Already Gone...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go

It’s raining outside. The weather here has made me sick. I can’t seem to get rid of the cold. I was coughing so much, that I couldn’t sleep. So I decided to wake up.
Rain reminds me a lot of Mumbai. Of home, of India. And specially of Sancho, my ex who always felt the most important things in life for him had happened on rainy days. True, the day I met him it had rained. The day that decided us to be together…flooded the whole city. Sometimes I want to just chuck off the entire episode with him, somehow forget everything. Like if I could press a shift+ delete and make it f go away forever, instead of staying in the recycle bin from where I am tempted every now and then to retrieve it back.

I had been lying on bed and thinking my travels in Mumbai local train, my first rain in Mumbai….early morning when I was returning from Vashi, in February, the panipuri store near his apartment where I would have my treat before going to his house. Sometimes he would just appear from nowhere behind me, catch me doing so. I remember days when he would stand at my college gate…I could hardly wait my last class to be over. It was happiness, but all of it was fake, it meant nothing. The feelings I am clinging onto were all fake. And funny thing is , it’s not that I don’t know it, and yet they come back, they hit me, and they make me wanna cry. Sometimes I am so convinced I probably can never love again, cause I feel I can never feel that way again. I can never have the courage to trust…to trust myself that way. And I am not brave enough to want to get hurt so bad again.
How do you feel, when in your weirdly odd life, you come across a person, who you just happen to know is your soulmate? Like you feel it, like you know deep within? And it’s not like those passing crushes and infatuations where you admire someone from a distance and live your life in those romantic fantasies. It is real, it’s when everything is so perfect, like a love that makes you feel so happy to be alive? I believed in such a love. I felt my lover felt as much as I did, and we are meant to be together. For three years I didn’t let go of it for anything. I didn’t want a richer guy, I didn’t want anyone else. I often wonder how strongly I must have felt…or may be still do, that nothing else appeals? But how do you feel when you suddenly realize, this whole feeling was unreal? That somebody just played a game with you. That you were WRONG. And SOO wrong.

I feel I can’t trust my feelings anymore. But people say, I am gonna meet someone nice who will prove that all men in the world are not assholes. But sometimes I can’t help wondering... was this supposed to end this way?

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...