Today I want to write. I don't know about what, but I realize, even though this might be a manifestation of my scattered and disconnected thoughts, I need to vent out. I need to talk. To a stranger, to a world I don't know. And may be, this is my best possible escape.

I stare out of the window at the white world. It's quite a sunny day, but still freezing. It's too lonely out here, I don't see anyone walk by. Couple of cars every now and then. And that is all.

Like everyone, I wish I had someone. But it has always been like this. Reminds me of a song "Lonliness is always looking for a friend, It found me once and it has been there since then. Lonliness never waits by the door, it sweeps in and it can never be ignored..Why, why was I chosen? Why am I left behind?" I think most people in this world are in fact very lonely. Despite of the parties, despite of the giggles and laugh, they all come to their bedroom...and bury their head and cry. They stand in the shower and cry. There are some who show it, and some who has too much of a pride to admit. But the fact is, in this world, despite of so much social networking which gives you a fake feeling of being connected(...oh someone commented on my statys msg, cause they care, whereas the truth is...it's cause they had nothing else to do), despite of talking on phone with your best friend for two hours, despite of Friday night outs and parties, despite of the fact that probably never in history of mankind people have been so outgoing, gregarious...yet more disconnected than ever. We have forgotten how to feel. Feel beyond ourselves.

Already Gone...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go

It’s raining outside. The weather here has made me sick. I can’t seem to get rid of the cold. I was coughing so much, that I couldn’t sleep. So I decided to wake up.
Rain reminds me a lot of Mumbai. Of home, of India. And specially of Sancho, my ex who always felt the most important things in life for him had happened on rainy days. True, the day I met him it had rained. The day that decided us to be together…flooded the whole city. Sometimes I want to just chuck off the entire episode with him, somehow forget everything. Like if I could press a shift+ delete and make it f go away forever, instead of staying in the recycle bin from where I am tempted every now and then to retrieve it back.

I had been lying on bed and thinking my travels in Mumbai local train, my first rain in Mumbai….early morning when I was returning from Vashi, in February, the panipuri store near his apartment where I would have my treat before going to his house. Sometimes he would just appear from nowhere behind me, catch me doing so. I remember days when he would stand at my college gate…I could hardly wait my last class to be over. It was happiness, but all of it was fake, it meant nothing. The feelings I am clinging onto were all fake. And funny thing is , it’s not that I don’t know it, and yet they come back, they hit me, and they make me wanna cry. Sometimes I am so convinced I probably can never love again, cause I feel I can never feel that way again. I can never have the courage to trust…to trust myself that way. And I am not brave enough to want to get hurt so bad again.
How do you feel, when in your weirdly odd life, you come across a person, who you just happen to know is your soulmate? Like you feel it, like you know deep within? And it’s not like those passing crushes and infatuations where you admire someone from a distance and live your life in those romantic fantasies. It is real, it’s when everything is so perfect, like a love that makes you feel so happy to be alive? I believed in such a love. I felt my lover felt as much as I did, and we are meant to be together. For three years I didn’t let go of it for anything. I didn’t want a richer guy, I didn’t want anyone else. I often wonder how strongly I must have felt…or may be still do, that nothing else appeals? But how do you feel when you suddenly realize, this whole feeling was unreal? That somebody just played a game with you. That you were WRONG. And SOO wrong.

I feel I can’t trust my feelings anymore. But people say, I am gonna meet someone nice who will prove that all men in the world are not assholes. But sometimes I can’t help wondering... was this supposed to end this way?

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

@ Scott Lab, 5.30pm

It's just another day @ Scott Lab, Ohio State University. Not much reasons why I should blog right now when there is obviously so many other things I should rather take care of; it's just that those are not listed. Not organized. So, somehow unlike my thoughts which I can just blurr out, I somehow can't do the same when it comes to actions. I don't know why.

I am some thousands of miles away from many things. Besides Akash that is. From the Ganga, from those fleeting moments of love-sex and pain, from anger, indecisiveness. Everything and all that I have left back in a country far in the East.

Or may be I have not really left everything behind?

I saw the fall colours change, and I find the quiet dead days of winter creeping in. And deep down, I feel like I am dying as well. I often look at people around me...that is people like me, who come from the "less privileged" countries to the rich ones, in search of better lives. And then I am not sure, that's my goal. The typical American dream of earning dollars, having a couple cars, and weekend parties. I am not sure that's what I wanted. And I don't know how to change the obvious path.

I am biting my nails now. I feel a shockwave running through me. Like I am going to pass out. I think I pretty much hate myself. I hate myself for never being able to say NO, for thinking too much. I hate myself for being here and not at Paris. I hate myself, that I have by will screwed up my life. God gave me many chances, but I never bothered. Guilt, sympathy, weakness..don't know what it was, but I have completely lost it.

I am cold. Alone. And fucked.

I am still learning

How is it now have you moved on
And do you still think of me
When I'm am gone
I think of you and I just wonder
Where you are
And what thoughts are racing through your mind
Who are you holding now
Oh I hope that you are happy now and
Someday I know I will be

I've been told there'll be another
(or so they say)
But I guess never like the other
So I'll shed my tears
And I'll face my fears
I've been told there'll be another

It's so simple to say I love you
But sometimes it's not enough
So I'll find my sunrise
At the end of these few words
Who are you holding now
oh I hope that you're happy now and
Someday I know I will be

I've been told there'll be another
(or so they say)
But I guess never like the other
So I'll shed my tears
And I'll face me fears
I've been told there'll be another
I've been told there'll be another..

Words. and Cheap words.

I saw your mail but I dared not read it sitting in Houston. Everyday in houston and then in New York I traveled on foot and somehow tried to imagine how you must be faring in this world. But I had the confidence that you would be doing well. I had tried numerous times to justify my behavior and my actions and found no grounds to do that. The most painful day in my life was after we broke up and then I went to Band Stand to find you sitting there waiting for me. I knew an affirmative action would have been enough to bring us back to our lives and I would have never lost you. The entire night you whimpered in the bed and I had to tie down my emotions. In the morning you woke up with a conviction that all of that was a transitory phase and we would be together. I replay that taxi drive repeatedly in my mind and it still haunts me. A week back I went through city centre in Kolkata and every corner had our memories attached to it.

One night I was pitch drunk and wrote something in my blog and I woke up later to find that it was all about the relationship which I had failed. I know I would never be able to get you back and no way I can heal the indelible wounds that i have etched in your heart. But I have hope you will walk through this life your own way and there is definitely no cliff waiting for you as it did for crystal. Titli life is short and and time travels fast but the world is still very small. Somehow I still harbor the desire in my heart to catch a glimpse of you walking across a road with the smile on your face that used to make my travel down to Calcutta all its worth. Maybe you would be walking with somebody else but I know I would be happy to just to see you smiling your carefree butterfly smile.

Life with my alter

It's worse than the most complex physics problem, when you can't perceive time. You are oblivious of your position, location, action at a time t, cause at time t you weren't you.

Not funny. Who can I blame? Some physciatrists say it's not so bad. I think it's bullshit. I was okay all these years, and I ask them how can a break up, lead me to have MPD? It was only a break up. And I dealt with it okay.

They said, I didn't deal with it. My alter did, as I couldn't.

Ofcourse to make you feel better (like people do, whenever you are in a mess), they will tell you a number of creative people and geniuses who suffered from schrizophenia or MPD-John Nash, Vincent, Da Vinci, some pink floyd guy. But it's like saying, how you can be handicapped like hawkins and yet create history. It's a few in billions, right? Most people would live pretty much an incapable life. I am not saying I would be useless...but, with so much inconsitency with my own self, its tough. Most probably live a life in mental hospital or just happily deal with it like me.


It's not too bad. Not too bad, they say. Just living in a real life science fiction. Where strange things happen to you. Like movies and watched and got amused.

Crystal has always been there. As me. The bolder me.

A silent revenge

Yes I am hurt. And I am hurt everytime I look back. I gave myself the benefit of doudt, now and then. Well, I pretended not to believe it, but may be somewhere deep I did.

Now I know it was unreal. But if you think I'm weak, and have fallen apart; I am someone who will dissapear into nothingness while you grown with your ambitions, I promise you that won't happen. So far I have proved you wrong. I have stood out more so than you have. And I will continue. You may say whatever you want, and yet nothing will crush me. I will grow. And one day, I promise I will outdo you in a way you that you will feel you have never been so inferior.

And it's me who will have the last laugh.

Let the game begin...in silence.

PS: Oh and as far as ordinary goes...let me remind you. You have always been so. You have lived your life in a illusion of self created glory, and lived forever clinging to your miniscule achievements of your early youth. Let me remind you, I have tried to pull you out of that a dozen times.But how could I? You are fake : every bit of you.May be one day by luck you might make a million (yes, you are lucky, I know that). Or a billion. But you will ALWAYS be ordinary. Cause you neither have the wisdom nor the heart, to stand out. That is if you really understand what "standing out" means.