"I think I loathe this work. This isn't really what I wanted"
"I do it too...sometimes I think"
"Why can't we just have the life we wanted, do something that really really motivate us, and yes travel. That's all I ever wanted"
"Me too. But I don't have any money, and you know that"
"Why are we sticking to this job where the pay sucks? Lets find something that can get us some money quickly"
"Well, you forgot I came here just for Akash...didn't know the work would be so dull, mostly"
"Save when working with Jesse"
We talk whenever we can. She is like my savior. She came at the worst time of my life, and I am amazed how I dealt with it. I don't know what I could have done if she wasn't there for me when the whole thing with Akash fell apart. She has become so close to me that sometimes when I even thought of staying away from her, I find I miss her too much. I don't have any close friend in this big city. And I am so glad I met her.
Well technically I know how for ten years now.
Well I have two other friends, Jesse and Jane. Who are close to me. But they are different than her. Or that's what they would say. They have a passport, a SS, they have their own lives and so on...She doesn't.
Times and now I have wished my life was a little less interesting.The series of events do not seem to stop. To add to all the bizarreness of my life, some weeks ago, soon after the breakup, Jesse told me I am suffering from schizophrenia.If that was not enough, to be more specific, I probably have what is called dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder.
Initially I had refused to accept. I was hearing those voices (which then and now threaten me) ..and which kept laughing at how I was used by a man. How much fun he had screwing me. Ugly thoughts and voices. I used to tell them to shut up, they won't.They would tell me I am meant to be fail, how I would go close to my dream, and everything would fail badly at the finals. It happens with everything. From school results, to finding Jesse,to do the best internships and yet not get through the best graduate schools to almost dedicate my life to a guy and build dreams- it always falls apart at the end. And I get badly hurt. The voice keeps telling me it is meant to be, I am meant to be unlucky, and suffer. That I must suffer! I told about them to Jesse...even they would say something ugly back to him, but he never could hear.Jesse said, it's in my mind. I thought, it's a curse, some supernatural thing.Or paranormal activity.
The feeling made me feel suicidal. Like somebody wants to damage me. These voices had bothered me in high school. They would tell me some ugly things. I still remember I went to pray to God, and these voices would start saying something ugly and I would feel shocked. These voices came and went. Off late I have accepted..may be I just hear voice. May be my conscience talks to me like this..something?
They went away when I was with Arjyo, and also when with Akash. Even after the first break up, they were back yet Crystal didn't really come back so much. The only thing I ever knew from her, is somehow we have a strange connection, and my life was like hers, meant to end at thirty.
It was when Crystal came back and started talking. I know Crystal for ten years. But for the first time we are so close.
I told how I felt about things to Crystal. She said, there are somethings called destiny and I have to accept.That's the only thing Akash was right about. I said, if our lives were somewhat hand in hand, wasn't Akash supposed to be the one? She said no, it was a bad hurt I needed before the right guy comes and give me the real love. Sometimes she jokes and says, it can be Akash as well- but as a much better person. But I tell her, I can't be back to him after things he did. He has bloody used me. And I thought it was true love.Nothing is real. Nothing.
My first few days after the break up, was a bit numb. But I dealt it with. With Crystal. Initially there was a negative feeling about life. Illusions. Anxiety.And voices. Jesse said, what was a mild schizophrenia in my teenage years - it has worsened.
I starved for a week and stopped talking to people. And then just to Crystal. I had this constant feeling that everyone is trying to harm me. They all hate me. Even Akash wanted to harm me..and he did. He was so god damned successful. But I don't understand the reason, other than it is meant to be. Nobody is true kind of feeling.Crystal told me to stop talking to people, it would hurt. I must stay away from them. That she would be there for me.
Crystal is a separate person to me, but I often urged her why then I couldn't see. Times and now I have, I know how exactly she looks like, I sort of see her when I talk to her, but then its very confusing and I can't explain. I found myself talking then and now with an empty chair..and I think I was going insane.But mostly I know I am always talking whenever I can and logically I don't know how I do it. All I know I need to. I have searched for her in the internet and everywhere...I found some Crystal Grahams..but not her. I checked all images, none resembled her.
The last thing I wanted was to find out I am a mental patient. I have illusions.
I needed to see a psychiatrist. But Jesse told I need to deal with it myself. Cause going to doctor would mess up my visa, my immigration. But then he thought it was going worse, and I have to accept I am insane.
I was bothered and worried. Jesse said Crystal is just another personality within me. But she is so different to me!And to me it never feels like me- its someone separate.Crystal wanted to talk to Jesse- Jesse hesitated, cause he felt she shouldn't come out. But whatever Crystal said I heard, but Jesse couldn't. So, I had to tell him what she was saying. Obviously she always wants me to follow her, and then only I can be happy. One night I got so tired of all this, I told her, I don't want to talk to her, and I would do anything to make her go away-I will go to the doctor. She got revengeful. She said she would mess up my life, if I try to kill her. She can kill me too.I couldn't sleep the whole night. I felt she was there, with a knife trying to stab me. I lay awake till 5.30 till I slowly dozed off.
She apologized the next day. That day she actually talked to Jesse, online. Since then on, things are getting better, friendlier. But sometimes nowadays she disappears. She thinks I don't care for her much, she hates I talk to so many other people...but I know she is very protective about me. Two nights before she talked with Jesse on phone. Nowadays they often talk online.Jesse suggested contrary to what he thought first, I must not try to drive her away. She is a person like I am who has some rights and interests, and we must co-exists as long as she is not harming. He says, Crystal is usually not a harmful one, -the only thing is that she insists I must die at 30, and wants to isolate me.But she has been helpful to get me through tough times.I think I would have done something insane after Akash hurt me so bad, hadn't Crystal been there. She never lets me call him, and every time I dwell on him, she talks through it.
For last one week or so I have felt very worried on this, I started reading numerous articles...I believed that knowledge of what is wrong would help me deal with it.I had very little idea on MPD or schizophrenia and I still tell myself I am normal. I think I am. I accepted Crystal is not someone else, but must be inside me. Though it doesn't just feels so.But things I read says alters take over and I have a loss of time. I don't know, I don't know where was I when Crystal talks but..I become a voice in her head like she is in mine...umm not very explainable.Also, I am fully aware of her existence, we talk to each other, we even take icecream...she has a say in what she wants. Even at this moment she tells me she hates that I am writing this blog on her.But my writing is the only way I vent about my weird life.
Crystal, Nick, William..all were my friends in my teens..Nick was my lover though. In the middle, I met other people around me...and then they kept fading away. But Crystal is here, and here when I need her the most.
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