a whole new world to me, a whole new adventure. Back home, it feels like a mess in my head. After two years, I feel it so tough to relate things back at home.
You said, I might just find a sunrise boy. True, during my travel I did find a French boy to wake up next to. But Andrew, nothing was like you. And it was silly of me, to try
to replace.
Sleeping with Melaine wasn't the right thing to do. I know I told you everything the other day. I tell you about these series of men, about Jesse, Akash. You are right, I worry too much. I need to work out what I want. And I have. And I think, I had enough craziness, it's time to sink into the calm.
I wish you would be here. Appear again. Talk to me a while, before you dissapear, again into the airs, into nowhere. Sometimes I sit by a river or walk alone through some woods, or a lonely road, I feel you would really come, appear next to me, talk to me and tell me things which will make my life so much easier like a magic. So many times I look around for a tall white lean boy...but you don't come. I am scared, are you my imagination just like Crystal? But Jesse says no. I have your picture. Once in a blue moon you write something strange in facebook, and usually never. I don't know where you are, how you are...you feel too much like a magic, even after so many months.
I have never felt for a guy, the way I have felt for you. We have never been lovers,nor did I yearn for it. Somehow you never seemed real enough for that. I have been in bed and very intimate with so many other men, and yet no one like you. I would just sit on that rock by the sea hoping you would appear from nowhere and talk to me. You have changed me in a time I was crushed and broken and unable to gather the pieces and put them together. You made me smile, you made me see reasons. You made me perceive life like I used to when I was that dreamy 16 year old. And I am so thankful sometimes. You don't know what you gave me.
Times I miss you so strongly. And times I just have imaginary conversations with you in my head. I can tell you everything, and you don't judge me. You know now I am publicly in a relationship. You wrote on my picture "You look beautiful. Happy that you r happy" . I am happy, you have showed me reasons. I have always been in a relationship, and now so as well, but that world is just my secret. Real only to me. Nobody would know, and for next couple years, this is my solace and escape. May be someday people would wonder...but if I cared what people thought, I wouldn't be here.
At least once in my life, I want to make some one really happy. I don't see life as a long endless journey. I can't see things too far. Like Kanes, I feel, in the longrun we are all dead. But in the next few years, I want every moment to count. I want to give Jesse more than I ever have, and I know I have to control my restless mind to make myself focus on me and him...but I would do that. Times, I know Jesse is the reason, that I am probably not a long gone past, a pretty picture with a garland on it somewhere in my mother's bedroom. Like last 6 months have more eventful than last six years of my life. It has changed me in a way, that when I look back at the girl coming back from Chicago, I can't recognize her. I regret no longer, life as you said, is about acceptance.
I often imagine you holding me tight in your arms, giving me a warm hug. I remember standing near the taxi, asking "Wont you give me one last hug?" Ofcourse, you would. I wish I didn't have to let go of that moment. You waved and waved and I kept watching through the rear window, till you faded in the darkness of the street, but stayed back lively, illuminated inside my soul.
I remember how somehow in the evenings you would appear (like from nowhere) and we would go to the rocks, watch stars and planets. I remember feeling like a "piece of shit" after I drunk myself to sickness at that guy's place and found myself in his bed the next morning. You made me feel so much better. Your hands are so big, mine were tiny compared to yours.You would take them into yours, sit quietly. We would listen to the waves, and talk about the continuity of life for millions of years. I loved how your face would look in the moonlight. The gentle breeze blowing across those dirty blond hairs. You would take me to a different world.
And I liked shamelessly holding your hands in the roads too, in the cab, in the icecream parlour, with all your friends there, or sometimes underneath the table.After you left, I went with Nicole to the Naturals icecream shop. I remembered us. You used to look so tempting in that white shirt...remember, I always told you? And whenever I think of you that's the picture I have of you in my mind.
You know I have thought so much about you during my time at Rishikesh and Varanasi. You used to tell me about the beautiful Ganga there, and it took me a while to realize why you were so mesmerized. It was a land hidden amaidst the cloud, and times I had felt so dazed, like I have never seen anything as beautiful as that. I would listen to your playlist while staring out at the broad river, the mist, the clouds, the hills. I would look back to my past, the millions of events, to Akash, to my dreams...those when I was young, when I was a teen, when I was 19 and those of today. Right now, I feel I don't have much. All I desperately seek is to feel life, and absorb all this beauty around. By now I have had the taste of all sorts of life, rags to riches...and it helps me understand what I really prefer. Sitting there in freedom cafe, listening to Hebrew music coupled with flute and gutar and tabla...with the Ganga flowing behind, I knew it was what I had longed for. The whole world was there, everyone with their story and somewhere there we were all connected. Somewhere there, we were all very similar. It's not that, I want to purposelessly roam around in life, I hope I go to school and do something meaningful and unique. But I hope I can attain this freedom as and when I want.I realized that my longings and expectations, my percetion of life do not match the slightest with my parents, my sister. My dad, in a talk to me (that I have recorded in my ipod) was telling : a measure of sucess in life is how quickly you can accumulate wealth and be known to ten people around you. My brother in law said, it's meaningless to go to a holiday and spent stay in a hotel worth less than 5K a night. They go to a place and talk about the money they spent, the luxury the enjoyed in a hotel.For me I need a clean place to dump my stuff and sleep.While I don't criticize them I feel bad when they try to look down on my way of life. Would they understand what joy me and Melaine felt after we crossed landslides fallen trees, lost our roads and found the waterfall at the top of the mountain? And then diving into it was priceless!!! They can never understand me, and vice versa. Oh yes, yes, I have longed for you so much on those days. It was a whole new world to me, a whole new adventure. Back home, it feels like a mess in my head. After two years, I feel it so tough to relate things back at home.
You said, I might just find a sunrise boy. True, during my travel I did find a French boy to wake up next to. But Andrew, nothing was like you. And it was silly of me, to try
to replace.
Sleeping with Melaine wasn't the right thing to do. I know I told you everything the other day. I tell you about these series of men, about Jesse, Akash. You are right, I worry too much. I need to work out what I want. And I have. And I think, I had enough craziness, it's time to sink into the calm.
Let's get back to Reality.
I am hitting the roads again, in about 15 days. I know it, just am unable to feel it.No matter what I say, I know I won't be back for 4 years.I am so unable to feel this, shit! I understand there is so much to do, but I am not doing. So I came to the conclusion that listing them down might help. Here I go
1) I need to find the apartment. With a nine month lease. So far I am nowhere. I am confused, perplexed and I see myself homeless in the future.
2) I need to ask OSU about my medical insurance.
3) Packing. I need to organize. I need to pack my 1)diaries 2)music CDs and books 3)clothes 4) utensils 5) home stuffs
4)I need to write a few goodbye letters
5) I need to look over the coursework
6)Buy some cheap books.
7)Study.And prepare myself!
Okay, I am not sure, I still know what to do. Damned. I was happy wondering in the Himalayas. Staying at "home" makes me feel so claustrophobic!
1) I need to find the apartment. With a nine month lease. So far I am nowhere. I am confused, perplexed and I see myself homeless in the future.
2) I need to ask OSU about my medical insurance.
3) Packing. I need to organize. I need to pack my 1)diaries 2)music CDs and books 3)clothes 4) utensils 5) home stuffs
4)I need to write a few goodbye letters
5) I need to look over the coursework
6)Buy some cheap books.
7)Study.And prepare myself!
Okay, I am not sure, I still know what to do. Damned. I was happy wondering in the Himalayas. Staying at "home" makes me feel so claustrophobic!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
A State of Eternal Trance
Not having the internet connection, I have been blogging in my diary for a while. I thought of typing them in today
Today is my last evening at Rishikesh. It has been pouring non stop. I am stuck upstairs at the Little Buddha cafe for hours.I am on page 477 of the book "Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffengger. I have been weeping like anything while reading it. Melaine was confused, but didn't know what to ask. Things have been very strange with him for the last couple days, he has been very solemn, unable to accept that he has to return back to France after over a year. He seems pretty self absorbed, and I have left him alone. For the first time, I am drinking tea during my travel; I feel a bit cold. I wish it would stop raining so I could at least go to the ashram and get something warm to wear.
For whatever reasons, Melaine and I, haven't had real sex yet.So in that case I am glad, I kept my promise to Jesse. I want to write about Jesse, so much to say. For last several months, some of which were the toughest time of my life, he has been there like the rock of gibralter. And yet, we have been fighting so much off late, sometimes I am unable to surmise the reason. He has sent me a few emails; I read them. He feels we should call it off. I feel so, sometime as well. And in couple hours, I realize, it's impossible.
While reading the Time Traveler's Wife, I think of Jesse quite a bit. Well...it's like I have known him all my adult life, and he has been my secret like Henry to Clare.Last night we were talking about flood experiences, I was telling Melaine about the rainy day
in Kolkata when I was stuck with Jesse, with water upto my waist, and we were sitting at the roof of the car, and then landed up in the police station. My parents were all freaked out. I can probably never forget that day. It was the "momentous" day that changed my life so completely; the day that decided me and Akash to be together. And that story continued for three years.
However to note, I really didn't tell Melaine about Jesse. All he knows, I had several lovers, and so did he. He had a bunch of bad experiences as well.
I remember Jesse making love to me when I was 18+. It was my first time. Clare was 18, Henry time traveled from when he was 41. I was reading, and all I could think of was me and Jesse.I was so scared as well. It hurt like hell, but it felt wonderful to belong to someone.
The whole thing has been so exciting for all these eight years. Often filled with guilt. With moments of infidelity, which have been worse off late from my side. May be cause I become more and more aware, that we aren't going to be together? That our's has no consequence whatsoever? Unlike at 16, when it seemed, love can make everything possible. And then there have been those tears. Knowing the obvious end. Since then, there have been so many men. On and off. And sometimes I feel I needed them. Just to understand, that no one can love me as much as Jesse.
I don't mind the lonliness today. I expected Melaine to be in a more normal mood, but I am not the kind who would bug about it. I stare out at the fast flowing Ganga, the huge mist around it and the barely visible Laxman Jhula.Very soon I have to let go of so many things and so many feelings.I won't see Rickie and Ettai, I won't see Gyan with his tabla lost in idle dreams, I won't see Dudo with guitar and Chris with his absolutely hippie looks. I won't get to talk Bengali with a brazilian boy like Madhavan , who is a bramhachari for four years now, somewhere in haridwar. I miss Betty and Ginger, who treated me like a sister. There's just so many thoughts in my head. And sometimes the whole thing feels so surreal, like I gonna wake up any moment from this long dream and find myself in the mondane predictable world. I wish I could wheed out all my feelings, but it's just so tough.
There's so much I want to write about, just don't know where to start. Landing in the tiny airport at Varanasi, ending up in an isolated Rahul's Guest house at Assi Ghat, walking alone though those narrow alleys and observing the quiet Ganga like no where else in Varanasi. And then going to Dwashamedha Ghat to watch the evening Aarti. I am Hindu, and I realized I have been so completely obilivious of my own rituals. The floating of the Pradips in the Ganga, the holy chants stir you in a weird way. You can feel it resonating inside your soul.
It's been a while now I have been spending my days among a bunch of backpackers, and in a way I am glad. I had been totally obilivious of this world and, the kind of life that I have been now living for past so many years, I guess I have become open to try everything and anything.I tried to go back to normal while being with Akash, but may be that's not written in my fate. A rule once broken, is broken for all. If you kill one, or you kill ten, you are guilty the same way. I won't say I am guilty, it's just that, in years I have realized I am no longer sure what defines me. If I was the typical Indian girl, I wouldn't have fallen in love with a midaged American married guy since sixteen. And all the time till 16, I had felt sex is too special, and I felt it for a little longer, and after twenty when you have it all the time...where as your other contemporaries are inexperienced virgins, some of whom have never even kissed, you feel you belong to a different world.
I don't think I understand feelings very well. Nor I understand my present state of mind, and why I am with Melaine.But somehow rightnow very little in life seems important. Let it pass.Soon I will be with Jesse, things back in place.
Sometimes it bugs me, because I feel I can't define myself. My morals, what I follow, and where I restrain. But sitting with these people, I finally for the first time feel very free. Nothing matters much. As long as you can relate to each other on something. I realize most of the people here feel very similar towards life...and may be that's why we are all here. They observe, they feel. They are dazed. they absorb. Sometimes te beauty is too intense. It hurts, till you give way to tears. I realize I love this life, much more than those fancy houses and cars, and pretty resturants and expensive clubs. At somepoint, it would exhaust me. And here, I wish I could freeze it to eternity. Into a life long adventure, one place to another. With no fear, no ties, and nothing holding you back. An unbelonged life.
Today is my last evening at Rishikesh. It has been pouring non stop. I am stuck upstairs at the Little Buddha cafe for hours.I am on page 477 of the book "Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffengger. I have been weeping like anything while reading it. Melaine was confused, but didn't know what to ask. Things have been very strange with him for the last couple days, he has been very solemn, unable to accept that he has to return back to France after over a year. He seems pretty self absorbed, and I have left him alone. For the first time, I am drinking tea during my travel; I feel a bit cold. I wish it would stop raining so I could at least go to the ashram and get something warm to wear.
For whatever reasons, Melaine and I, haven't had real sex yet.So in that case I am glad, I kept my promise to Jesse. I want to write about Jesse, so much to say. For last several months, some of which were the toughest time of my life, he has been there like the rock of gibralter. And yet, we have been fighting so much off late, sometimes I am unable to surmise the reason. He has sent me a few emails; I read them. He feels we should call it off. I feel so, sometime as well. And in couple hours, I realize, it's impossible.
While reading the Time Traveler's Wife, I think of Jesse quite a bit. Well...it's like I have known him all my adult life, and he has been my secret like Henry to Clare.Last night we were talking about flood experiences, I was telling Melaine about the rainy day
in Kolkata when I was stuck with Jesse, with water upto my waist, and we were sitting at the roof of the car, and then landed up in the police station. My parents were all freaked out. I can probably never forget that day. It was the "momentous" day that changed my life so completely; the day that decided me and Akash to be together. And that story continued for three years.
However to note, I really didn't tell Melaine about Jesse. All he knows, I had several lovers, and so did he. He had a bunch of bad experiences as well.
I remember Jesse making love to me when I was 18+. It was my first time. Clare was 18, Henry time traveled from when he was 41. I was reading, and all I could think of was me and Jesse.I was so scared as well. It hurt like hell, but it felt wonderful to belong to someone.
The whole thing has been so exciting for all these eight years. Often filled with guilt. With moments of infidelity, which have been worse off late from my side. May be cause I become more and more aware, that we aren't going to be together? That our's has no consequence whatsoever? Unlike at 16, when it seemed, love can make everything possible. And then there have been those tears. Knowing the obvious end. Since then, there have been so many men. On and off. And sometimes I feel I needed them. Just to understand, that no one can love me as much as Jesse.
I don't mind the lonliness today. I expected Melaine to be in a more normal mood, but I am not the kind who would bug about it. I stare out at the fast flowing Ganga, the huge mist around it and the barely visible Laxman Jhula.Very soon I have to let go of so many things and so many feelings.I won't see Rickie and Ettai, I won't see Gyan with his tabla lost in idle dreams, I won't see Dudo with guitar and Chris with his absolutely hippie looks. I won't get to talk Bengali with a brazilian boy like Madhavan , who is a bramhachari for four years now, somewhere in haridwar. I miss Betty and Ginger, who treated me like a sister. There's just so many thoughts in my head. And sometimes the whole thing feels so surreal, like I gonna wake up any moment from this long dream and find myself in the mondane predictable world. I wish I could wheed out all my feelings, but it's just so tough.
There's so much I want to write about, just don't know where to start. Landing in the tiny airport at Varanasi, ending up in an isolated Rahul's Guest house at Assi Ghat, walking alone though those narrow alleys and observing the quiet Ganga like no where else in Varanasi. And then going to Dwashamedha Ghat to watch the evening Aarti. I am Hindu, and I realized I have been so completely obilivious of my own rituals. The floating of the Pradips in the Ganga, the holy chants stir you in a weird way. You can feel it resonating inside your soul.
It's been a while now I have been spending my days among a bunch of backpackers, and in a way I am glad. I had been totally obilivious of this world and, the kind of life that I have been now living for past so many years, I guess I have become open to try everything and anything.I tried to go back to normal while being with Akash, but may be that's not written in my fate. A rule once broken, is broken for all. If you kill one, or you kill ten, you are guilty the same way. I won't say I am guilty, it's just that, in years I have realized I am no longer sure what defines me. If I was the typical Indian girl, I wouldn't have fallen in love with a midaged American married guy since sixteen. And all the time till 16, I had felt sex is too special, and I felt it for a little longer, and after twenty when you have it all the time...where as your other contemporaries are inexperienced virgins, some of whom have never even kissed, you feel you belong to a different world.
I don't think I understand feelings very well. Nor I understand my present state of mind, and why I am with Melaine.But somehow rightnow very little in life seems important. Let it pass.Soon I will be with Jesse, things back in place.
Sometimes it bugs me, because I feel I can't define myself. My morals, what I follow, and where I restrain. But sitting with these people, I finally for the first time feel very free. Nothing matters much. As long as you can relate to each other on something. I realize most of the people here feel very similar towards life...and may be that's why we are all here. They observe, they feel. They are dazed. they absorb. Sometimes te beauty is too intense. It hurts, till you give way to tears. I realize I love this life, much more than those fancy houses and cars, and pretty resturants and expensive clubs. At somepoint, it would exhaust me. And here, I wish I could freeze it to eternity. Into a life long adventure, one place to another. With no fear, no ties, and nothing holding you back. An unbelonged life.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Can I cry...please?
I am tired.
I wish someone was here, to hug me. To put his/ her arms around me. And I could just cry. I pretend I am perturbed, but it will be all fine. I pretend I don't care. But I do. Sometimes I am tired pretending to be strong, pretending I have moved on, and pretending to be someone else. How easy...every time his thoughts come in my mind, I pretend I am not me, I think I am Crystal, I believe so..and those memories don't hurt me, or even touch me cause they are not mine. I think of some imaginary lover Mike, some imaginary stuff and escape the reality.June stays as a shadow. It's so much fun.
I have no one to love me. There's probably so much wrong with me, and I realize that. After I came home from Mumbai, two days yelling screaming continued with mother. Her cursing... how I will suffer cause I hurt her. She will see to it.I don't believe in family; I don't think I will ever again. I did once with Akash, but I have been so wrong. Last six months have seen me to change into a completely different person who even I fail to recognize. A person so detached from anything or anyone, just ready to run away.
I can't stay with a crowd, I can't stay with anyone. I feel forced, compelled with everything and I desperately try to seek freedom.
Sometimes the purpose of existence seems too mundane. Surviving for meaningless purpose, the same cat and mice chase.The rage, and anger. The grievances of human beings, the sorrow in their everyday lives disturb me too much to understand the joy of living. Hence sometimes I feel no fear to embrace death if I must. My experience in the last 23 years had been very intense, and I would not want to dilute it by dragging in the triviality of everyday life.
Hence I want to head off, again to the road.It's the only thing that makes me feel free of the bondage that drag me down and make me feel my worthlessness.I had often felt Jesse of all was the only one,who had ever understood me. But I find, I have changed way too much...to stay with anyone. I don't know if it's habit that holds us together, and he cares too much to leave...but I know the love is gone. I have turned into a selfish soul who can't look beyond herself and her complex thoughts. I quietly listen to his long list of criticism and I know there's not much I can change. Among everything and all, I have forgotten what really makes me happy, apart from a slice of blue sky and the endlessness of the ocean.
I think, I have developed a general distaste for most human beings and probably life in general. The back of my mind which houses a bunch of imagination, including Crystal seems to hate everything ordinary and normal. And yet the extraordinary and the amusing stuffs are out of reach.
I am alone. And somehow, I guess I seek more of it.
I wish someone was here, to hug me. To put his/ her arms around me. And I could just cry. I pretend I am perturbed, but it will be all fine. I pretend I don't care. But I do. Sometimes I am tired pretending to be strong, pretending I have moved on, and pretending to be someone else. How easy...every time his thoughts come in my mind, I pretend I am not me, I think I am Crystal, I believe so..and those memories don't hurt me, or even touch me cause they are not mine. I think of some imaginary lover Mike, some imaginary stuff and escape the reality.June stays as a shadow. It's so much fun.
I have no one to love me. There's probably so much wrong with me, and I realize that. After I came home from Mumbai, two days yelling screaming continued with mother. Her cursing... how I will suffer cause I hurt her. She will see to it.I don't believe in family; I don't think I will ever again. I did once with Akash, but I have been so wrong. Last six months have seen me to change into a completely different person who even I fail to recognize. A person so detached from anything or anyone, just ready to run away.
I can't stay with a crowd, I can't stay with anyone. I feel forced, compelled with everything and I desperately try to seek freedom.
Sometimes the purpose of existence seems too mundane. Surviving for meaningless purpose, the same cat and mice chase.The rage, and anger. The grievances of human beings, the sorrow in their everyday lives disturb me too much to understand the joy of living. Hence sometimes I feel no fear to embrace death if I must. My experience in the last 23 years had been very intense, and I would not want to dilute it by dragging in the triviality of everyday life.
Hence I want to head off, again to the road.It's the only thing that makes me feel free of the bondage that drag me down and make me feel my worthlessness.I had often felt Jesse of all was the only one,who had ever understood me. But I find, I have changed way too much...to stay with anyone. I don't know if it's habit that holds us together, and he cares too much to leave...but I know the love is gone. I have turned into a selfish soul who can't look beyond herself and her complex thoughts. I quietly listen to his long list of criticism and I know there's not much I can change. Among everything and all, I have forgotten what really makes me happy, apart from a slice of blue sky and the endlessness of the ocean.
I think, I have developed a general distaste for most human beings and probably life in general. The back of my mind which houses a bunch of imagination, including Crystal seems to hate everything ordinary and normal. And yet the extraordinary and the amusing stuffs are out of reach.
I am alone. And somehow, I guess I seek more of it.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Happy Birthday Me ;) ;)
Today I turned 23.
There was no birthday cake, no ceremonious celebration. No one to come and shake my hand wishing me. I sat by a waterfall looking down the valley below, in a quiet and undisturbed state. For today I have left all the familiar world behind. And discoved a tiny bit of heaven somewhere.
I packed my bags and have set off to the city of Aurangabad, to the mountains of Ajanta and Ellora for the weekend. Yesterday I toured to Ajanta with a bunch of other tourists. Seeing the caves from 5th century BC, the art, the sculptures that adorn those old caves. So many thoughts come to my mind, human civilization has come such a long way. So many thoughts of the numerous lives that has passed by, unaccounted. Would I be one such?
Later evening, I came to my hotel ooposite to the Ellora mountains. A lonely evening, without any distraction of the world outside. No laptop, no phone. And I realized, there is in fact no one thinking of me. I am alone. As I always was. Times I have felt needed, times I have felt those "bonds", but all of those were an illusion. Nobody ever really needed me. The world and everything in it would exactly be the same were I not there.I make so little affect to anyone. Sometimes Jesse might say, but it's also an illusion in his head. Truth is, we belong to no one, and we live for no one but ourselves. But these imagionary ties always make our actions dependent on people...who at the end, don't even matter. Today I feel so much at peace being away from them.
When I look back at my past, I tell myself. No regrets. All the bizzare things have made me so weirdly unqiue, little to regret, right? With all my madness and whims..I am intrigued by myself! But I ask again..do I regret? Hell, yes..I want to cry and change everything! I don't know what I mean by that.
I see people spending days on things that make no sense to me. On trivial fights, manipulating each other, gossips and so on. I feel this world has too much pain. And all I feel, I don't want to belong to it. I enjoy this isolation. This freedom and lonliness. Perhaps no one will understand..and as Jesse says sarcastically, cause they don't make sense. May be so. But then , very little does, anyway.
There was no birthday cake, no ceremonious celebration. No one to come and shake my hand wishing me. I sat by a waterfall looking down the valley below, in a quiet and undisturbed state. For today I have left all the familiar world behind. And discoved a tiny bit of heaven somewhere.
I packed my bags and have set off to the city of Aurangabad, to the mountains of Ajanta and Ellora for the weekend. Yesterday I toured to Ajanta with a bunch of other tourists. Seeing the caves from 5th century BC, the art, the sculptures that adorn those old caves. So many thoughts come to my mind, human civilization has come such a long way. So many thoughts of the numerous lives that has passed by, unaccounted. Would I be one such?
Later evening, I came to my hotel ooposite to the Ellora mountains. A lonely evening, without any distraction of the world outside. No laptop, no phone. And I realized, there is in fact no one thinking of me. I am alone. As I always was. Times I have felt needed, times I have felt those "bonds", but all of those were an illusion. Nobody ever really needed me. The world and everything in it would exactly be the same were I not there.I make so little affect to anyone. Sometimes Jesse might say, but it's also an illusion in his head. Truth is, we belong to no one, and we live for no one but ourselves. But these imagionary ties always make our actions dependent on people...who at the end, don't even matter. Today I feel so much at peace being away from them.
When I look back at my past, I tell myself. No regrets. All the bizzare things have made me so weirdly unqiue, little to regret, right? With all my madness and whims..I am intrigued by myself! But I ask again..do I regret? Hell, yes..I want to cry and change everything! I don't know what I mean by that.
I see people spending days on things that make no sense to me. On trivial fights, manipulating each other, gossips and so on. I feel this world has too much pain. And all I feel, I don't want to belong to it. I enjoy this isolation. This freedom and lonliness. Perhaps no one will understand..and as Jesse says sarcastically, cause they don't make sense. May be so. But then , very little does, anyway.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Tarrot
The card in the middle of the circle represents the core or central issue of the situation. The World, when reversed: Incompleteness and shoddy design. A great work betrayed. Insecurity, fear of change, and the failure to reach goals. Regret and disappointment.
The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. Page of Swords, when reversed: The dark essence of air behaving as earth, such as a sandstorm: The approach of an unexpected challenge, met with muddled thought and unjust action. A person filled with a destructive appetite for all matters of mind and logic. Voyeurism, espionage, and misguided witch hunts. The use of clever argument and eloquent speech to mask the truth.
The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. Death: A major change or transformation, possibly traumatic and unexpected. Freedom from the shackles of the past. A new beginning. Death coupled with rebirth, usually related to consciousness and lifestyle.
The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. The Hanged Man, when reversed: Life in suspension. Selfish, materialistic, and untrusting attitudes. Unwillingness to make necessary sacrifices. Going along with the crowd, and refusing to hear the inner voice. Concessions and appeasements that backfire.
The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. King of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as air, such as rain clouds in a gray sky: A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.
The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Page of Coins: The essence of earth, such as a mountain: The surprising appearance of new prosperity and opportunities for advance in the physical world. One who delights in the pleasures of the body, material things, and nature. The embrace of hard work, realistic goals, and scholarly perseverance as a means to create solid achievement. Dependability, trust, and a studious nature. May portend a new job or promotion.
The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. Ace of Wands: The seed of a new venture - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity to be met with boldness, vigor, and enthusiasm. The herald of birth, invention, or entrepreneurship. An innate and primal force released. May suggest a surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set things in motion.
The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. Strength: Raw power. Health and physical fortitude. A surge of tremendous force. Recovery from sickness. Victory after apprehension and fear. The ability to face and overcome opposition brings the inner qualities of strength and forbearance. Delays and setbacks will be overcome.
The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. Knight of Swords: The essence of air behaving as fire, such as a tornado: A fearless and skillful warrior, unfettered by emotion or material concerns. One able to boldly take on challenges that others consider terrifying or insurmountable. A person who inspires fear and awe through the purity of their purpose and the intensity of their intellect. Speaking frankly, in an outspoken manner, and with great influence. May portend the swift initiation or conclusion of a conflict, through the decisive invocation of force.
The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. Six of Cups (Pleasure): Opening your heart to the simple pleasures of life. Fond memories fuel the playful embrace of love and life. Experiencing the joy of youth and sexual innocence. Engaging in acts of gentle kindness. Harmony of natural forces without effort or strain. Meeting an old friend .
I know, I am not much into these, but don't know, how come it all makes sense
The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. Page of Swords, when reversed: The dark essence of air behaving as earth, such as a sandstorm: The approach of an unexpected challenge, met with muddled thought and unjust action. A person filled with a destructive appetite for all matters of mind and logic. Voyeurism, espionage, and misguided witch hunts. The use of clever argument and eloquent speech to mask the truth.
The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. Death: A major change or transformation, possibly traumatic and unexpected. Freedom from the shackles of the past. A new beginning. Death coupled with rebirth, usually related to consciousness and lifestyle.
The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. The Hanged Man, when reversed: Life in suspension. Selfish, materialistic, and untrusting attitudes. Unwillingness to make necessary sacrifices. Going along with the crowd, and refusing to hear the inner voice. Concessions and appeasements that backfire.
The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. King of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as air, such as rain clouds in a gray sky: A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.
The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Page of Coins: The essence of earth, such as a mountain: The surprising appearance of new prosperity and opportunities for advance in the physical world. One who delights in the pleasures of the body, material things, and nature. The embrace of hard work, realistic goals, and scholarly perseverance as a means to create solid achievement. Dependability, trust, and a studious nature. May portend a new job or promotion.
The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. Ace of Wands: The seed of a new venture - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity to be met with boldness, vigor, and enthusiasm. The herald of birth, invention, or entrepreneurship. An innate and primal force released. May suggest a surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set things in motion.
The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. Strength: Raw power. Health and physical fortitude. A surge of tremendous force. Recovery from sickness. Victory after apprehension and fear. The ability to face and overcome opposition brings the inner qualities of strength and forbearance. Delays and setbacks will be overcome.
The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. Knight of Swords: The essence of air behaving as fire, such as a tornado: A fearless and skillful warrior, unfettered by emotion or material concerns. One able to boldly take on challenges that others consider terrifying or insurmountable. A person who inspires fear and awe through the purity of their purpose and the intensity of their intellect. Speaking frankly, in an outspoken manner, and with great influence. May portend the swift initiation or conclusion of a conflict, through the decisive invocation of force.
The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. Six of Cups (Pleasure): Opening your heart to the simple pleasures of life. Fond memories fuel the playful embrace of love and life. Experiencing the joy of youth and sexual innocence. Engaging in acts of gentle kindness. Harmony of natural forces without effort or strain. Meeting an old friend .
I know, I am not much into these, but don't know, how come it all makes sense
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