Dear June,
As you had mentioned, our conversations online are always simple and cordial ones, and very rarely get into deep psychological conversations. I think we are not alone in this, with more conversations between people moving to the instant messaging, and laughing and emotions get replace by "lol" and graphic smiley faces. I sometimes catch my self using "lol" and in real life I don't even crack a smile. Everything is becoming more and more artificial we don't even remember how it feels to be human. Often I find my self intentionally causing my self pain, whether it's physical or just emotional I find that the pain reminds me that I'm alive. Day in and day out I go to work, I come home, occasionally I'll hang out with my friends or watch tv. But it's been 4 months since I've seen you, and I feel like nothing has changed about me, I still feel exactly the same for you.Ha I even have a gf for a month but I really don't know her, i don't have a connection with her. She's a really nice girl, but things are so complicated. For one, she lives about 75 minutes away from me, in Rockford. She is 22, our age, and has a 2 year old kid. She has her own apartment where her baby's daddy lives too because he was kicked out of his house. She works so hard, she does the third shift at a gas station, goes to community college, and is raising her son. Even though the baby's daddy lives with them, he is worthless. He dropped out of high school and is working at MC Donald. He hardly pays for rent, and rarely takes care of his son. Most of his money is spent on alcohol and weed. I see this "family" and I am disgusted. Toya ( my gf) works so hard but is being pulled down by this scum bag. He found out that she is seeing some one else and has become jealous, hurting her financially and emotionally. Often times she will call me crying because of what he said to her. Money is tight and they fight all of the time, even in front of the kid. No child should ever be raised like that. Often time she is so busy that she just leaves him in front of the tv, for even hours on end and he is not getting the affection that children should get.
I was listening to the radio ( I've been listening to a lot more political talk on the way to work) and there was this man on talking about racial discrimination and how the academic world still isn't fair. He talked about how race effects the admission process. Being black adds an equivalent of 300 SAT points, where being Asian is minus an equivalent 100 SAT points. He then talked about how by the time a black child graduates grammar school he is one year behind. When graduating high school he is 4 years behind. It's not the fact that his DNA was black, it was the house hold that he was razed in. It was the family values that where ingrained into him. So many children are being born into wedlock now and are not getting the proper parenting. This causes their generation to not become as smart and to become impoverished. Then those lower class kids grow up and have kid at a young age who they can't support and their child gets an even less education. This is the cycle of poverty and it is getting worse and worse and it's what is dooming America. I see Toya and this cycle is pulling her in. She tries so hard to get out but can not. So I am taking it upon my self to be the arm that pulls her out of the hell she lives in. I'm not talking about throwing money at her and putting band aids over everything. Because even if I payed her bills, next month she's going to have the same problem. So i'm making her go back to school, helping her stand up to he childs father. Often she calls me Clark Kent, superman's human disguise, and says that without me she would break down, and get back with her baby's daddy. If that happened she would just live in poverty, working to support a child and a worthless father. She and her kid deserve so much more then that and I feel that it's my duty now to help her. Unfortunately I am questioning myself if that's why I'm with her. Do I genuinely like her or do I just want to see her and her son live the lives they deserve. I don't know any more and it's starting to worry me. Here I am motivating her and the whole time I am just sitting in the same spot, lethargic and passive. The last time I truly felt motivated was when I was with you. And now I begin to truly miss you, the way you smiled, the way your skin felt running under my fingers, and even the way you kiss. But most importantly I miss the way you made me think, how you motivated me. Many of my friends arnt engineers, so the intellectual conversations i had in college are much more rare now. I need to break the cycle I'm in, and I'm just to scared to do it.
I think I know why the more personal and in depth conversations are never over instant messages, because after I say something, I get instant feed back from the person I'm talking to. In an email, I can say what ever I want for as long as I want with out any fear of being judged. Looking back at what I just wrote I see a very poorly organized email, but what it really is, is my thoughts, as I am thinking them, pure and unedited. Something I have not done in a while. And once again I am using parts of my brain that have not been used in a long time, and I am happy. I am feeling alive, with out the pain, and It feels good. Thank you so much.
Love,
Max
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