Max and Me

Max and Me

Okay. This one is a small stupid funny love story. So back in India, this bf of mine was happily sleeping with other women. Somehow, for some reason, I was just the branded gf, by name. That too, something that he did not acknowledge to his parents.

It was one gloomy evening. GREs were over, still strugling with school applications. People talk to their lovers for distractions, obviously mine did not care a shit about me. He was happily lying about how he has to go to sleep early, or how his manager calls him at weird hours of night…when he is either at some club or with “other woman”. The sad thing about all this was, he thought I am stupid.


The irony is that I am not. Sometimes I wish I were.I never said much about these. That I was well aware of everything. Never seemed of much use.You cannot force a person to be faithful. He should be, out of love.

I don’t care if he is having sex. REALLY. I don’t think too much of sex myself; it nice fun. It’s like chocolate. You feel great when someone you care for gives you one, but the chocolate in itself feels good even if it is from a stranger.

I met Max on a random facebook speed date. It was fraustrating, one after another hopeless guy was turning up, and then suddenly I get two minutes with Max. Damned, those lucky two minutes that got us started!

Max was the first really nice American guy I met online. Who wanted to talk, and not for raunchy video chats. He is of my age, from Urbana Champaign and joined a electronics company in Brooks. Initially Max was however, flirtatious. Our first few conversations got us addicted. We looked forward to the evening when I could come back and we could talk. Damned ever since Fred left, this was the first time I was so happy to talk to someone!

I saw Max’s pictures. He is really cute. Not those overtly macho guys, who can turn out to be gays eventually, lol…but the choco boy kind. The kind I usually feel I am not attracted to. Though even Fred fell in the same category. Soon we were on cam. And yet still it was so nice. There was nothing explicit, only he would flatter me which I liked. I used to go shopping with Anit sometimes, buy scarves, shoes, and jewelleries and then show them on cam to Max. And this part of the conversation was called the “fashion show”.

It was very unlike the explicit video chats with my bf, where the entire conversation was sex. Where I would act only as a stripper to stimulate him. But then, that’s all you can do to keep a long distance bf happy.Who didn’t particularly care about me. However now I know, why every weekend he wasn’t eager. Not when you are having the real thing!

I and Max were like friends. We had so much to talk about, so many similar things we found happiness in. May be I am mistaken…I don’t need an older bf. I need a friend, who can love me.

Luckily all my life I had been with very attractive men. For some reason or the other :)

My first date with Max was to the movie Avatar. Right after the day I came back from Las Vegas. I came back home early from lab, and Max drove from his office which was near to the lab I worked. I dressed up very pretty. I was too indecisive what to wear. Eventually after moving from one short skirt to a short dress…I settled for my jeans. And a nice top. And my fur jacket. And my black gloves. My boots.
Oh yes, that cute hat too!

He suggested he could come upstairs and knock my door…but aww, well, may be that wasn’t a great idea.

“Call me when you are at the parking”.
So he called. I walked on the snow and saw the flashlights of his car. “June…” he said, as he lowered the window.
I gave a broad smile. “Wow, you look pretty.”
The older me used to get embarassed by such appreciation. Now I was used to it, to even more explicit forms. To this one, I said “Thanks Max”.

For our first “date” he took me to California Pizza, had a huge BBQ chicken pizza, the half of which I parcelled home and was my lunch the next day. From there we went to AMC cantera, he got the tickets for the 3 D show, which we watched. We both loved the movie. It was so much fun!

We talked all the way home, listened to Taylor Swift. Even sang with it.
But it was over, by 11pm. Like that perfect guy he dropped me home.
“Was wondering if we could hang around a little more”
I noded. But it was like -20C outside. I had understood by then that I was in fact more immuned to the cold than Max.

We sat in the downstairs. I couldn’t stop thinking damned this american italian guy is really sweet!
“You care for some icecream?”
“Omg, that would be so good, what do you have?”
“Umm…Mint with choco rocks”
“Awesome..I love that”
“Kk..let me get and fetch some!”
I went down to the basement and got the small icecream tumbler. Damned, not as much as I thought..but good enough.
“Head to your room or here?”
“My room?Aww, no way! It’s a complete mess”
“Ohh, I wouldn’t mind!”
“Naaah! Wanna play cards? I wanna show you this grand canyon stuffs I got”

We sat close, next to each other and talked and laughed and had icecream. Unlike my conversation with Akash, these were not those complex philosophical issues…but some funny sweet things we both enjoyed.We talked about summer. I showed him stuffs I brought from grand canyon, the postcards and the books. I realize , I am still so young! We rest our head against the couch…

And then at one point..Max looks at me. He had been running his fingers through my hair for a while now, now across my face. And his eyes…those brightly lit up green eyes! He kissed me..and it felt so good. We kissed, and we kissed like anything.
“Gosh, girl you are so comfortable to be with..and so damn pretty. I know I should go, but I just don’t wanna leave”.
"You don't wanna finish the icecream" I teased
"Naah, you are definitely more delicious!"

You know making out in a public room is really exciting. Just wondering when somebody comes by. That is what happned. My friend Melanie, from Rochester just came back from her nightshift. I quickly pulled back from Max…
“Hel Mel, how are you!Long time!”
“Hey…yeah nightshifts……..the HORRIBLE nightsifts!”
“Awww, I know what you mean. Oh this is Max, Max this is Mel..”

And blah blah. Back to business. More kisses.

It was like those sweet romantic movie kisses. Nothing explicity, not even touching me over my clothes. I cuddled upto Max. I felt embarassed. I felt so turned on…shit!

“You are such a sweet girl, June! Damned…look at you all blushing!”
“I don’t know…this is crazy”
“I know…this is crazy. But I can’t help it!”
I cover my face with my hands. And he kisses over my hands.
“I like that smile of yours”
“I don’t. My teeth are horrible..”
“Okay, then I like that toothy smile of yours. The kind when you are really happy”.
And I don’t know why. I suddenly was!
“You should go, it’s so late…it’s half past two, Max! And tomorrow you have to work!”
“I know, just don’t know how to leave this pretty girl here. It's so funny, I don't even feel like I met you today...like I kind of have always known you”
"Aww, don't give me that typical guy's statement!"
"No way! I'm not kidding...I just feel so comfortable with you, I don't know why, you are so nice to hold like this in my arms..."
“Go Max, I don’t want you to be stuck in the snow!”
“Awww, alrightly...” and he kisses me again.
He wore his jacket. He was forgetting his car keys. I reminded him, making sure “You not forgetting anything I hope”
I felt his pockets, and said, “Oops yeah one thing”
Comes back and kisses me. “This”. Again.

That was an elaborate description of my first date. Max and I met more frequently after that. He had this new iphone he got for Christmas. “What a shame , you don’ carry a cell”
“Why? I don’t really need it you know!”
“I could have texted you all day and put my iphone to use!”
“Aww…that sweet of you! Glad you at least think of me!”

Lol definitely. More than that weird bf of mine!

One evening, I had an altercation with Akash for some reason. It was depressing. He had broken his knees. Not the best thing to have happened, and I was hell worried, but I had this feeling that something is not so right.I don't feel love or care.The things missing with him started becoming more prominent everytime I would be with Max. My whole relationship with Akash had become a habit for me, not something that I really want, something that I was just too used to. And despite of knowing about his infidelity. So, I did not see any reason to restrain myself.

Sometimes I felt sad too. I had booked my tickets to India, for him. I was flying to Mumbai and getting a job there to be with him. Cause I "believed" I madly loved him. And he seemed to want all that enjoyment but not give anything in return. Nothing.Even a casual friend would probably do much more for me to make me happy.


Was sulking in my bedroom when Max knocks in the chatbox. For some reason, we haven’t talked a lot.

I made a sad face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Idk, every damned thing in life is wrong”
“Awww, don’t say like that June!”
“Just a bad time for me.”
“Feeling down, lonely? Things getting messed up?”
“Yeah, you stole my words”
“Turn on the cam”
“No, I don’t feel like”
“ I just want to see the toothy smile”
“There’s no smile now”
“I know. Just needed an estimate of what can make you smile. Wait…stay at home okay?”
“You coming over?”
“Yeah, to bring some sunshine”
“You nuts, it’s already 9.30. And it’s snowing!You can’t be driving from Park Ridge now!”
“I don’t care about that. I care about you”
“Aww…Max, no, I don’t want you to be so nice”
“Umm…just ask the security to let me in”
“Max!”
I opened the door, let him in…We kiss. And suddenly I feel strange…Damned this isn’t my illusion, I kind of feel the same way, the same skipping of my heart I used to feel with Akash. The way Max would treat me, like a girl, the way he would make “pjs” and the way he would keep so much of what’s between us…unsaid. Shit, no way, I can’t be having feelings for him!
“June, june..june, my lovely june. Come on june, where’s my summer sunshine?” he said as he kissed all over my face.
I smiled “It’s a cold day, Max”
“Umm..I don’t think so. See my mom gave me some movies, and…we can watch together. Have you seen little miss sunshine?”
“No..”
“Really…aww you must, it’s one of my favourites. Still got the popcorns”
“Hmm..yeah in the kitchen”
We went down, made the popcorns in the microwave.
“I want french fries! But I don’t know how to cook them”.
“Just get the packet” Damn boy, you gonna kill me with that smile!
I got it from the freezer. Gosh it was so sweet watching him cook for me. He gave some peppers on the fries, some oils…and stuffs..
“How do you know all these?”
“Oh, during faternity. When the cook wouldn’t come I would do all these, lol. Nothing complicated though”
“That’s cute, you are the second guy who is cooking something for me..haha”
“Aww, who was the first…that bf of yours”
“ Err, no way! He never did! “
“Lol he cooks for the other women in his house now?”
“Ahh, who cares…REALLY?..Anyway the first was my German friend, Fred…the bear”
“Ohh…nice”
Max is different, different than Fred or Marco. He is cute, and yet manly in his way. And may be it was my obsession with Akash, that he reminded me of him sometimes? I don’t know, Max used to surprise me with things, the same way Akash used to. Take me to nice places, do little things that could just sweep me off my feet.
We kissed in the kitchen then and now, it was sweet. As he was cooking, I hugged him around, brushed my face against him…damned, he was sweet, but one of a man.
We got the popcorns, fries and drinks upstairs. I am a Coke addict. And we had an icemaker too 
The movie was really nice. We turned it in my laptop which was on his lap, while we both got inside the warm cover. I was cuddled up in his arms while watching. And sometimes kissing :P
We spend a lot of time, talking about past …like school, summers and things we like, enjoy. What we felt when we went to the canyon, or he talks about the places he went. I learn about Italy and Greece, about Japan, about Parkridge life and how his parents met. We play with google map and find each others house. He stores it in his iphone. I show him my pictures. And those of my friends.
“We should go to the city sometime”
“Yeahh! I love downtown” I said
“Haha, I can see that in your sparkling eyes!”
“ We can go to Navy Pier and have icecreams..omg, it’s so amazing there”
“Yeah definitely!"


And we went to Navy Pier the next weekend. There was a winter wonderland. It was indeed a wonderland...gosh that was romantic!



Happy music beats and dances,white snows,angels and gypsies, it was a fairyland. Macki and I had amazing fun; We had initially decided to go to the children museum, but it didn't work since I didn't have a govt id..aww. But we were so glad, this was amazing.



We took pictures videos, held hands, kissed...gosh it was great to be lovers, even briefly.The fun was sneaking out and kissing here and there.I was super excited.

Death Valley

We are here. At Zebriski Point.



Now we see people around. Lot of cars too. We climb up to the view point.Take some pictures. The eroded Badlands at the Zabriskie point looks mesmerizing...in a sense, the beauty is so crude, so stark, it seems like an illusion. I have never seen anything like this before. The weird striated patterns has taken the color of the afternoon's sun. We climb down some of those hills, the road is treacherous. One stupid step, and we would go down some hundreds of feet below. However for the sake of photography, we take some chances. Zoya especially is particularly enthusiastic about taking pictures. She sees more through lenses than through her eyes. As for me, I take quite a few. I ask the guys to take my pictures, some that I can put up in my social networking site :P Okay, that's not so true.

Sometimes, I just like to be away from my group and just breathe in the beauty.I do not have words to say, what fascinates me here. May be the coldness in the entire view? The feeling of death; loneliness. The feeling of being abandoned? I don't know. All I can see, is that I could synchronize the view with my thoughts, my feelings and my perception.I wish I were 16 again, when I had the words to express these finer feelings. Somewhere down the road, amidst many chaos, I have completely lost it.

From this place, we can see the flatland valley far away, down somewhere. We only have four days and too many places on the list. For me, coming by car is fun; but hiking through such one place for few days is much more adventurous. I like the feeling of being lost. I like walking. It gives me the feeling of being a part of nature. Of everything around.

May be that's why the idea of travelling alone, by myself has always appealed. When in a group, we are sometimes so engrossed among ourselves, that nature only serves as a background to our merriment. We enjoy it, but feel it much less. When alone, I can absorb it better; I do not stand separate but integrate myself with it.




From Zabriskie we drive further down. We stop next to watch the sandunes. The funniest thing I feel about this place is, we found everything on our way here. From a city we drove, found ice on the road, in some places, now we were in some dry mountains, then we find sand dunes and desert with some random greens, and then there is this flat basin. The geographical variation within one small area was really amazing! Ivan is for some reason excited about a certain green bush. I guess in Russia they don't have many green trees (????) ( JK!) We walk around the sands and then back to the car for the next place.



The flat basin. Ours ears are feeling funny inside. This is because of the great pressure variation. The place is 160m below the sea level. The soil here is cracked into blocks, like a weird art on the floor. It was a dead place, nothing around, a green beer bottle. That's all.



I feel like running, far and far. Let my heart cry out, vent out all my sorrow, burden, pain, tears everything in that vast openness. It is the most strangely beautiful place I have ever seen in my twenty two years of life.

The Road to Death Valley

It is like the movies.
Ivan.
I can see he wants me. I like his blue eyes, his brawny body, his mischievious smiles and the completely shameless way he flirts with me. We are now 100 miles away from Las Vegas heading towards Death Valley National Park. Oleg is driving the car and Soumyo is next to him. Me, Zoya and Ivan are in the backseat ...me between the two of them. Ivan would reason, that he is too "big" to fit in the middle of two girls. Okay, whatever, as long as he is allowing me to have a good view of the window. Death Valley is in the Eastern California, around hundred something miles from Las Vegas where we landed couple hours back. We have not checked into the hotel, only picked up the car from the rental shop and have set out. We screwed things a bit as well. Oleg is a hyperly tensed guy. He takes everything in life way too seriously. And even vacations. I thought that is at least one of the times when people do relax.

Oleg had many worries.Since the past two weeks. Starting from how the road will be (winding, up-downs, snow? dangerous?), to weather, to food to hotel (if they would be nice five star ones...aww!) it was crazy!In other words he is too worried to enjoy, appreciate anything until I poke him and ask, "Oleg, what do you think of the place?" Zoya on the other hand, is full of life, friendly..though she hardly speaks english, but now I am getting used to what she wants to convey in her English-Russian dialect :)

The road is probably the most amazing part of the journey. It was in fact my first real vacation in US. I don't count my trip to Michigan and Wisconsin. They were like weekend trips. Had lot of fun though.

The Fuji Film 12X Zoom was especially for this journey. Jesse and I have talked and planned about my trip since summer. Damned, but I never read the manual. I think I will just take the pictures like a lame photographer.

So far, I have only seen such roads in movies. Where you drive for hundred miles, and meet nobody. Not even another car.Back in India every tourist place, every popular hill side would have rows of cars heading towards them. Every ten miles you would find a small tea stall, a small temple under some tree. It's unique to India, that way.

We are almost here. The mountains are so weird here. Golden and brown rock, striated layers. Kind of funny! I am really eager to get out of the car now and explore.

Autumn in Batavia

“You’ll remember me when the west wind moves among the fields of gold
You’ll forget the sun, in his jealous sky, as we walk the fields of gold”

So many things changed ever since I have come to love this song. Though so many men have come and left ever since then, yet this song has always been meant for just one special man.

We walked through the forest under the afternoon sun, me dancing around amidst the prairies, the butterflies flying around, kissing me…You came up and hold my hand. I was laughing along with the moving breeze. You could see the love in my eyes; you knew I belong to you. Heart and soul, for so many years.
You embraced me. Felt my body against you. Felt me as a part of you. Indispensable. You kissed me.

I am yours.

I had many lovers, and yet no one true as you. Myself, suffered a couple of heartbreaks, and broke a many hearts, and yet the last one I want to leave is you. I don’t want you to walk out of my life, cause I have never in my last so many years tried to imagine a life without you.I don’t know how it will be and I am scared. And yes, I have a boyfriend too.Who while I am here in US, is happily sleeping around with other women. Whom I have tried to fit in the real world, and tried to love. May be I ignore the deficiencies in that relation cause you make up for everything. You have given me everything, and I can never pay you back in that sense. I was the kid, the teenage girl with a scary family, no one to love, not a real friend to talk and understand me. The girl who didn’t understand the meaning of her existance, the meaning of life, and sometimes out of pain, lonliness tried to run away from it. You came in like a package. A lover, a friend, a teacher, a mentor...and someone to look up at. It is the strangest relationship one can ever have. I think.

But I guess no regrets. Or so I feel.

We held hands, and took the longer way to the forests. You know I am not scared. As long as you are next to me, I would never be scared.I just need you to tell me, “It will be fine, June”. As we step in, amidst the big oaks, and the evergreens, the blue sky seemed to dissapear. The colours of fall seemed to be in harmony with my feelings. Like the heterogeneity of contrasting emotions. The poision ivy looked so pretty curling around the tall pine trees. Purple pink and red…the colors so mesmerizing!

So many of the trees have started shedding their leaves. The sound of our footsetps broke the silence of the autumn forest. I want to hold on to this moment. Just us. We said nothing. And yet so much.

I look at you, and see that caring guy, the guy who has loved me like no other. A guy, smart like no other. No one can parallel you, in my world. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. How much you mean you mean to me. But may be the most romantic stories are all those that end with goodbyes. Like ours.

I love you. Sometimes I wish I could explain.