Remember I started a story called eight years? I probably need to give it an ending, and somehow I think I have one. I have debated a lot, what kind of ending it should have, and I have come to a conclusion. It would have a more of a real-life kinda conclusion. There's no point of being an illusionist.
My arm is still broken, but the good news is it can be okay without a surgery. I was really freaked out about the surgery thing. It often reminded me of Akash's knee surgery...and somehow I hate the idea of being incapacitated because of that. But anyway.
Akash has a new 'gf' now; It's funny how insecure he is that he couldn't even spend few months without one. I just tried to recollect our conversation from the night I was drunk; and sadly I can't seem to remember. Other than the fact he was as usual complaining about his life and job.
I went to a cocktail and dessert party today w Ratnesh. It was weird dressing so classy. Everyone was dressed up, and acted funny. They didn't seem like the guys sweatshirt that you bump onto everyday, but as if with their fancy attire their personality also underwent a fancy change. As much as I loved the food and the wine there,the conversations were too fake and hollow for my choice. Or may be, I am just too used to being a student. I like loud parties, $2 pitchers..and this was lol, too sophisticated for my taste?
The chocolate raspberry dessert wine was amazing though. The biscottis and cheezecake were literally sensational. We picked some up for home. After party we went walking in the city, and ended up having hour long conversation in his van. We then drove to my place, picked up a NYPD pizza and some soda on the way, and hung out at my apartment, on my bed till 2.30 in the morning.Of course then I had to let him know, he should leave. I knew I didn't want him on my bed in the morning.
I like my conversations with him; I can be whatever and whoever I like, because I don't know him enough to worry about offending him. We are similar in many of our thoughts and perception, and philosophies of life.But, all in all I realize, I need this closeness only for a while, and I don't want anyone to have a strong presence in my life. I like the impermanence, I like anything that's transitory. To drag it beyond it would not be possible for me. Of course other than Jesse.
The possibilities were numerous. But did I even kiss him? No. I am not Akash, and I guess I want to be able to deal w my insecurities. But on a serious note, I can't seem to be wanting for another- it would be too stressful for me. I have been thinking, and realized Akash and I were just the apparent soul mates, like the cute guy in the cocktail party you bump onto and feel there must be some connection. But it's all fake. I mean, we are really so different people. I think he would be happy with a typical pretty Bengali girl, the kind who seeks for a 'well settled bengali boy w a lot of money and degree'..and well do I envy her? Nah, I just realize I am way too better for him.
I sometimes think about Avi. He is still in Harvard. And hopefully happy. May be someday I would change my mind about him. But right now, I think a successful bf would be too intimidating. I need to compete now, not give in.
The funny thing in the last jobfair was when I started talking to this guy from Schlumberger, and found it would be so easy for me.I wouldn't deny I like Akash's job, cause it allows you to travel. And ideally that's what I would like to do. I was talking to Adrian, and turns out I can go to Malayasia, SE Asia, Africa...it seemed a good deal. I have to think about it.
Ratnesh was right. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am the former, and I enjoy it tremendously. I like going underground, I like being disconnected sometimes from human relationships,and society in general. I like randomness. At the end life is just a cocktail party where you dress up for a show, you talk nicely smile a lot...but you don't really give a damn.
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