Life is a cocktail party

Remember I started a story called eight years? I probably need to give it an ending, and somehow I think I have one. I have debated a lot, what kind of ending it should have, and I have come to a conclusion. It would have a more of a real-life kinda conclusion. There's no point of being an illusionist.

My arm is still broken, but the good news is it can be okay without a surgery. I was really freaked out about the surgery thing. It often reminded me of Akash's knee surgery...and somehow I hate the idea of being incapacitated because of that. But anyway.

Akash has a new 'gf' now; It's funny how insecure he is that he couldn't even spend few months without one. I just tried to recollect our conversation from the night I was drunk; and sadly I can't seem to remember. Other than the fact he was as usual complaining about his life and job.

I went to a cocktail and dessert party today w Ratnesh. It was weird dressing so classy. Everyone was dressed up, and acted funny. They didn't seem like the guys sweatshirt that you bump onto everyday, but as if with their fancy attire their personality also underwent a fancy change. As much as I loved the food and the wine there,the conversations were too fake and hollow for my choice. Or may be, I am just too used to being a student. I like loud parties, $2 pitchers..and this was lol, too sophisticated for my taste?

The chocolate raspberry dessert wine was amazing though. The biscottis and cheezecake were literally sensational. We picked some up for home. After party we went walking in the city, and ended up having hour long conversation in his van. We then drove to my place, picked up a NYPD pizza and some soda on the way, and hung out at my apartment, on my bed till 2.30 in the morning.Of course then I had to let him know, he should leave. I knew I didn't want him on my bed in the morning.

I like my conversations with him; I can be whatever and whoever I like, because I don't know him enough to worry about offending him. We are similar in many of our thoughts and perception, and philosophies of life.But, all in all I realize, I need this closeness only for a while, and I don't want anyone to have a strong presence in my life. I like the impermanence, I like anything that's transitory. To drag it beyond it would not be possible for me. Of course other than Jesse.

The possibilities were numerous. But did I even kiss him? No. I am not Akash, and I guess I want to be able to deal w my insecurities. But on a serious note, I can't seem to be wanting for another- it would be too stressful for me. I have been thinking, and realized Akash and I were just the apparent soul mates, like the cute guy in the cocktail party you bump onto and feel there must be some connection. But it's all fake. I mean, we are really so different people. I think he would be happy with a typical pretty Bengali girl, the kind who seeks for a 'well settled bengali boy w a lot of money and degree'..and well do I envy her? Nah, I just realize I am way too better for him.

I sometimes think about Avi. He is still in Harvard. And hopefully happy. May be someday I would change my mind about him. But right now, I think a successful bf would be too intimidating. I need to compete now, not give in.

The funny thing in the last jobfair was when I started talking to this guy from Schlumberger, and found it would be so easy for me.I wouldn't deny I like Akash's job, cause it allows you to travel. And ideally that's what I would like to do. I was talking to Adrian, and turns out I can go to Malayasia, SE Asia, Africa...it seemed a good deal. I have to think about it.

Ratnesh was right. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am the former, and I enjoy it tremendously. I like going underground, I like being disconnected sometimes from human relationships,and society in general. I like randomness. At the end life is just a cocktail party where you dress up for a show, you talk nicely smile a lot...but you don't really give a damn.

Because of you

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Not like you

Sometimes I am no more sure.

How does a beam in an accelerator feels like? Going round and round and colliding even before it knows? Times I feel like that.I am passing through the seasons with the velocity of light, I m colliding with whatver life has to thrust upon me. To add to my adventure, I broke my left arm.Which needs a surgery next week.

Last night, I had an adventure. There is a certain American Indian guy Ratnesh, in the law school, I had been exchanging texts and emails with, but never met. The weather has been amazing last two days...upto the 60's, and it was too tempting to stay home. I went running last night. He texted if we could meet at eddie george's grill at 11pm, I thought...well, why not? We met and the outing went pretty much my way, walking through the oval, exploring the class rooms at 1 in the morning, dancing at the drinko hall.I wore my my cute green sling, w my left arm lying dead in it.And ofcourse, we had buckeye donuts and milk to end the first half of night with.

Second half of the night (no we were not in bed at my place)....we went for a long drive.Reminded me so much of the crazy nights Alex and I would drive from the suburb to Chicago. I don't know, but we drove and drove. Ofcourse it was easy making conversations with him...and then I realized, ah well there you go, another Leo. Same age as Akash. Ah well.

We drove till we reached nowhere, far outside the city. We played his favourite music and talked about so many things. The good thing about being w strangers is that you can be who you want to be, because you don't lose anything if they leave. We both have backpacked India, we both read lots of books. We both like good music...lol, including that old christina aguilera genie in a bottle song. We talked about our love for all the transitory things, and how we are looking for everything else other than love.


Somewhere in the other part of the world I imagine Akash w someone else, and in love. I remember him telling me, that he can never love again, and I often think why people want to be what they cant be. Akash never loved me, or anyone. If he has loved anyone...it's himself. But looking at it, with detached emotions...he is just an ordinary Bengali boy, who has spent his life brooding and grumbling, and in a self destructive attitude.Realistically, could w have made it through? No, I had only been trying to see the way I wanted. In the end he is just an ordinary Bengali boy, with a typical bengali "middle class" mentality (and not to offend mddle class people) and who is trying to sham it w a fake lifestyle. Who sought to money as the only way to make his life interesting. At the end he is just a good catch for that pretty bengali girl, who all her life dreamnt of a 'well settled' boy. Doesn't sound exciting, right?

Off late listening to this certain Kelly Clarkson song, I often thought of him. I often feel, I hate him for things which I m picking up. Life has been shit, but sometimes I see myself being like him- brooding over life, complaining and being miserable. Even if you read his blogs, you find a saddist approach, like someone happy with causing pain to another and then saying, 'its not you, its just me'. I wanna live through the pain. I don't want to be like him.