Moved in...apt 201, 12th floor
View from the bedroom window
The bike...
He cooked...was yummy
Monday, March 29, 2010
Moments
Mine and his...
Moved in...apt 201, 12th floor
View from the bedroom window
The bike...
He cooked...was yummy
Moved in...apt 201, 12th floor
View from the bedroom window
The bike...
He cooked...was yummy
Sunday, March 28, 2010
There Was Us
“Not everything is suppose to come true
Some words are best unsaid
Some love is not really love at all
I'll keep everything I shared with you
And that's enough
There's Us”
She cuddled up to him. “And?”
“And, I like lemon cake”
“And…tell me things that you like about me!”
“Umm… this nose?” He giggled.
“Uhu..no, something real”
“These teeth” And he kissed her mouth.
“Aww..no! something serious”
“These cheeks”
“Things about me…you know”
“Umm…is there any?” He joked
“I hate you!”
“I know, I see that”
She smiled. She hated him. Loved him. Madly.
“ Don’t leave me again”
“I won’t”
“I want to sleep on this chest forever.. you know” She smiled and bit her lips. He stroked her hair, and caressed her face.
“I know. But I don't want you to sleep forever...my arms will go numb.Also we both need to go to work..in less than 5 hours?”
"You are horrible..goodnight!"
He held her tightly and kissed her on her forehead. “You know what I like about you?”
“What?”
“When you cuddle up to me and sleep like this. You look so happy”
She liked waking up next to him. She liked the early morning kisses and love making. She liked making breakfast for him, thought she didn’t know much other than sandwiches. She liked picking out his dress for him. She loved him.
And he loved her. Or so it seemed.
She liked coming home early. His home. And now her lipstick was on the bathroom shelf. The cupboard was half full of her clothes. The shoe stack had her sneakers and stilletoes,jumbled with his. The side table had her phone charger, ipod, her perfume bottles and his camera. There were times he would be off for a couple of days. She would sleep in the unmade bed, where they had made love the night before, miss him. She would wear his T shirt which would smell of him, miss him before dozing off to sleep.He would come back. The bed all made, the food all ready. And there would be the pretty girl at the door. And then the kiss. The perfect love story.
They belonged to each other. Like that perfect couple they walked down the street holding hand, stopping and kissing, driving to the Cooney Island, talking nights away. Getting drunk, fighting and falling in love all over again.
to be continued
Some words are best unsaid
Some love is not really love at all
I'll keep everything I shared with you
And that's enough
There's Us”
She cuddled up to him. “And?”
“And, I like lemon cake”
“And…tell me things that you like about me!”
“Umm… this nose?” He giggled.
“Uhu..no, something real”
“These teeth” And he kissed her mouth.
“Aww..no! something serious”
“These cheeks”
“Things about me…you know”
“Umm…is there any?” He joked
“I hate you!”
“I know, I see that”
She smiled. She hated him. Loved him. Madly.
“ Don’t leave me again”
“I won’t”
“I want to sleep on this chest forever.. you know” She smiled and bit her lips. He stroked her hair, and caressed her face.
“I know. But I don't want you to sleep forever...my arms will go numb.Also we both need to go to work..in less than 5 hours?”
"You are horrible..goodnight!"
He held her tightly and kissed her on her forehead. “You know what I like about you?”
“What?”
“When you cuddle up to me and sleep like this. You look so happy”
She liked waking up next to him. She liked the early morning kisses and love making. She liked making breakfast for him, thought she didn’t know much other than sandwiches. She liked picking out his dress for him. She loved him.
And he loved her. Or so it seemed.
She liked coming home early. His home. And now her lipstick was on the bathroom shelf. The cupboard was half full of her clothes. The shoe stack had her sneakers and stilletoes,jumbled with his. The side table had her phone charger, ipod, her perfume bottles and his camera. There were times he would be off for a couple of days. She would sleep in the unmade bed, where they had made love the night before, miss him. She would wear his T shirt which would smell of him, miss him before dozing off to sleep.He would come back. The bed all made, the food all ready. And there would be the pretty girl at the door. And then the kiss. The perfect love story.
They belonged to each other. Like that perfect couple they walked down the street holding hand, stopping and kissing, driving to the Cooney Island, talking nights away. Getting drunk, fighting and falling in love all over again.
to be continued
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Eight Years
Too many things happened too fast. Life was more than half over and still she was lonely. And in a month she was going to get married to someone she had never known or loved. But like many things, she tried accept it, and surrender to fate. So many things have changed so drastically, and so many things have remained just the same. Like those roads. Just like what they were eight years ago, on a cold winter night when she had held his hands walked across Park Avenue . When she stood below the Chrysler building, kissing him, all in love…the love she thought was forever. Eight years hence, she is there again, on a cold January night walking to the Grand Central. Twenty minutes for her train to Washington Square. She stood at the lobby of the huge station, with people still running around, like they were back then. But now she had no one to wait for. She still searched amidst the crowd, if he would be there again. Looking out for her.He wasn’t.
Sometimes we never understand why we feel so strongly for a particular person - a sort of feeling which is beyond all reason and logic. There had been men.Lots in last four years. Men she wanted to be in love with, but she didn’t fall for. Men she made love to, but couldn’t belong to.Times she had woken up with someone and then went to bed with somone else. She had tried many things to tell her stupid heart to shut up. And lastly fed up with everything, she has decided to marry a man she had never met, kissed or made love to. Or even loved.
True love. It was in story books ,in the movies. And in her dreams. Reality was harsh. She was fooled, played with. Kept in an illusion and destroyed. She didn’t want to feel through that pain once again. She had walked out that door; she had won. Inside she had felt defeated. To life. To love. She can’t fight anymore to all the adversity heaped on her.She wished so many things didn’t happen. She wished she could turn back time and fix them. But then life is a one way street, and there’s no U turn to it.
So they met again at the Rockafellar last Tuesday. The same place they went during the first few dates.He had taught her to ice skate. Held her hand tightly when she was too scared to do so. She had trusted him. Now she is seeing him after four years. He looks much more of a man. The child in him with those sparkling eyes was gone. Or masked, brilliantly. She felt weak on her knees. Her lips trembled.She blushed again a little bit. She wished he would come and hold her tight and kiss her right there. Say that he missed her, and loved her. But now she wasn’t twenty two anymore. She was mature, independent woman who has apparently learnt to deal with her own life.
“Hey, gosh such a long time hah?”
“Yeah, long time”
“You look very pretty. How are you?”
“Thanks. I am great. Life is good. And you?”
“Not bad.Work took me here….and wondered if you are still in the city” he smiled. The way he always did.
“Yeah sorry, didn’t have the chance to tell you on phone…I am actually moving out of the city.”
“Oh okay…for?”
“Umm…getting married.”
He looked surprised.May be shocked. But like always, quickly hid it “Wow…that’s a great news; congrats… glad you found a great guy- Indian?”
“Yeah.”
“ What does he do?”
“Corporate lawyer. So I’m moving to California. The marriage would be in India, though.”
“Good for you.”
“And you?”
“Aww..well not much. Still living in Texas. Marriage, I haven’t thought about yet”
“I guess you never will. It limits your freedom to walk out with someone else whenever you want to, after all. But then as long as you find a girl who agrees to that life, it should be fine”. She smiled, coldly. She imagined some other woman in the same bed they have made love. In the arms of the same man, she planned to have babies with. With the man she planned to have a house which would be theirs. She calmed herself down. It’s okay. It’s life. It’s pain. It’s acceptance.
“ I am sorry about whatever happened. But I guess it’s just me. I hate to be chained”
“No, you are just scared of being honest. Or true”
“May be. But that’s who I am”
“Forget it. I don’t want to bring it up, really. I don’t know why you wanted to meet me”
“Look…I still care for you . I just wanted to know how you are”
“Thanks. I didn’t want the 600th fraction of your ‘care. This isn’t a good idea for me to be with you now. I am starting my new life…and I am excited about it.”
“I can see that”
“Yes,and with a honest, well settled guy”
“And rich, isn’t he?”
“So, am I.After all didn’t let you crush me totally”
“Ahh, I am glad. I am glad you are successful”
“Yeah, and I am sorry you didn’t make it as big”
“Screwed up a few things”
“ I can tell you why, if you want- you couldn’t committ. Neither to love, to life or to work. Anyway I really got to go. Not sure if I am glad to see you, but thought if I meet you I could get over my stupidity that really broke me into pieces”
“I did love you”
“Bye.”
She walked out. Tears dropped down her cheeks as she remembered how she has said such goodbyes, again and again. And this was for the one last time.
To be continued….
Sometimes we never understand why we feel so strongly for a particular person - a sort of feeling which is beyond all reason and logic. There had been men.Lots in last four years. Men she wanted to be in love with, but she didn’t fall for. Men she made love to, but couldn’t belong to.Times she had woken up with someone and then went to bed with somone else. She had tried many things to tell her stupid heart to shut up. And lastly fed up with everything, she has decided to marry a man she had never met, kissed or made love to. Or even loved.
True love. It was in story books ,in the movies. And in her dreams. Reality was harsh. She was fooled, played with. Kept in an illusion and destroyed. She didn’t want to feel through that pain once again. She had walked out that door; she had won. Inside she had felt defeated. To life. To love. She can’t fight anymore to all the adversity heaped on her.She wished so many things didn’t happen. She wished she could turn back time and fix them. But then life is a one way street, and there’s no U turn to it.
So they met again at the Rockafellar last Tuesday. The same place they went during the first few dates.He had taught her to ice skate. Held her hand tightly when she was too scared to do so. She had trusted him. Now she is seeing him after four years. He looks much more of a man. The child in him with those sparkling eyes was gone. Or masked, brilliantly. She felt weak on her knees. Her lips trembled.She blushed again a little bit. She wished he would come and hold her tight and kiss her right there. Say that he missed her, and loved her. But now she wasn’t twenty two anymore. She was mature, independent woman who has apparently learnt to deal with her own life.
“Hey, gosh such a long time hah?”
“Yeah, long time”
“You look very pretty. How are you?”
“Thanks. I am great. Life is good. And you?”
“Not bad.Work took me here….and wondered if you are still in the city” he smiled. The way he always did.
“Yeah sorry, didn’t have the chance to tell you on phone…I am actually moving out of the city.”
“Oh okay…for?”
“Umm…getting married.”
He looked surprised.May be shocked. But like always, quickly hid it “Wow…that’s a great news; congrats… glad you found a great guy- Indian?”
“Yeah.”
“ What does he do?”
“Corporate lawyer. So I’m moving to California. The marriage would be in India, though.”
“Good for you.”
“And you?”
“Aww..well not much. Still living in Texas. Marriage, I haven’t thought about yet”
“I guess you never will. It limits your freedom to walk out with someone else whenever you want to, after all. But then as long as you find a girl who agrees to that life, it should be fine”. She smiled, coldly. She imagined some other woman in the same bed they have made love. In the arms of the same man, she planned to have babies with. With the man she planned to have a house which would be theirs. She calmed herself down. It’s okay. It’s life. It’s pain. It’s acceptance.
“ I am sorry about whatever happened. But I guess it’s just me. I hate to be chained”
“No, you are just scared of being honest. Or true”
“May be. But that’s who I am”
“Forget it. I don’t want to bring it up, really. I don’t know why you wanted to meet me”
“Look…I still care for you . I just wanted to know how you are”
“Thanks. I didn’t want the 600th fraction of your ‘care. This isn’t a good idea for me to be with you now. I am starting my new life…and I am excited about it.”
“I can see that”
“Yes,and with a honest, well settled guy”
“And rich, isn’t he?”
“So, am I.After all didn’t let you crush me totally”
“Ahh, I am glad. I am glad you are successful”
“Yeah, and I am sorry you didn’t make it as big”
“Screwed up a few things”
“ I can tell you why, if you want- you couldn’t committ. Neither to love, to life or to work. Anyway I really got to go. Not sure if I am glad to see you, but thought if I meet you I could get over my stupidity that really broke me into pieces”
“I did love you”
“Bye.”
She walked out. Tears dropped down her cheeks as she remembered how she has said such goodbyes, again and again. And this was for the one last time.
To be continued….
Friday, March 26, 2010
Food, gym and life.. ;)
Sometimes I need something which only you can provide : Your absence.
True. True.
Sometimes we all need to be alone. Well, no I didn't mean be alone and sulk. It means you got to be out of your "enamored" state, be yourself, judge things without being swayed by emotions, and work on your "own" life. Couple things have happened last few days.I will come to all of that later, or may be in another post. For now, the most amazing news is : I got my four months gym membership!
Last couple months in Mumbai, I have been eating voraciously. The food in TIFR is tempting, and in anyway I am kind of foodaholic.I have been consuming great quantity of rice twice a day with a range of curries and daal and curd and watching myself looking like a thin woman, but six months pregnant. I have a proper full south indian breakfast with medu vada, or idli or mysore masala dosa. An evening snack is usually dahi puri. Four meals a day, and the result shows when I look at myself in a lingerie. I am super critical when it comes to being in swimsuits. I just don't want to look out of shape at any cost!
So, I want to promise myself, I will eat a proper breakfast, skip the extra heavy lunch and go with bread fruits and all, drink plenty of water and yes! skip the evening snacks and have a good dinner. I need to work out, build some muscles. And, oh yeah did I tell I am doing much better in driving?
I need to do all of these. I have got back to reading habits (partying still holds true)and it's really good. The two weeks break is just amazing, it's worth it cause it makes me realize that you should be with somebody because a)you like it, and not cause you need it. b)you should not depend on someone else to be happy. Two simple rules, and life can be great. Also it helped me to see and understand things I was blind to and I hope from now on I will make better decisions.
After talking to Anne(and I will come to that later) who broke up with Steve, I felt both me and Anne have been stupid in the same ways. But then it's time to grow up.After all aerospace engineers should be some of the smartest lot of people ;)
Did I tell about a new proposal? The guy is from some IIT, then did in MBA in UChicago (I think broth school or something) and now is in California. Looks good, tall lol..and I guess smart as many other IITians. My mom says- don't make the same mistake I did. I went to find a boy that suited my dreams; turned down the rich settled guys to be with a professor..totally enamored by Soumitra Chatterji's movies.I hope you are smart enough to choose your guy more practically.
Yes mom, sure I am! I know I dream too much, but I am growing up. :)
True. True.
Sometimes we all need to be alone. Well, no I didn't mean be alone and sulk. It means you got to be out of your "enamored" state, be yourself, judge things without being swayed by emotions, and work on your "own" life. Couple things have happened last few days.I will come to all of that later, or may be in another post. For now, the most amazing news is : I got my four months gym membership!
Last couple months in Mumbai, I have been eating voraciously. The food in TIFR is tempting, and in anyway I am kind of foodaholic.I have been consuming great quantity of rice twice a day with a range of curries and daal and curd and watching myself looking like a thin woman, but six months pregnant. I have a proper full south indian breakfast with medu vada, or idli or mysore masala dosa. An evening snack is usually dahi puri. Four meals a day, and the result shows when I look at myself in a lingerie. I am super critical when it comes to being in swimsuits. I just don't want to look out of shape at any cost!
So, I want to promise myself, I will eat a proper breakfast, skip the extra heavy lunch and go with bread fruits and all, drink plenty of water and yes! skip the evening snacks and have a good dinner. I need to work out, build some muscles. And, oh yeah did I tell I am doing much better in driving?
I need to do all of these. I have got back to reading habits (partying still holds true)and it's really good. The two weeks break is just amazing, it's worth it cause it makes me realize that you should be with somebody because a)you like it, and not cause you need it. b)you should not depend on someone else to be happy. Two simple rules, and life can be great. Also it helped me to see and understand things I was blind to and I hope from now on I will make better decisions.
After talking to Anne(and I will come to that later) who broke up with Steve, I felt both me and Anne have been stupid in the same ways. But then it's time to grow up.After all aerospace engineers should be some of the smartest lot of people ;)
Did I tell about a new proposal? The guy is from some IIT, then did in MBA in UChicago (I think broth school or something) and now is in California. Looks good, tall lol..and I guess smart as many other IITians. My mom says- don't make the same mistake I did. I went to find a boy that suited my dreams; turned down the rich settled guys to be with a professor..totally enamored by Soumitra Chatterji's movies.I hope you are smart enough to choose your guy more practically.
Yes mom, sure I am! I know I dream too much, but I am growing up. :)
Saturday, March 20, 2010
With or without you.
Akash's parents have come over to Mumbai. Not only I moved out from his apartment removing the tiniest trace of evidence that we ever stayed together, he also finds it embarrassing to admit he has a girlfriend. We had lot of fights on the same issue over and over again. I know it's silly to beg for commitment,but I think I deserve some serious promises now.I am with him, one way or other for about three years now, last couple of months we live together mostly, and though while with him I don't doubt the tiniest bit he loves me, when I am away and try to analyze.... and I am skeptical. If I am the right girl, and if everything is okay between us...then why can't he talk to his parents? When you find the right person, any time is the right time for marriage..the rest in life adjusts itself.Or so says Chetan Bhagat.
I think it's pointless to"ask" him to commit for marriage. Even if he do so, just because I told him to, and it won't mean anything. I have not come all the way from USA to be his live-in girl friend. I wanted to settle our relation, to get accepted in each others family.
Anyway for two weeks, it's good to take a break. Live our own life. I hardly ever stay at my "own" home in Wadala or meet my "own" friends much. This should be a good time.
So...........it turned out I have just sooo many things to do!
1) Driving classes at 5-6.15
2)Gym from 7-8
3)Finish reading some books
4)Self rennovation workshop...aww I am excited. Cant wait to meet the new me!
5) Work on mind body looks
6)Party with friends
7)Visit elephanta caves
8)Think through and decide if what's happening is really what I want.
Okay for now I need to go to the parlour...and meet my friends at Bandra later evening.Gotta run!
;) Gorgeous me ;) ;)
I think it's pointless to"ask" him to commit for marriage. Even if he do so, just because I told him to, and it won't mean anything. I have not come all the way from USA to be his live-in girl friend. I wanted to settle our relation, to get accepted in each others family.
Anyway for two weeks, it's good to take a break. Live our own life. I hardly ever stay at my "own" home in Wadala or meet my "own" friends much. This should be a good time.
So...........it turned out I have just sooo many things to do!
1) Driving classes at 5-6.15
2)Gym from 7-8
3)Finish reading some books
4)Self rennovation workshop...aww I am excited. Cant wait to meet the new me!
5) Work on mind body looks
6)Party with friends
7)Visit elephanta caves
8)Think through and decide if what's happening is really what I want.
Okay for now I need to go to the parlour...and meet my friends at Bandra later evening.Gotta run!
;) Gorgeous me ;) ;)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Running Away
Right now I need to run. This uncontrollable desire to run is driving me crazy. I can't explain Akash, I feel so helpless suppressing these extreme emotions I am feeling...and I can't really comprehend why. I have to run now, idk from whom, I need to..may be there would be an answer if I do? May be I feel this for some reason? I don't know...wish I could explain...these myriads of emotions,I can't handle all these anymore. I can't hide it anymore and pretend to be normal when its eating me up.Idk, what to do.
To solve a problem you must recognize you have one. So start by accepting things when you are in a more rational state of mind. Crystal is not real. She has no existance, no brain…and where is she when she talks to you? It’s in your mind. It is but you. And why would God want to destroy you? If so, he could have done it worse. You had been fine in last eight months during your time at Fermilab…so what changed? Why have you gone back to those years in your teens when you had so much problems with these?What has changed?
I don’t know. I just know I feel like I need to run…run from everything.
But when you were in school, you wanted to run from your parents. Who are you running from now?
I don’t know, I just need to, so badly, I can’t explain. There’s too much heavyness inside, and this intense desire of going away…somewhere far. Where no one would know me, judge me….
That makes no sense. It’s not rational. You realize you are going mad? Why are all these coming back, what changed in Bombay? It stopped so long…
If Crystal is not real why do I know her? And she is not a problem. She is just my friend.She doesn’t bother me. She hardly interferes in my life…and I am NOT schrizophenic. I just don’t know why I’m depressed.
Because you can’t stay alone. You need someone. That’s why you are there at Akash’s place.That’s why you needed someone…always.Fred, Max, Judy…you can put up excuses,but the reason was you were scared. You can’t make decisions. You need someone to make them for you. You are every weekend at Akash’s place, and so you are miserable in the week cause you are alone. You imagine a commitment from him, and you stay. But what happens when you go to grad school…who will be there for you?
I don’t know.But I know things with Akash won’t last. I heard it…because its nice in the middle, the end will never be. Like everything. I know it.
Bullshit. You always knew it. You like pretending otherwise. He is a conservative guy. He might like a girl to move in, have sex with…he is fine with that as a lover, but not what he wants in a prospective wife. And what can be better than to have a living in maid with no commitment at all…forget his parents, not even a commitment from him personally that he promise to marry you? But you happily stay. And since you bring up Ria yes, she was with Shamit, but not living in the way you do exactly. But in any case, that didn’t work. So this living in thing wont, you know, I know, he knows. And so does the world. And so when you are so scared about the world laughing at you…THINK…you are doing things to make it laugh at you. When this won’t work, yes your family, Ria..your friends WILL laugh at you. And you have set it up for that.
Stop it. I need to go.
To solve a problem you must recognize you have one. So start by accepting things when you are in a more rational state of mind. Crystal is not real. She has no existance, no brain…and where is she when she talks to you? It’s in your mind. It is but you. And why would God want to destroy you? If so, he could have done it worse. You had been fine in last eight months during your time at Fermilab…so what changed? Why have you gone back to those years in your teens when you had so much problems with these?What has changed?
I don’t know. I just know I feel like I need to run…run from everything.
But when you were in school, you wanted to run from your parents. Who are you running from now?
I don’t know, I just need to, so badly, I can’t explain. There’s too much heavyness inside, and this intense desire of going away…somewhere far. Where no one would know me, judge me….
That makes no sense. It’s not rational. You realize you are going mad? Why are all these coming back, what changed in Bombay? It stopped so long…
If Crystal is not real why do I know her? And she is not a problem. She is just my friend.She doesn’t bother me. She hardly interferes in my life…and I am NOT schrizophenic. I just don’t know why I’m depressed.
Because you can’t stay alone. You need someone. That’s why you are there at Akash’s place.That’s why you needed someone…always.Fred, Max, Judy…you can put up excuses,but the reason was you were scared. You can’t make decisions. You need someone to make them for you. You are every weekend at Akash’s place, and so you are miserable in the week cause you are alone. You imagine a commitment from him, and you stay. But what happens when you go to grad school…who will be there for you?
I don’t know.But I know things with Akash won’t last. I heard it…because its nice in the middle, the end will never be. Like everything. I know it.
Bullshit. You always knew it. You like pretending otherwise. He is a conservative guy. He might like a girl to move in, have sex with…he is fine with that as a lover, but not what he wants in a prospective wife. And what can be better than to have a living in maid with no commitment at all…forget his parents, not even a commitment from him personally that he promise to marry you? But you happily stay. And since you bring up Ria yes, she was with Shamit, but not living in the way you do exactly. But in any case, that didn’t work. So this living in thing wont, you know, I know, he knows. And so does the world. And so when you are so scared about the world laughing at you…THINK…you are doing things to make it laugh at you. When this won’t work, yes your family, Ria..your friends WILL laugh at you. And you have set it up for that.
Stop it. I need to go.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Depression
The first sysmptom of depression is that it absolutely kills your hunger. You feel indifferent to the needs of your system and you wish by some magic process you could become non-existant. That’s how I feel now.
My last resort is this pack of anti-depressants I have ordered. I feel my life so thoroughly screwed up and the irony is that with no one I can share this feeling of defeat. My parents and sister have never been close enough to console me. I would rather get a jeering mixed with some pity on me, which would make things worse.My boyfriend cheers me up, but then I am back to this usual me suffering the pains of failure.Jesse has done everything to make me feel better. No one gives me so much attention.But nothing is helping. I don’t know what I lacked. The rejection from Berkeley made me cry, when I had spent so much time on the application. And the no-response state from the others makes things so obvious.
You already got four school..- that’s what they said. Well yeah, three and in one, the funding is a bit screwed up. Nebraska, Ullinois Chicago , Vanderbilt and Ohio State. And none of these are schools I really wanted to attain. I don’t know why I applied..at that point I felt a PhD or a Masters from such safe schools wouldn’t be a disaster. But on the contrary, I feel different now. I gave up a prospective job offer at Fermilab, a corporate job offer at Cognizant and didn’t even try for anything else, other than praying and hoping to get in a top school.
And back to my crazy mind, which hears someone speaking ALWAYS. With a threat of I’ll destroy you, tone. I know I pretend to be not overtly religious…but who would believe my conversation with probably what I think is some sort of God? Ever since six we talk and he for some reason decides to screw my life for no apparent reason. He keepts telling me that I got everything too easily in last couple of years and I didn’t deserve it.Because somehow by fate, I don't deserve anything good.(Like when Akash and I were together,I was surprised of something so good happening to me...but I knew it wouldn't last). I didn’t deserve any of them, so why I should be special? He wants to drag me to a place I would have been without my so called glorious acheivements. And then, evaluates me. And hence all this rejections. I told him, I did everything to be someone, to be out of ordinary and to prove that our four history of undergrad do not dicate where we land up. I wanted to inspire. But I was wrong. I failed, and failed miserably.
To be honest I cannot understand what has gone so wrong. Sometimes I feel a hidden implication in it, that this is happening to drive to me to my unavoidable destiny. Last night I talked to Crystal, I cried and I cried with her. I am sorry for whatever happened to her and would be to me, I asked her if I could change it, and I know I can’t. But what if I am wrong? What if I don’t have eight years, but just few more months? What if this travel takes me to a place of no return? May be that’s why it is irrelevant what school I am going? May be if I got into a top school I would have changed my travel plans and worked on grad studies instead.
It's probably not just school. It's so many things, pains of failure, rejections and insecurities that is driving me crazy. At times I feel I am a paranoid, may be I need medical help. I always am apprehensive of some untimely consequence, of destruction...and some threat. Like, this is a serves you right kind of thing happening to me. I feel this pain is much harder to endure and it makes me regret my choices of the last two years, for taking internships instead of being the ordinary and join CTS. I now look foolish...to myself and to everyone. I don't have much time...to either live or succeed...and there are somethings I wanted so bad in this short wild crazy life, this anticlimax to all that is unexpected.
My fits of depression is driving me crazy. Akash says so. And I know it, but it has got so difficult to control. I am suicidal. I feel like dying. Because I keep feeling negetive about everything..that everything is going to fail.
I am lonely. I wish my mother loved me. Wish I had a sister who would have been a best friend.
I think I am mad. I should sleep.
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