This is the end.
I had to let go of you
Not much point holding on
The end is here, the end is near
Let me run free.
Do I want, be what I want
Escape into the paradise
For a few days
Live like I want
You’d watch me shine
My glory, and it will engulf you
In pity and resentment
Loss and fear
Feeling of nothingness.
And you, I owe you everything
For all the love these years,
But, it’s time for farewell
To bid goodbye forever
And the sea is calling
I know the place
I know everything
And it’s few more days
Into paradise
Into peace
Off to a star, out of reach.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Hold it against me?
Misjudged.
She feels no qualms about it.There is nothing that she particularly wants out of it. May be a night of pretension. Pretending love. But would it come, she wonders? She has forgotten how it feels like to feel that way. She is 28, she has everything she wanted. And now, a flying liscense too. One day soon she gonna fly her own Aerotrek across the corn fields at her gradfather's farm house.
Everything seems perfect, except that everyone seems to think she is 28, and lonely.
But she wanted it this way. It's been years she has met him. He is married, may be, she thought. And why would I care.Would I in all my senses, at this point of my life seek for a guy like him? No! But at some point I did. I got hurt to the point, I realized..that's it not just my parents. It's not the people we see breaking up. It's everyone- we all live in some stupid illusion of love, that waste our time and talent. I wouldn't be what I am were I with him. I would be nothing. Other than a good wifey? Hah.
But tonight she has a date. A purely random guy, she met in the bar the other night. She has known him only for five minutes, she had to leave.But she couldn't forget him. The smell of his perfume, the strange look in his eyes, he was impossible to miss in that crowd of hundreds. He texted her today morning, he gonna meet her tonight. She wanna be in the arms of a stranger. She gonna be fine.
And, it's just a week before she would pack her bags and leave for Israel. Nothing's forever.
She feels no qualms about it.There is nothing that she particularly wants out of it. May be a night of pretension. Pretending love. But would it come, she wonders? She has forgotten how it feels like to feel that way. She is 28, she has everything she wanted. And now, a flying liscense too. One day soon she gonna fly her own Aerotrek across the corn fields at her gradfather's farm house.
Everything seems perfect, except that everyone seems to think she is 28, and lonely.
But she wanted it this way. It's been years she has met him. He is married, may be, she thought. And why would I care.Would I in all my senses, at this point of my life seek for a guy like him? No! But at some point I did. I got hurt to the point, I realized..that's it not just my parents. It's not the people we see breaking up. It's everyone- we all live in some stupid illusion of love, that waste our time and talent. I wouldn't be what I am were I with him. I would be nothing. Other than a good wifey? Hah.
But tonight she has a date. A purely random guy, she met in the bar the other night. She has known him only for five minutes, she had to leave.But she couldn't forget him. The smell of his perfume, the strange look in his eyes, he was impossible to miss in that crowd of hundreds. He texted her today morning, he gonna meet her tonight. She wanna be in the arms of a stranger. She gonna be fine.
And, it's just a week before she would pack her bags and leave for Israel. Nothing's forever.
Something wrong
It's funny. How two relationships have affacted me. My mood, reactions, days, perspectives. With Akash, it changed me into someone else after that. With Jesse, who comes to a conclusion that, that it's better I leave, because...all I do is blame him for everything. And may be that's true, so he thnks I might do better without him. And no one knows. Fights and so on affect me, to an extent that affect everything else. I dissapear, I don't turn up to meet my friends anymore...who cancel something because they they didn't hear from me. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I probably don't wanna live either.
Do I wish things were normal? That I lived a life like other girls? Yes, sometimes. But I can change nothing...it went wrong the very day I was born, I think.
Do I wish things were normal? That I lived a life like other girls? Yes, sometimes. But I can change nothing...it went wrong the very day I was born, I think.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Bipolar Disorder
They call it bipolar disorder.
I had been doing good, except for today. It's been a while it happened. The strong mood swings, when I wake up depressed, then call Jesse, yell at him and start crying. Break dishes, and have glass on the kitchen floor. Hurt myself. Cry, cry, till my eyes swell. I hate Jesse, I feel like he would dissapear, and not exist. I hate myself, my life. Everything.
For those, who wonder, or suffer with the same problem of extreme mood swings that has no logic whatsoever, the immediate rememdy is probably to go out of the house. But, you can't make yourself to do so, usually. For me, I refuse to go out, take phone calls, meet anyone. I read up suicide methods, and imagine how to kill myself. Usually I understand it's a problem I try to go to sleep. If I am awake it's very difficult.
Right now I am going out. Forcing myself to. To shop some food. I am going to hiking tomorrow at Hocking hills with my friends. I need to feel better.
I had been doing good, except for today. It's been a while it happened. The strong mood swings, when I wake up depressed, then call Jesse, yell at him and start crying. Break dishes, and have glass on the kitchen floor. Hurt myself. Cry, cry, till my eyes swell. I hate Jesse, I feel like he would dissapear, and not exist. I hate myself, my life. Everything.
For those, who wonder, or suffer with the same problem of extreme mood swings that has no logic whatsoever, the immediate rememdy is probably to go out of the house. But, you can't make yourself to do so, usually. For me, I refuse to go out, take phone calls, meet anyone. I read up suicide methods, and imagine how to kill myself. Usually I understand it's a problem I try to go to sleep. If I am awake it's very difficult.
Right now I am going out. Forcing myself to. To shop some food. I am going to hiking tomorrow at Hocking hills with my friends. I need to feel better.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
It's complicated.
It's complicated.. I told you.
Yes you did. And I can deal with it.
I won't stay you know. I won't. I can't. I am torn inside. I am broken. I am chasing after everything and nothing. I can't love. No..not again.
Love isn't everything. May be you will love. May be you won't. But I'll be here for you. I am not gonna hold you back, I am not gonna ask you stay.
There's just too much hate in me. It won't go away. I need no one. I just want to be alone. Alone. I can't handle this bonds and ties.
You imagine those bonds. Leave if you want. What only I wanted to say, is just because one guy was an asshole doesn't mean the whole world is. Doesn't mean you can never trust again. That's all I wanted you to know.
Yes you did. And I can deal with it.
I won't stay you know. I won't. I can't. I am torn inside. I am broken. I am chasing after everything and nothing. I can't love. No..not again.
Love isn't everything. May be you will love. May be you won't. But I'll be here for you. I am not gonna hold you back, I am not gonna ask you stay.
There's just too much hate in me. It won't go away. I need no one. I just want to be alone. Alone. I can't handle this bonds and ties.
You imagine those bonds. Leave if you want. What only I wanted to say, is just because one guy was an asshole doesn't mean the whole world is. Doesn't mean you can never trust again. That's all I wanted you to know.
Friday, April 22, 2011
A little bit of love
I look at you sleeping peacefully. I feel happy cuddled upto you in the warm tent. It was a long crazy hike, on a pretty difficult trail, and I probably should be tired and wanting to sleep. But there are millions of thoughts passing through my head, as I watch you, feel your arms wrapped around me, and think of you, us...and everything.
I am happy. Just that I lack words. Happy to be away from the monotony of the big cities, be it Chicago, New York or Columbus. Happy to be away from the human civilizaton, in the middle of the woods somewhere in the Appalachians. I have been scared of bears, all through the hike. I've been scared we would get lost and never make it back. Few times I have been terrified of falling off, breaking my bones again. But here I am safe with you.I wonder what took me so long to figure out, that the one I ever wanted was always here with me; and that no one can give that loving.No one makes me feel so safe, so much in peace. You have been there with me through every storm, rain. You have relieved me of my pains, and taken the burden of all my problems. You have stayed when I asked you to leave, because you knew I can't do without you. I know you wouldn't leave me, no matter what.Why do you love me so much, I wonder. But even I don't know. Can there be a love, where you can trust someone better than this? I guess not.
I loved holding your hand and hiking up to see that waterfall. I am so fussy about food, and I am glad you put up with it. My whims, my demands, my childishness. I have nothing to fear from you. I look upto you, and someday I want to be wise like you. I want to talk like you, think like you, be like you. But, you love me the way I am, and I can't be more glad.
Tennesse is so pretty. Shame we have to pack up tomorrow and leave. But I enjoyed everyday that we spent together. I loved how the mountains looked in the morning light, in the sunset. I loved the shades of yellow and green. The pines and the deciduous. So pretty! The drive to North Carolina through the FootHills Parkway was amazing. Remember the place we stopped...the view of that valley? Seemed like straight out from Narnia's or Harry Potter's book. And the Fontana Lake...it was beautiful. How I loved the calmness. The sound of the water, the whistling of the winds through the trees, the sunlight peeking in through the branches.And the grilled chicken after the long day's travel was so good. I know you hated Pigeon Forge, but it was colorful! I think we should have better pancakes some other time...than in iHop. Even Knoxville was pretty!
I don't want tomorrow to come. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to let go of you. This world seems so perfect, so beautiful..with you. I ran hopelessly for love here and there, and all I ever needed was with me forever. Yes, life is strange. But if everything was normal, and ordinary...would I have felt the joy in this escape? Now I am tempted to kiss you again, wake you up..and tell you, how much you mean to me.
I am happy. Just that I lack words. Happy to be away from the monotony of the big cities, be it Chicago, New York or Columbus. Happy to be away from the human civilizaton, in the middle of the woods somewhere in the Appalachians. I have been scared of bears, all through the hike. I've been scared we would get lost and never make it back. Few times I have been terrified of falling off, breaking my bones again. But here I am safe with you.I wonder what took me so long to figure out, that the one I ever wanted was always here with me; and that no one can give that loving.No one makes me feel so safe, so much in peace. You have been there with me through every storm, rain. You have relieved me of my pains, and taken the burden of all my problems. You have stayed when I asked you to leave, because you knew I can't do without you. I know you wouldn't leave me, no matter what.Why do you love me so much, I wonder. But even I don't know. Can there be a love, where you can trust someone better than this? I guess not.
I loved holding your hand and hiking up to see that waterfall. I am so fussy about food, and I am glad you put up with it. My whims, my demands, my childishness. I have nothing to fear from you. I look upto you, and someday I want to be wise like you. I want to talk like you, think like you, be like you. But, you love me the way I am, and I can't be more glad.
Tennesse is so pretty. Shame we have to pack up tomorrow and leave. But I enjoyed everyday that we spent together. I loved how the mountains looked in the morning light, in the sunset. I loved the shades of yellow and green. The pines and the deciduous. So pretty! The drive to North Carolina through the FootHills Parkway was amazing. Remember the place we stopped...the view of that valley? Seemed like straight out from Narnia's or Harry Potter's book. And the Fontana Lake...it was beautiful. How I loved the calmness. The sound of the water, the whistling of the winds through the trees, the sunlight peeking in through the branches.And the grilled chicken after the long day's travel was so good. I know you hated Pigeon Forge, but it was colorful! I think we should have better pancakes some other time...than in iHop. Even Knoxville was pretty!
I don't want tomorrow to come. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to let go of you. This world seems so perfect, so beautiful..with you. I ran hopelessly for love here and there, and all I ever needed was with me forever. Yes, life is strange. But if everything was normal, and ordinary...would I have felt the joy in this escape? Now I am tempted to kiss you again, wake you up..and tell you, how much you mean to me.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Music is dead
I was searching for words,
Trying to write a song
The radio is playing all day long
And it doesn't say
Much on my feelings today
Doesn't touch my soul
Doesn't make me whole.
Wonder when, wonder why
Did the music lose it's life?
Can I put the words back, make it like
It was, but the music now is just a lie
The music is dead.
But I'd like to pretend it's not over yet.
I would write down the words
That'll sweep you off your feet
Make you dance to my song
Once again, all night long
The beats of the 90's
The chords of the 80's
Somewhere lost, somewhere gone
Does it still jolts you
When listening to Don Mclean
Or Nirvana or the Floyd
Or MJ,- all those who had the words
The tune, the beat?
Is pop dead, or is it all just country
Or is it just hip-hop talking your fantasy?
What they play today is just so hollow
Where's the music..it's all just borrowed
The music is dead.
But I'd like to pretend it's not over yet.
I would write down the words
That'll sweep you off your feet
Make you dance to my song
Once again, all night long
Trying to write a song
The radio is playing all day long
And it doesn't say
Much on my feelings today
Doesn't touch my soul
Doesn't make me whole.
Wonder when, wonder why
Did the music lose it's life?
Can I put the words back, make it like
It was, but the music now is just a lie
The music is dead.
But I'd like to pretend it's not over yet.
I would write down the words
That'll sweep you off your feet
Make you dance to my song
Once again, all night long
The beats of the 90's
The chords of the 80's
Somewhere lost, somewhere gone
Does it still jolts you
When listening to Don Mclean
Or Nirvana or the Floyd
Or MJ,- all those who had the words
The tune, the beat?
Is pop dead, or is it all just country
Or is it just hip-hop talking your fantasy?
What they play today is just so hollow
Where's the music..it's all just borrowed
The music is dead.
But I'd like to pretend it's not over yet.
I would write down the words
That'll sweep you off your feet
Make you dance to my song
Once again, all night long
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