It's just another day @ Scott Lab, Ohio State University. Not much reasons why I should blog right now when there is obviously so many other things I should rather take care of; it's just that those are not listed. Not organized. So, somehow unlike my thoughts which I can just blurr out, I somehow can't do the same when it comes to actions. I don't know why.
I am some thousands of miles away from many things. Besides Akash that is. From the Ganga, from those fleeting moments of love-sex and pain, from anger, indecisiveness. Everything and all that I have left back in a country far in the East.
Or may be I have not really left everything behind?
I saw the fall colours change, and I find the quiet dead days of winter creeping in. And deep down, I feel like I am dying as well. I often look at people around me...that is people like me, who come from the "less privileged" countries to the rich ones, in search of better lives. And then I am not sure, that's my goal. The typical American dream of earning dollars, having a couple cars, and weekend parties. I am not sure that's what I wanted. And I don't know how to change the obvious path.
I am biting my nails now. I feel a shockwave running through me. Like I am going to pass out. I think I pretty much hate myself. I hate myself for never being able to say NO, for thinking too much. I hate myself for being here and not at Paris. I hate myself, that I have by will screwed up my life. God gave me many chances, but I never bothered. Guilt, sympathy, weakness..don't know what it was, but I have completely lost it.
I am cold. Alone. And fucked.
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