I saw your mail but I dared not read it sitting in Houston. Everyday in houston and then in New York I traveled on foot and somehow tried to imagine how you must be faring in this world. But I had the confidence that you would be doing well. I had tried numerous times to justify my behavior and my actions and found no grounds to do that. The most painful day in my life was after we broke up and then I went to Band Stand to find you sitting there waiting for me. I knew an affirmative action would have been enough to bring us back to our lives and I would have never lost you. The entire night you whimpered in the bed and I had to tie down my emotions. In the morning you woke up with a conviction that all of that was a transitory phase and we would be together. I replay that taxi drive repeatedly in my mind and it still haunts me. A week back I went through city centre in Kolkata and every corner had our memories attached to it.
One night I was pitch drunk and wrote something in my blog and I woke up later to find that it was all about the relationship which I had failed. I know I would never be able to get you back and no way I can heal the indelible wounds that i have etched in your heart. But I have hope you will walk through this life your own way and there is definitely no cliff waiting for you as it did for crystal. Titli life is short and and time travels fast but the world is still very small. Somehow I still harbor the desire in my heart to catch a glimpse of you walking across a road with the smile on your face that used to make my travel down to Calcutta all its worth. Maybe you would be walking with somebody else but I know I would be happy to just to see you smiling your carefree butterfly smile.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Life with my alter
It's worse than the most complex physics problem, when you can't perceive time. You are oblivious of your position, location, action at a time t, cause at time t you weren't you.
Not funny. Who can I blame? Some physciatrists say it's not so bad. I think it's bullshit. I was okay all these years, and I ask them how can a break up, lead me to have MPD? It was only a break up. And I dealt with it okay.
They said, I didn't deal with it. My alter did, as I couldn't.
Ofcourse to make you feel better (like people do, whenever you are in a mess), they will tell you a number of creative people and geniuses who suffered from schrizophenia or MPD-John Nash, Vincent, Da Vinci, some pink floyd guy. But it's like saying, how you can be handicapped like hawkins and yet create history. It's a few in billions, right? Most people would live pretty much an incapable life. I am not saying I would be useless...but, with so much inconsitency with my own self, its tough. Most probably live a life in mental hospital or just happily deal with it like me.
It's not too bad. Not too bad, they say. Just living in a real life science fiction. Where strange things happen to you. Like movies and watched and got amused.
Crystal has always been there. As me. The bolder me.
Not funny. Who can I blame? Some physciatrists say it's not so bad. I think it's bullshit. I was okay all these years, and I ask them how can a break up, lead me to have MPD? It was only a break up. And I dealt with it okay.
They said, I didn't deal with it. My alter did, as I couldn't.
Ofcourse to make you feel better (like people do, whenever you are in a mess), they will tell you a number of creative people and geniuses who suffered from schrizophenia or MPD-John Nash, Vincent, Da Vinci, some pink floyd guy. But it's like saying, how you can be handicapped like hawkins and yet create history. It's a few in billions, right? Most people would live pretty much an incapable life. I am not saying I would be useless...but, with so much inconsitency with my own self, its tough. Most probably live a life in mental hospital or just happily deal with it like me.
It's not too bad. Not too bad, they say. Just living in a real life science fiction. Where strange things happen to you. Like movies and watched and got amused.
Crystal has always been there. As me. The bolder me.
A silent revenge
Yes I am hurt. And I am hurt everytime I look back. I gave myself the benefit of doudt, now and then. Well, I pretended not to believe it, but may be somewhere deep I did.
Now I know it was unreal. But if you think I'm weak, and have fallen apart; I am someone who will dissapear into nothingness while you grown with your ambitions, I promise you that won't happen. So far I have proved you wrong. I have stood out more so than you have. And I will continue. You may say whatever you want, and yet nothing will crush me. I will grow. And one day, I promise I will outdo you in a way you that you will feel you have never been so inferior.
And it's me who will have the last laugh.
Let the game begin...in silence.
PS: Oh and as far as ordinary goes...let me remind you. You have always been so. You have lived your life in a illusion of self created glory, and lived forever clinging to your miniscule achievements of your early youth. Let me remind you, I have tried to pull you out of that a dozen times.But how could I? You are fake : every bit of you.May be one day by luck you might make a million (yes, you are lucky, I know that). Or a billion. But you will ALWAYS be ordinary. Cause you neither have the wisdom nor the heart, to stand out. That is if you really understand what "standing out" means.
Now I know it was unreal. But if you think I'm weak, and have fallen apart; I am someone who will dissapear into nothingness while you grown with your ambitions, I promise you that won't happen. So far I have proved you wrong. I have stood out more so than you have. And I will continue. You may say whatever you want, and yet nothing will crush me. I will grow. And one day, I promise I will outdo you in a way you that you will feel you have never been so inferior.
And it's me who will have the last laugh.
Let the game begin...in silence.
PS: Oh and as far as ordinary goes...let me remind you. You have always been so. You have lived your life in a illusion of self created glory, and lived forever clinging to your miniscule achievements of your early youth. Let me remind you, I have tried to pull you out of that a dozen times.But how could I? You are fake : every bit of you.May be one day by luck you might make a million (yes, you are lucky, I know that). Or a billion. But you will ALWAYS be ordinary. Cause you neither have the wisdom nor the heart, to stand out. That is if you really understand what "standing out" means.
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