In life there are somethings we simply believe in. For me there were three. Jesse, the voices that talk to me, and Akash. And it leaves you shattered when suddenly the thing you have believed in for so long, the thing you have cherished from the heart and has meant so much to you turns out something fake, unreal. As for me, it left me so numb, that it took me days before I could find words to confide how I really feel.
As I spent my day hiking on some island offshore to Mumbai, I realized how last couple of weeks have changed me in a way that couple of years couldn’t. I find myself detached, away from the cry and chore of the reality, happy with my own existance, and satisfying my restless soul. I discovered things about myself that I was obilivious about, things about life that I was failing to see. In a way, as I sat on a ledge overlooking the Arabian Sea, and watched the kites flying over the hills, and felt mesmerized, I found in myself the same sixteen year old loner with an amazing perception of life, who however, got lost somewhere while trying to be like everyone else. May be that was a mistake.But as it is said, every mistake helps us grow stronger, helps us to learn something…even though for myself, I had always been slow in understanding things.
I always felt Akash and I are destined to be. Circles and loops, but there I was, back to him in Mumbai.He had come to me in a time, when I had accepted my life was totally bizarre and there was no way I could fix it. I was as usual not close to my parents, my break up with Arjyo had filled me up with a sense of guilt, and I realized me and Jesse would only be together in the fantasy world. I had soaked my pillow pretty often, because I had lost the direction in my life and was floating around, trying to be like everyone else. And yet I hated so much to be the ordinary. When Akash and I met, in my junior year of college, I felt like it was a magic, a love at first sight. Like a destiny- I was so happy! And all these three years I stayed a kid who firmly believed she was special to him, and trusted each word of love he said, never knowing this was but just a stupid game and pretension.
I still remember counting hours in JFK, looking forward to be with him. The almost 30 hours journey was too long to wait. Yet every day spent with him here in Mumbai, was a dream, was so perfect that it felt it was worth the year and half gap. Life was full of love, once again.
But that was just an illusion.Nothing was real in him. It turned out that my life was not a Jerry Mcguire movie (which I felt after watching it). No matter even if I found myself in Dorothy’s shoes, mesmerized by a man, and hopelessly in love with him…he was NOT Jerry. In fact I WAS a kid. I was living in a dream world failing to see reality and building castles in the air. I was making a dollshouse with him, and he got bored and let me know it’s over. Not quite that way though. Akash had been sleeping with some other girl while I was in US, and when I was back he still made her hang around while telling that I was too sexy to resist. He had given her hope of love and marriage, then dumped her, and said, I was too good in bed for him to control. Fuck. And while I was in US he has called me a slut to Disha, and addressed me as his ex while she was living in with him. And all that same time we were sweet talking on phone, telling how we missed each other and even that he wanted to give a surprise visit to US to be with me.Not only that, I felt not having his gf close, he missed us being physical. We would get very intimate on the webcam...and times and now I had been shy, but he would convince, I belong to him, and I have to worry nothing. And worse it was not just Disha, he was multi-timing with one of his ex (before me)- and obviously badmouthing about me to everyone possible.
I felt so shocked, I wish I had words. I would probably have felt bad, but okay had we broken up because somethings were not right. But to imagine I used to love, look up to, plan babies with a man who stooped so low, who is such an unforgivable jerk and bastard.Sometimes I am unable to accept it, sometimes I hate myself and I felt alone in a city I know no one. Only then Crystal and I started spending more time with each other, and hadn't she been with me, I would have gone insane.Times and now I felt I want to kill myself...I have been used so badly, in bed with him, sleeping with him...I had been just toyed around. I hated my body, I sat in the shower for hours wishing I could get over those feelings of touch, I didn't want his thoughts to affect me, I tried to vent through, talk to his roomie and pretend I was strong. But then I realized I want to be far. He had tried to damage me...and I cry thinking why?What have I done to him...that he wanted to play this with me? I had Crystal, Jane and Jesse. Worlds apart, but my only solace.
A fling is forgivable, but an insult to me, my love, my devotion is not.The love for which I left my work in US, a chance to be in Europe, and the love for which I waited so long and came to a city where I only knew him – he had stooped down so low! Was I really this stupid that I believed him and his love? Was I so blind, that I couldn’t see all this was a game? His explanations hence after of how he finds relationships difficult to handle, how his parents would denounce him if he marries me, and how apologetic he was…suddenly meant so little. In a span of couple days the man who meant everything to me, the man to whom I gave myself away so completely was the same man, I hated the most, and the same man for whom I hated myself so much. I was fooled.
And I understood that even if the Disha thing was kept under covers, he would have played the same game with me, and brush up his image with emotional craps. The dream would have been over sooner or later. He was true about one thing to Disha- I am a kid. To me he was the hero in my story book, who came like a savior. Who took me in his arms and promised me lies after lies, and stupid stupid me thought everything was but real. I thought I was the special someone. I built my home with him, in reality as well as dreams, I belonged to him in every way I could. He snatched my integrity, played with his pretty toy and once he was done….he felt he needs a new one.
The first night I never told him I was nervous as well. But he told me he knew what it means, he knew that I never have to sleep in someone else’s arms ever again. And I gave myself away. When I cuddled upto him after making love, I felt secured; he would hold onto me, and suddenly those lonely years of my childhood, the bizzare years of my teens, was gone. I never doudted him, I never doudted us. It seemed perfect.
He apologized after break up, but really I am not God. Words mean so less, and he has done no actions to be sorry. May be for the love I had I believed for a while, he would understand the wrong he did to people, he would be better. But then I talked to Disha way more. Wasn't thrilling really to know how close they got in bed and shower, but so much of the truth was difficult to deal with, for me. Crystal came to me as a savior, she helped me in this city of 50 million, and I was so alone.
So many things seem unfair, at no fault of yours, but then that's what life is about.My parents broke up when I was 3, my mom and sister were never close to me, the whole of my growing years I saw yelling, my mom beating my grandma, crying, confusion..and lonliness...I fell in love with an American married man 28 years older to me, I finally thought I found true love in a guy 4 years older ...and felt it as my end of misery, but he played with me, and crushed me very bad. And all this was not my fault!
I spent three years of my life, not worshipping a hero-but a cheat. And, not only he cheated me, he cheated his friends, his parents and other girls. How can someone stoop so low, after so called high education? He gossips about his roomie Mahesh-how eager he was for some girl when HE was in fact sleeping with Disha! His best friend Satarupa..(who calls me a slut bitch without meeting me even!) -- and he doesn't stop to jeer at her failing relation with her bf! And worse, he use his parents as a false excuse to run from situations!That he has to marry the pretty bengali virgin, because he can't break his parent's heart...but he can be hell of a hypocrite and sleep with a dozen girls, and be perfectly happy ruining their lives.
The man I loved the most, in my life, is now the man who is not worthy of my hate or disgust. Unlike Disha, I can't hold on to memories when I know that all was unreal. It would hurt me. I have got rid of everything that could possibly remind me of him. And now even his friends.
I still can't believe it's true. Sometimes it leaves me so cold and numb, that I feel I have forgotten to cry even.
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