Not like you

Sometimes I am no more sure.

How does a beam in an accelerator feels like? Going round and round and colliding even before it knows? Times I feel like that.I am passing through the seasons with the velocity of light, I m colliding with whatver life has to thrust upon me. To add to my adventure, I broke my left arm.Which needs a surgery next week.

Last night, I had an adventure. There is a certain American Indian guy Ratnesh, in the law school, I had been exchanging texts and emails with, but never met. The weather has been amazing last two days...upto the 60's, and it was too tempting to stay home. I went running last night. He texted if we could meet at eddie george's grill at 11pm, I thought...well, why not? We met and the outing went pretty much my way, walking through the oval, exploring the class rooms at 1 in the morning, dancing at the drinko hall.I wore my my cute green sling, w my left arm lying dead in it.And ofcourse, we had buckeye donuts and milk to end the first half of night with.

Second half of the night (no we were not in bed at my place)....we went for a long drive.Reminded me so much of the crazy nights Alex and I would drive from the suburb to Chicago. I don't know, but we drove and drove. Ofcourse it was easy making conversations with him...and then I realized, ah well there you go, another Leo. Same age as Akash. Ah well.

We drove till we reached nowhere, far outside the city. We played his favourite music and talked about so many things. The good thing about being w strangers is that you can be who you want to be, because you don't lose anything if they leave. We both have backpacked India, we both read lots of books. We both like good music...lol, including that old christina aguilera genie in a bottle song. We talked about our love for all the transitory things, and how we are looking for everything else other than love.


Somewhere in the other part of the world I imagine Akash w someone else, and in love. I remember him telling me, that he can never love again, and I often think why people want to be what they cant be. Akash never loved me, or anyone. If he has loved anyone...it's himself. But looking at it, with detached emotions...he is just an ordinary Bengali boy, who has spent his life brooding and grumbling, and in a self destructive attitude.Realistically, could w have made it through? No, I had only been trying to see the way I wanted. In the end he is just an ordinary Bengali boy, with a typical bengali "middle class" mentality (and not to offend mddle class people) and who is trying to sham it w a fake lifestyle. Who sought to money as the only way to make his life interesting. At the end he is just a good catch for that pretty bengali girl, who all her life dreamnt of a 'well settled' boy. Doesn't sound exciting, right?

Off late listening to this certain Kelly Clarkson song, I often thought of him. I often feel, I hate him for things which I m picking up. Life has been shit, but sometimes I see myself being like him- brooding over life, complaining and being miserable. Even if you read his blogs, you find a saddist approach, like someone happy with causing pain to another and then saying, 'its not you, its just me'. I wanna live through the pain. I don't want to be like him.