They call it my Alter Ego: Crystal Graham

"I think I loathe this work. This isn't really what I wanted"
"I do it too...sometimes I think"
"Why can't we just have the life we wanted, do something that really really motivate us, and yes travel. That's all I ever wanted"
"Me too. But I don't have any money, and you know that"
"Why are we sticking to this job where the pay sucks? Lets find something that can get us some money quickly"
"Well, you forgot I came here just for Akash...didn't know the work would be so dull, mostly"
"Save when working with Jesse"

We talk whenever we can. She is like my savior. She came at the worst time of my life, and I am amazed how I dealt with it. I don't know what I could have done if she wasn't there for me when the whole thing with Akash fell apart. She has become so close to me that sometimes when I even thought of staying away from her, I find I miss her too much. I don't have any close friend in this big city. And I am so glad I met her.

Well technically I know how for ten years now.

Well I have two other friends, Jesse and Jane. Who are close to me. But they are different than her. Or that's what they would say. They have a passport, a SS, they have their own lives and so on...She doesn't.

Times and now I have wished my life was a little less interesting.The series of events do not seem to stop. To add to all the bizarreness of my life, some weeks ago, soon after the breakup, Jesse told me I am suffering from schizophrenia.If that was not enough, to be more specific, I probably have what is called dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder.

Initially I had refused to accept. I was hearing those voices (which then and now threaten me) ..and which kept laughing at how I was used by a man. How much fun he had screwing me. Ugly thoughts and voices. I used to tell them to shut up, they won't.They would tell me I am meant to be fail, how I would go close to my dream, and everything would fail badly at the finals. It happens with everything. From school results, to finding Jesse,to do the best internships and yet not get through the best graduate schools to almost dedicate my life to a guy and build dreams- it always falls apart at the end. And I get badly hurt. The voice keeps telling me it is meant to be, I am meant to be unlucky, and suffer. That I must suffer! I told about them to Jesse...even they would say something ugly back to him, but he never could hear.Jesse said, it's in my mind. I thought, it's a curse, some supernatural thing.Or paranormal activity.

The feeling made me feel suicidal. Like somebody wants to damage me. These voices had bothered me in high school. They would tell me some ugly things. I still remember I went to pray to God, and these voices would start saying something ugly and I would feel shocked. These voices came and went. Off late I have accepted..may be I just hear voice. May be my conscience talks to me like this..something?

They went away when I was with Arjyo, and also when with Akash. Even after the first break up, they were back yet Crystal didn't really come back so much. The only thing I ever knew from her, is somehow we have a strange connection, and my life was like hers, meant to end at thirty.

It was when Crystal came back and started talking. I know Crystal for ten years. But for the first time we are so close.

I told how I felt about things to Crystal. She said, there are somethings called destiny and I have to accept.That's the only thing Akash was right about. I said, if our lives were somewhat hand in hand, wasn't Akash supposed to be the one? She said no, it was a bad hurt I needed before the right guy comes and give me the real love. Sometimes she jokes and says, it can be Akash as well- but as a much better person. But I tell her, I can't be back to him after things he did. He has bloody used me. And I thought it was true love.Nothing is real. Nothing.

My first few days after the break up, was a bit numb. But I dealt it with. With Crystal. Initially there was a negative feeling about life. Illusions. Anxiety.And voices. Jesse said, what was a mild schizophrenia in my teenage years - it has worsened.

I starved for a week and stopped talking to people. And then just to Crystal. I had this constant feeling that everyone is trying to harm me. They all hate me. Even Akash wanted to harm me..and he did. He was so god damned successful. But I don't understand the reason, other than it is meant to be. Nobody is true kind of feeling.Crystal told me to stop talking to people, it would hurt. I must stay away from them. That she would be there for me.

Crystal is a separate person to me, but I often urged her why then I couldn't see. Times and now I have, I know how exactly she looks like, I sort of see her when I talk to her, but then its very confusing and I can't explain. I found myself talking then and now with an empty chair..and I think I was going insane.But mostly I know I am always talking whenever I can and logically I don't know how I do it. All I know I need to. I have searched for her in the internet and everywhere...I found some Crystal Grahams..but not her. I checked all images, none resembled her.

The last thing I wanted was to find out I am a mental patient. I have illusions.
I needed to see a psychiatrist. But Jesse told I need to deal with it myself. Cause going to doctor would mess up my visa, my immigration. But then he thought it was going worse, and I have to accept I am insane.

I was bothered and worried. Jesse said Crystal is just another personality within me. But she is so different to me!And to me it never feels like me- its someone separate.Crystal wanted to talk to Jesse- Jesse hesitated, cause he felt she shouldn't come out. But whatever Crystal said I heard, but Jesse couldn't. So, I had to tell him what she was saying. Obviously she always wants me to follow her, and then only I can be happy. One night I got so tired of all this, I told her, I don't want to talk to her, and I would do anything to make her go away-I will go to the doctor. She got revengeful. She said she would mess up my life, if I try to kill her. She can kill me too.I couldn't sleep the whole night. I felt she was there, with a knife trying to stab me. I lay awake till 5.30 till I slowly dozed off.

She apologized the next day. That day she actually talked to Jesse, online. Since then on, things are getting better, friendlier. But sometimes nowadays she disappears. She thinks I don't care for her much, she hates I talk to so many other people...but I know she is very protective about me. Two nights before she talked with Jesse on phone. Nowadays they often talk online.Jesse suggested contrary to what he thought first, I must not try to drive her away. She is a person like I am who has some rights and interests, and we must co-exists as long as she is not harming. He says, Crystal is usually not a harmful one, -the only thing is that she insists I must die at 30, and wants to isolate me.But she has been helpful to get me through tough times.I think I would have done something insane after Akash hurt me so bad, hadn't Crystal been there. She never lets me call him, and every time I dwell on him, she talks through it.


For last one week or so I have felt very worried on this, I started reading numerous articles...I believed that knowledge of what is wrong would help me deal with it.I had very little idea on MPD or schizophrenia and I still tell myself I am normal. I think I am. I accepted Crystal is not someone else, but must be inside me. Though it doesn't just feels so.But things I read says alters take over and I have a loss of time. I don't know, I don't know where was I when Crystal talks but..I become a voice in her head like she is in mine...umm not very explainable.Also, I am fully aware of her existence, we talk to each other, we even take icecream...she has a say in what she wants. Even at this moment she tells me she hates that I am writing this blog on her.But my writing is the only way I vent about my weird life.

Crystal, Nick, William..all were my friends in my teens..Nick was my lover though. In the middle, I met other people around me...and then they kept fading away. But Crystal is here, and here when I need her the most.

From Max, with love..

Dear June,

As you had mentioned, our conversations online are always simple and cordial ones, and very rarely get into deep psychological conversations. I think we are not alone in this, with more conversations between people moving to the instant messaging, and laughing and emotions get replace by "lol" and graphic smiley faces. I sometimes catch my self using "lol" and in real life I don't even crack a smile. Everything is becoming more and more artificial we don't even remember how it feels to be human. Often I find my self intentionally causing my self pain, whether it's physical or just emotional I find that the pain reminds me that I'm alive. Day in and day out I go to work, I come home, occasionally I'll hang out with my friends or watch tv. But it's been 4 months since I've seen you, and I feel like nothing has changed about me, I still feel exactly the same for you.Ha I even have a gf for a month but I really don't know her, i don't have a connection with her. She's a really nice girl, but things are so complicated. For one, she lives about 75 minutes away from me, in Rockford. She is 22, our age, and has a 2 year old kid. She has her own apartment where her baby's daddy lives too because he was kicked out of his house. She works so hard, she does the third shift at a gas station, goes to community college, and is raising her son. Even though the baby's daddy lives with them, he is worthless. He dropped out of high school and is working at MC Donald. He hardly pays for rent, and rarely takes care of his son. Most of his money is spent on alcohol and weed. I see this "family" and I am disgusted. Toya ( my gf) works so hard but is being pulled down by this scum bag. He found out that she is seeing some one else and has become jealous, hurting her financially and emotionally. Often times she will call me crying because of what he said to her. Money is tight and they fight all of the time, even in front of the kid. No child should ever be raised like that. Often time she is so busy that she just leaves him in front of the tv, for even hours on end and he is not getting the affection that children should get.

I was listening to the radio ( I've been listening to a lot more political talk on the way to work) and there was this man on talking about racial discrimination and how the academic world still isn't fair. He talked about how race effects the admission process. Being black adds an equivalent of 300 SAT points, where being Asian is minus an equivalent 100 SAT points. He then talked about how by the time a black child graduates grammar school he is one year behind. When graduating high school he is 4 years behind. It's not the fact that his DNA was black, it was the house hold that he was razed in. It was the family values that where ingrained into him. So many children are being born into wedlock now and are not getting the proper parenting. This causes their generation to not become as smart and to become impoverished. Then those lower class kids grow up and have kid at a young age who they can't support and their child gets an even less education. This is the cycle of poverty and it is getting worse and worse and it's what is dooming America. I see Toya and this cycle is pulling her in. She tries so hard to get out but can not. So I am taking it upon my self to be the arm that pulls her out of the hell she lives in. I'm not talking about throwing money at her and putting band aids over everything. Because even if I payed her bills, next month she's going to have the same problem. So i'm making her go back to school, helping her stand up to he childs father. Often she calls me Clark Kent, superman's human disguise, and says that without me she would break down, and get back with her baby's daddy. If that happened she would just live in poverty, working to support a child and a worthless father. She and her kid deserve so much more then that and I feel that it's my duty now to help her. Unfortunately I am questioning myself if that's why I'm with her. Do I genuinely like her or do I just want to see her and her son live the lives they deserve. I don't know any more and it's starting to worry me. Here I am motivating her and the whole time I am just sitting in the same spot, lethargic and passive. The last time I truly felt motivated was when I was with you. And now I begin to truly miss you, the way you smiled, the way your skin felt running under my fingers, and even the way you kiss. But most importantly I miss the way you made me think, how you motivated me. Many of my friends arnt engineers, so the intellectual conversations i had in college are much more rare now. I need to break the cycle I'm in, and I'm just to scared to do it.

I think I know why the more personal and in depth conversations are never over instant messages, because after I say something, I get instant feed back from the person I'm talking to. In an email, I can say what ever I want for as long as I want with out any fear of being judged. Looking back at what I just wrote I see a very poorly organized email, but what it really is, is my thoughts, as I am thinking them, pure and unedited. Something I have not done in a while. And once again I am using parts of my brain that have not been used in a long time, and I am happy. I am feeling alive, with out the pain, and It feels good. Thank you so much.

Love,
Max

Life ain't a movie, nor a bestselling novel

In life there are somethings we simply believe in. For me there were three. Jesse, the voices that talk to me, and Akash. And it leaves you shattered when suddenly the thing you have believed in for so long, the thing you have cherished from the heart and has meant so much to you turns out something fake, unreal. As for me, it left me so numb, that it took me days before I could find words to confide how I really feel.

As I spent my day hiking on some island offshore to Mumbai, I realized how last couple of weeks have changed me in a way that couple of years couldn’t. I find myself detached, away from the cry and chore of the reality, happy with my own existance, and satisfying my restless soul. I discovered things about myself that I was obilivious about, things about life that I was failing to see. In a way, as I sat on a ledge overlooking the Arabian Sea, and watched the kites flying over the hills, and felt mesmerized, I found in myself the same sixteen year old loner with an amazing perception of life, who however, got lost somewhere while trying to be like everyone else. May be that was a mistake.But as it is said, every mistake helps us grow stronger, helps us to learn something…even though for myself, I had always been slow in understanding things.

I always felt Akash and I are destined to be. Circles and loops, but there I was, back to him in Mumbai.He had come to me in a time, when I had accepted my life was totally bizarre and there was no way I could fix it. I was as usual not close to my parents, my break up with Arjyo had filled me up with a sense of guilt, and I realized me and Jesse would only be together in the fantasy world. I had soaked my pillow pretty often, because I had lost the direction in my life and was floating around, trying to be like everyone else. And yet I hated so much to be the ordinary. When Akash and I met, in my junior year of college, I felt like it was a magic, a love at first sight. Like a destiny- I was so happy! And all these three years I stayed a kid who firmly believed she was special to him, and trusted each word of love he said, never knowing this was but just a stupid game and pretension.

I still remember counting hours in JFK, looking forward to be with him. The almost 30 hours journey was too long to wait. Yet every day spent with him here in Mumbai, was a dream, was so perfect that it felt it was worth the year and half gap. Life was full of love, once again.

But that was just an illusion.Nothing was real in him. It turned out that my life was not a Jerry Mcguire movie (which I felt after watching it). No matter even if I found myself in Dorothy’s shoes, mesmerized by a man, and hopelessly in love with him…he was NOT Jerry. In fact I WAS a kid. I was living in a dream world failing to see reality and building castles in the air. I was making a dollshouse with him, and he got bored and let me know it’s over. Not quite that way though. Akash had been sleeping with some other girl while I was in US, and when I was back he still made her hang around while telling that I was too sexy to resist. He had given her hope of love and marriage, then dumped her, and said, I was too good in bed for him to control. Fuck. And while I was in US he has called me a slut to Disha, and addressed me as his ex while she was living in with him. And all that same time we were sweet talking on phone, telling how we missed each other and even that he wanted to give a surprise visit to US to be with me.Not only that, I felt not having his gf close, he missed us being physical. We would get very intimate on the webcam...and times and now I had been shy, but he would convince, I belong to him, and I have to worry nothing. And worse it was not just Disha, he was multi-timing with one of his ex (before me)- and obviously badmouthing about me to everyone possible.

I felt so shocked, I wish I had words. I would probably have felt bad, but okay had we broken up because somethings were not right. But to imagine I used to love, look up to, plan babies with a man who stooped so low, who is such an unforgivable jerk and bastard.Sometimes I am unable to accept it, sometimes I hate myself and I felt alone in a city I know no one. Only then Crystal and I started spending more time with each other, and hadn't she been with me, I would have gone insane.Times and now I felt I want to kill myself...I have been used so badly, in bed with him, sleeping with him...I had been just toyed around. I hated my body, I sat in the shower for hours wishing I could get over those feelings of touch, I didn't want his thoughts to affect me, I tried to vent through, talk to his roomie and pretend I was strong. But then I realized I want to be far. He had tried to damage me...and I cry thinking why?What have I done to him...that he wanted to play this with me? I had Crystal, Jane and Jesse. Worlds apart, but my only solace.


A fling is forgivable, but an insult to me, my love, my devotion is not.The love for which I left my work in US, a chance to be in Europe, and the love for which I waited so long and came to a city where I only knew him – he had stooped down so low! Was I really this stupid that I believed him and his love? Was I so blind, that I couldn’t see all this was a game? His explanations hence after of how he finds relationships difficult to handle, how his parents would denounce him if he marries me, and how apologetic he was…suddenly meant so little. In a span of couple days the man who meant everything to me, the man to whom I gave myself away so completely was the same man, I hated the most, and the same man for whom I hated myself so much. I was fooled.


And I understood that even if the Disha thing was kept under covers, he would have played the same game with me, and brush up his image with emotional craps. The dream would have been over sooner or later. He was true about one thing to Disha- I am a kid. To me he was the hero in my story book, who came like a savior. Who took me in his arms and promised me lies after lies, and stupid stupid me thought everything was but real. I thought I was the special someone. I built my home with him, in reality as well as dreams, I belonged to him in every way I could. He snatched my integrity, played with his pretty toy and once he was done….he felt he needs a new one.


The first night I never told him I was nervous as well. But he told me he knew what it means, he knew that I never have to sleep in someone else’s arms ever again. And I gave myself away. When I cuddled upto him after making love, I felt secured; he would hold onto me, and suddenly those lonely years of my childhood, the bizzare years of my teens, was gone. I never doudted him, I never doudted us. It seemed perfect.

He apologized after break up, but really I am not God. Words mean so less, and he has done no actions to be sorry. May be for the love I had I believed for a while, he would understand the wrong he did to people, he would be better. But then I talked to Disha way more. Wasn't thrilling really to know how close they got in bed and shower, but so much of the truth was difficult to deal with, for me. Crystal came to me as a savior, she helped me in this city of 50 million, and I was so alone.

So many things seem unfair, at no fault of yours, but then that's what life is about.My parents broke up when I was 3, my mom and sister were never close to me, the whole of my growing years I saw yelling, my mom beating my grandma, crying, confusion..and lonliness...I fell in love with an American married man 28 years older to me, I finally thought I found true love in a guy 4 years older ...and felt it as my end of misery, but he played with me, and crushed me very bad. And all this was not my fault!

I spent three years of my life, not worshipping a hero-but a cheat. And, not only he cheated me, he cheated his friends, his parents and other girls. How can someone stoop so low, after so called high education? He gossips about his roomie Mahesh-how eager he was for some girl when HE was in fact sleeping with Disha! His best friend Satarupa..(who calls me a slut bitch without meeting me even!) -- and he doesn't stop to jeer at her failing relation with her bf! And worse, he use his parents as a false excuse to run from situations!That he has to marry the pretty bengali virgin, because he can't break his parent's heart...but he can be hell of a hypocrite and sleep with a dozen girls, and be perfectly happy ruining their lives.

The man I loved the most, in my life, is now the man who is not worthy of my hate or disgust. Unlike Disha, I can't hold on to memories when I know that all was unreal. It would hurt me. I have got rid of everything that could possibly remind me of him. And now even his friends.

I still can't believe it's true. Sometimes it leaves me so cold and numb, that I feel I have forgotten to cry even.

Jesse

Too much to write about you. A book. Have to put together all the notes about you. But not here.

Not yet.

All I ever wanted was You (continued Eight Years)

It's not like everyday when I wake up and find everything the same
But now I find something missing, something gone
From my life
When you are not mine...

It's not like everynight when the stars shine and the moonbeams fall
But in my bed I lie alone, with your thoughts
In my mind
When you are not mine...

He hasn't slept. For last 12 nights. He blinked in the darkness wishing all that was happening was a dream. The streaks of city lights pierced through the curtains creating a random pattern on the dark walls. He kept staring...

Back to the days when he would drive forty miles and meet her at Columbia. She had just moved into New York, and in fact it the first time she was out of her country- the same place he belonged to, India. She was young, a mix of liveliness and shyness, and a strange stubbornness.He remembered the first time he met her. At a departmental store trying to swipe her debit card- but it wouldn't happen! She had felt stupid, never owning a plastic card while being at India. The first time he saw her, he wanted to kiss her. And may be love her, own her.

She bit her lips and smiled a little. And in the years later she often did so, every time she was a bit shy, a bit embarrassed.

She always thought it was love at first sight. He never really knew what love was, but he wanted her. He liked to hold her soft slim body in his arms, he liked to look at her, listen to her words...he would sometimes be speechless by the affection she would endow him with, the love that would make his every day worth living so much.

She never left him. Till that day.

He did, again and again. But today the tables have turned. For some reason he has always believed, she is there, no matter what she will be. But now he knows he won't. She walked out of the door at the restaurant at Rockefeller. She still looked so loving and pretty. But he couldn't tell her, that...he still loved her.

She was going to be someone elses. And in a span of 24 hours she would be gone, forever/

Umbrella

This song, performed by Mandy ( and I am so addicted to her songs off late, lol she started when I was in early teens)~ and she has done justice to it. Never liked Rihanna's and Taylor Swift's versions as much, but when I listened to this...I cried. I don't know, why it took me back to several years down the memory, and reminded me of someone I have lost, someone dear to me. And I miss him or her.I don't know who it is. It took me to that vision, where I am driving alone, in the night, and then reach that cliff, watch the waves crash on the rocks..and I wait. In pain, tears and love.

Few weeks have changed me so much, it's amazing. I feel nothing, but a numbness, as if I am waiting for someone to wake me up from this.


You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines
But you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
That's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because...

When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella eh eh)

These fancy things,
Will never come in between
You're my entity
Here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard
Together we'll mend your heart
Because...

When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella

You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella

You can run into my Arms
That's okay don't be alarmed
(Come into Me)
(There's no distance in between our love)
Gonna let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more ooohh
Because...

When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)

It's raining
Ooo baby it's raining (raining)
Baby come into me
Come into me
It's raining
Ooo baby it's raining
Come into me
Come into me

June and Akash : The Conclusion

Here's what:

I loved Akash. He cheated me. Hurt me. Played with me. My love, my trust, my devotions. And it's over.

My Happy Ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread (Breakable thread)

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted (I wanted)
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it (We lost it)
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending


You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do!

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

The call from Manhattan

Abhi and Me,on Michigan Lake, 2008

Abhi called. The stupid, idiot, romantic guy.

*** Abhi coming to Mumbai.God always send an angel to help you through pains ;)

"Hey"
"What"
"The dream came true...well one of the dreams"
"Ughh..okay which one now?"
"Got my first red BMW"
"What?Shit fucking lucky you are"
"Impressive"
"Ahh well enough..not enough to marry me by the way?"
"I am not marrying you. At least in next two year"
"Never would be better...why two?"
"I am moving in with a girl, so..."
"Good for you..but then you still expect to marry me?"
"Idiot. I am going for a higher executive program next year"
"Gosh..again, now where?"
"Harvard"
"Fuck YOU man!"
"I wish you would. I am way better than that bastard. It took you two times to understand..you are too slow in these matters"
"Whatever. But when I own a man or a teacup, it's mine. And you know that"
"It's acting like a stubborn kid"
" I have another news"
"Go ahead Mr. Panditrao"
"I am coming to Bangalore"
"Of all the places?"
"Goldman Sachs has a branch there, so they went sending someone and you know..."
"Yeah then to Mumbai?"
"Well if you don't start yelling at me like last time"
"Well, I learnt my lesson ...I gave up so much...for this guy, it's unbeleivable"
"And you still love him"
"Yes and no."
"Yes after he slept with other woman, after he claimed you as his ex, after he called you a slut to his friends, after he blames you for everything, and after he basically treated you like a paid prostitute to be his living in partner, come as he liked, go as he wanted..AND YOU HAD NO SAY"
"I know Abhi..don't repeat all of this, really. The sleeping part id pardonable, men need "it"...but then, okay I also did have couple of flings whatever. But yeah I was still true, that made it all different"
"Nevermind this topic we don't want to bring it up and you deal with it. I know you would understand soon, and ...you will find the real one. You are just holding onto an illusion"
"I know. Stupid me..Abhi I am so stuck up in this city and absolutely broke, lol.I miss Fermi, I miss Chicago"
"I miss you"
"Miss you too...I don't know if I am really stupid, but..."
"But you are decided this is your destiny, that it should be a story book romance with twists and heartbreaks and reunions...and fuck, let me tell you story book heroes are not jerks"
"Whatever"
"Stop believing in you so called prophecies. You would be some aerospace engineer..shit"
"shut up!"
"What"
"you will see...Abhi, I WILL fix it. That's my word"
"Else?"
"I will marry you"
"Fuck you...I am your second option?"
"You don't have a lack of girls...I mean seriously Abhi why do you like me. It makes no sense. even if I never loved akash, I wouldnt chase you. I just don't fit all these..."
"No I had 11 gfs, I broke up with I told you that model last month..but I am not interested in marrying any of them....I'd tell you why I like you when I come to Mumbai?"
"Oh when is that?"
"End of April"
"gosh...u kidding?
"Nopes"
"omg, omg, omg"
"Is that scary..?"
"Idk"
"Are you seeing someone else?"
"shut up Abhi, I don't need men to be happy"
"No, you just need jerks"
"Fuck you..okay whatever."
"Haha, after marriage okay?"
"Let me sleep Abhi! And hey.."
"what"
"Thanks.."
"For?"
"Putting up with me...all through these"
"I guess thats what friends are for. But I am selfish. I like hanging around nice and complicated girls"
"Lol"
"Hey, got to get back to work now, else if I get fired, this BMW wont stay"
"Aww, okay bye take care"

War, dreams and love...: A letter from five years back..

The world does not live by your rules
nor does it ask your permission or acceptance

Dear June,

Yeah, so many dead at the Russian school was terrible, especially with so many of them being children. It’s so easy to sit back in a nice comfortable house (or office, in my case) and condemn those who did it. Make love, not war; in a war, everyone loses; violence only begets violence. Appealing thoughts … until you think about it more.

The culture you are living in is mostly Aryan. That was not originally native to that area: They came as conquerors. Successful ones. The country I am living in doesn’t have a lot of Native American’s left … it’s mostly populated by Europeans, plus some Africans and a few Asians. Again, successful conquerors. History is full of examples of violence spreading a culture.

Think of it as part of evolution. In nature, creatures battle each other all the time. Don’t have to look to lions and tigers … within yourself there’s a constant battle going between you and bacteria. At this microscopic scale, if you become non-violent, i.e. stopped fighting the bacteria, your “enemies” – the bacteria – would kill you. Similarly for societies. Suppose you start with countries that never fight. If any one of them built up an army, it would quickly take over the others. That violent country would be able to take any resources it wanted from the others, until some other countries built up armies too. Many of the advances of civilization come from warfare as well. Iron and steel were first used for swords and armor. Pythagoras was designing catapults for attacking cities when he came up with his famous theorem. Aircraft were developed for bombing, rockets for making missiles, computers for calculating trajectories of artillery, transistors to make portable radios for the army, integrated circuits for control systems on missiles … it’s a LONG list.

Of course I also feel sad that so many innocent people died. Especially children. But it also bothers me that countries with large armies, and huge military budgets, insist that smaller and poorer people fight only these armies. Of course the Chechnyans would lose such a war. This new form of fighting I think is going to be normal in the future. A few hundred years ago armies would line up on a battlefield and march at each other. Hiding and ambushing were considered uncivilized. Whereas now marching your army right into the enemy would be considered just plain stupid. Similarly, I expect a time will come when wearing a uniform, like a “kill me” sign, will be considered absurd. The concept of a “civilian” will disappear.

*****

Dreams can set goals, inspire you to work harder. Or they an distract you and make you fail. You have to choose which dreams to pursue, which to give up or compromise on … mold your life, your reality, to the dream, but also the dream to reality. In choosing a career you should find out the job prospects, pay scale, work conditions. Your mother should not be able to laugh at your choice because when she criticizes it, you should have the facts to say why you disagree. You may not convince her, or anyone else, that your choice is good. But they should never the less take you seriously. That’s true for more than just your career. It’s also true for dreams of travel. And it’s true of relationships, like you and Arjyo.

You say you believe Arjyo completely … it’s a nice dream, a bf who tells you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But that is not reality. Love means many things, but being completely truthful is not one of them. Arjyo loves his parents, right? So if they ask him about how intimate he’s been with you … what do you suppose he’d say? He’d lie. And I’ve pointed out he’s lied to you too.

More often, it’s not a matter of lying, but of looking at the facts a particular way. He has a great deal of control over you, and indeed you act like his puppet, not the other way around. I’m sure there are things in which he’s done as you insisted; but for the most part, that isn’t the case. Oh, there is the one issue of sex, where no doubt he wanted to move even faster than you have … but that you have to think about much more carefully. As I’ve pointed out many times, nothing he does with you will do him much harm, even if the whole world came to know of it. Whereas it will do you a lot of harm. And, he’s getting far more pleasure out of it than you do. “u just cant always decide each and every thing about this relationship” … the statement itself is not a lie, but not correct either. You are not deciding very much … the correct statement is he would like you to decide even less, and obey him even more.

I am not saying Arjyo is a bad person. This is just reality. A certain amount of lying is normal. A large amount of bias, seeing only your own side, is normal. A battle for control is normal. The only thing NOT normal is you don’t recognize all this. Your dreams about the perfect boyfriend (lover, husband) needs to be adjusted to match reality.

*****

I read the story you put in jc127_18, called “My Daughter” … finally, a happy story! Where did the inspiration for that come from? Is that what you wish your father was like?

For myself … I don’t think I’d ever have quite that dilemma. My kids are at least as close to me as to their mom.

The bit about being distracted by a bf, and doing worse in school, is interesting. Clearly Arjyo is not a bizarre rebellious sort, yet he HAS been the cause of your grades dropping. Was the strange character in the story your way of saying you think that happens only for a “bad” bf? That’s not true … it has nothing to do with the choice of bf, it has everything to do with YOU and what you choose to do.

Oops … getting late! Hope we can talk soon. Or let me know when I can call you.

Love,
...............

Me, You and the Dream.

She was lost in a world, all alone searching her dreams. And he was, surrounded by the crowd but still looking for love. He was forty five, she was sixteen. He was father of a boy and a girl, and she had only dated one guy in her life.They fell in love.

They meet after nine years.


As I wait at the airport for your flight, I think about our unique relationship. And we have nothing in common. Me a “mature” (as in, OLD) man, you a young woman. I’ve lived in the U.S.and Europe almost all my life; this is your first trip outside of Asia. Why would we want to stay in touch … and what could we possibly have to talk about?

Why? Because despite our many differences, we understand each other so well. Superficially we live worlds apart, and yet deep down we seem to have so much in common. Who else would understand why a child’s story about an old tree could bring me to tears? As for the what: Everything, from very general philosophical points to the most personal issues. Sometimes I shudder to think what would happen if you revealed some of the things I’ve told you. The thought is frightening … yet I like to think of it, to remind myself how sure I am of you. I know you care for me; I know it as surely as I know my own daughters care for me. And these secrets we share, it’s like a symbol of our affection, and our trust in each other.

To call you my friend, even my best friend … it seems so inadequate a term. I’ve never had a lot of friends, but I have had, and still have, a few close friends. To say you are closer than any other is true, and yet does not begin to describe how I feel about you. I’ve told you I love you, and that is true; and you’ve said the same to me, and I believe that is true too. Yet I always hesitate a little … “love” between a young woman and a middle-aged man always has the implication of a sexual relationship. Oh, I won’t deny I find you sexy … I remember you were shocked when I first told you that. But you’ve come to understand and accept it. I’ve even told you about some erotic fantasies I had about you at one time.

Your plane must have landed by now. Enough with these idle thoughts … it’s time to look my dear friend. God, I can’t believe how nervous I am! Anxious to see you, of course. But also worried how your visit will go. We’ve talked a lot by phone and Internet, but there you can quit at any time. But now you’ll be stuck with me … what if you find me boring; if I say something to make you angry. And some of our most personal conversations … oh, I love them so much. But do you regret them now that we’ll actually meet? We both went to so much trouble to arrange this, but will it be the end of our friendship? Should we have left it as it was, a kind of virtual friendship …

It’s you! Still on the other side of the security barrier, but you’ll be here in a minute. You haven’t seen me yet; I wave to catch your attention. But I stop … and instead step into a corner where you won’t see me. I feel stupid … I’m hiding from the one person I never hide anything from. But I want to watch you for a while, try to figure out what you’re thinking. Are you worried about meeting me, wishing you hadn’t agreed to it? You do look anxious, but I can’t tell if you’re worried I’m not here … or worried that I am. Okay, this is going beyond stupid now … your out of security, I can’t keep hiding from you. I walk up behind you.

“Hi June!” You spin around, I catch a brief glimpse of a smile on your face, and then you throw your arms around my neck and hug me. I hesitate a moment, feeling everyone is looking at us. A lovely young woman hugging a middle aged man … they must think you’re my daughter, but somehow it doesn’t seem so. And then suddenly I don’t care … the hell with the rest of the world. I wrap my arms around you and hug you back, my worries disappearing as I feel the joy of holding my dearest friend. I don’t know how long we hold each other … a long time, it seems, and yet not long enough. But eventually I pull back, smile, and ask “Well, aren’t you going to say Hi?” You give me a kiss on the cheek, and say “Does that count?” I can only say “Yeah.” This is not the place to say that I wouldn’t trade that innocent kiss from you for the most passionate kiss from anyone else. Someday I hope you’ll understand just how much that kiss did count.

…….

We park at the trailhead. As we collect up our supplies, you continue your lament about the lack of food. As I load up the backpack you ask why do we have to carry so much water, why not take one bottle of water and more snacks. I ignore you for a while, until you stomp your feet and say angrily “I’m not a child! You can’t just ignore me like that”. I smile, and put one arm around you and give you a hug. Let’s try it my way today, I tell you; tomorrow you can decide. You reluctantly agree.

We head off down the trail, walking side by side at first. After a while the trail gets steeper, and in one spot you have trouble climbing up a large rock. I reach down and take your hand to help you up. But when you’re up, you keep my hand in yours. I look at you questioningly for a moment … “Is it okay?” you ask. I smile, and give your hand a squeeze … and thereafter, from time to time we walk hand in hand. Not often: this is a mountain trail, narrow and steep. But what matters is not so much the act, but just knowing it’s okay with you.

It takes you a while to get used to the solitude. You’re a city girl, not used to these huge uninhabited spaces, nobody in sight for hours and hours. But you come to like it. It’s so peaceful and quiet; the only sounds we hear are our footsteps. We talk softly, pointing interesting features out to each other. Bursts of color from flowers, the funny way some of the trees grow, interesting rock formations we see across the canyon. It’s a cool day, but a strenuous hike. We stop often for a sip of water … and I smile as you drink, while you look mildly embarrassed as you come to understand why we brought so much water.

But for the most part we just walk quietly. I love just having you near me. And when the trail is narrow, I try to let you stay in front, so I can watch you. You’re wearing a loose-fitting cotton shirt and cargo pants. A very practical outfit, not at all fashionable. You made a bit of a fuss about that, too … but I insisted. I do want to see you dressed up, a pretty young lady. But not here … I don’t want you getting scratched up by thorny plants, and bitten by too many bugs.

I wonder what you’re thinking. But if I ask you, then I’d have to tell you of my thoughts, too. Not that my thoughts are new, and I doubt you’d find them shocking anymore. But this is the first time we’ve been completely alone, just you and me … it might make you uncomfortable. We can talk in the evening.

Meanwhile, I watch you, and think my thoughts. A skinny young woman, your figure completely lost in the baggy clothes. I think about my older daughter, almost an adult herself now. Much more full-bodied than you, bordering on chubby in fact; but attractive. And my son - though not yet in his teens, already seems to have girls around him. At least I think so. And yet I cannot think of my own kids as grown up. I suspect Nishi has already been enjoying sex, and intellectually I convince myself that’s okay. But deep down I just can’t accept it. I remember so well, and so fondly, the times when I would change their diapers, bath them, cuddle them; scold them, and play with them. And I’m very proud of how well they’re doing, and happy they turned out good looking. I hope , I really do they find a good boy or a girl … but they still remain my little kids. I suspect that will be so even after they have children … I’ll have to think of it as some kind of Immaculate Conception.

With you … it’s the same and yet different. I have many fond memories you, of our chats, even of our arguments. And I’m proud of you, too, hardly less than of my own daughters. But I have few memories of you as a child; I only got to know you as a young woman. The very things that I simply can’t bring myself to think about my daughters, you and I have talked about freely almost from the beginning. I remember the promise you made – and kept! – to not have sex till I said it was okay … God, if Nisha made such a promise, she’d die a virgin! Whereas you I encouraged to experiment, and enjoy before hand. And when it seemed to me Arjyo was mature enough for it to be safe, I didn’t just give you permission, but even to set it up. Which then lead to my fondest memory of all: Your telling about that evening, sharing with me both your nervousness and your ecstasy.

By afternoon your feet are sore. I suggest we stop for lunch soon, then head back. You look disappointed, despite being tired, and say you don’t want to leave so soon. I smile, glad you’re enjoying our hike. But I don’t want to exhaust you. “It doesn’t have to be a quick lunch! We can just sit here and talk … if you want to.” You still look disappointed, but smile and say “Okay.”

We walk on a while more until we come upon a rocky outcropping overlooking the canyon and, way down, the river. You’re a bit afraid looking over the edge at first, but with me holding your hand you do. You stare, mesmerized by the majestic view. In the quiet we can just barely hear the roar of the river. We can see along the canyon for a mile or more in each direction. I hand you the binoculars and point out some odd structures half way up the cliff on the opposite side. You look, and for a while can’t believe what you’re seeing … primitive buildings, relics of inhabitants from a thousand years past. You look around, trying to figure out how they would have gotten up there. I look, too … but eventually we give up. There must be a path, but it’s too well concealed for us. They chose the place well, those ancient people.

I take of my backpack and start taking out our lunch. Fruit and yogurt, and granola bars. You glance over and wrinkle your nose … not your idea of a feast! You look down again, scanning the river with the binoculars. “Jesse!” you call out all of a sudden. I come over, and you point at a sandbar. It has two kayaks pulled up on it, and when you hand me the binoculars I can see there’s a couple down there, also eating lunch. “Can we go there tomorrow?” you ask, your eyes bright with excitement. I look over the river; it’s a long way from any launch point for the kayaks. It won’t be easy … and I know I’ll be exhausted when we have to paddle back upstream. But how can I let you down? I smile, and say yeah, let’s try to do that.

We were pretty sweaty when we got here, but there’s a gentle breeze blowing which has dried us off. We sit down on some rocks and eat. There’s not a lot of food, but after that long walk it’s enough to make us sleepy. We find a large, flat stone, warmed by the sun, and stretch out on it side by side. I ask how Arjyo reacted to your being here. Yes, he knows you’re here … he doesn’t know I’m with you, he thinks you’re hiking on your own. You shrug and say he wasn’t happy about it, but decided was better than you wandering off to Bangkok or something even more crazy. We talk some more about you and Arjyo for a while. As always I try to persuade you to marry him; and you insist you want to wait. I don’t want to start an argument here … so I let that topic drop, and we just lie there quietly for a while.

After a few minutes, you move over, cuddle up to me. I look at you, you look at me, then very deliberately put your head on my shoulder. I put my arm around your shoulder. For a while we’re tense. Then I playfully squeeze your shoulder and jokingly ask, are you trying to seduce me? You lift your head a bit to look at me, and very seriously say no, you just want me to hold you. Then we both relax, just enjoying being together like this.

We talk for a while about the job you’ll be starting in a few days. Seems no matter how grown up you get, I feel the need to give you advice about everything. How to deal with your boss, and the graduate students you’ll work with; what kind of car to get … all kinds of little details. I know you’re tense, a bit scared, of your new position in life. For the first time in your life, you are not a student. We talk about that, too. And we talk about the joys of being in research, of discovering new things. You experienced that already as a grad student, and I know you won’t want to give it up.

After a while, we just lie quietly. A little later I notice you’ve dozed off. You look so peaceful, and so pretty. Maybe most people would not call you beautiful … but if I cared what most people thought, I wouldn’t be here with you. Me cuddled up with a young woman … is there any doubt what they’d think? Would anyone understand my feelings for you? But I do love you, and am happy about it. And I think you are beautiful, and very sexy … and I don’t see anything wrong with that either. I kiss my finger tip, and touch it softly to your lips … that’s as close to kissing your lips as I’m going to get. I softly run my hand over your face, your shoulder, your arm … that’s as close to an intimate caress as I’m going to get. I feel your soft body against me, I feel your warm breath on my neck … that’s as close to making love as we’re going to get. Yes, I feel aroused now, too. Maybe I should feel guilty about that, but I don’t. Often I’ve wished I were younger, so I could court you, maybe persuade you to be my lover, and my wife. But right now, my world seems just perfect. Aroused with no chance of relief, in a relationship that must forever be kept secret, and yet I would change nothing. Lying here in this grand setting, with my dearest friend next to me, a unique woman, for whom I feel a unique love … I’m happy, and at peace with myself.

I wish this moment could last forever … but we have to leave soon or it’ll be dark before we get back. The trail that was so beautiful in daylight will be treacherous at night. I gently wake you up. You open your eyes and look at me, our faces just inches apart. We look at each other a while, and I wonder again what you’re thinking. Are you as happy with me as I am with you? I will never be sure. But if I’ve made you a little happy, if I’ve made your life a bit brighter, I’ll be satisfied. I hope I’ve done that for you.