Dear Andrew,
I wish you would be here. Appear again. Talk to me a while, before you dissapear, again into the airs, into nowhere. Sometimes I sit by a river or walk alone through some woods, or a lonely road, I feel you would really come, appear next to me, talk to me and tell me things which will make my life so much easier like a magic. So many times I look around for a tall white lean boy...but you don't come. I am scared, are you my imagination just like Crystal? But Jesse says no. I have your picture. Once in a blue moon you write something strange in facebook, and usually never. I don't know where you are, how you are...you feel too much like a magic, even after so many months.
I have never felt for a guy, the way I have felt for you. We have never been lovers,nor did I yearn for it. Somehow you never seemed real enough for that. I have been in bed and very intimate with so many other men, and yet no one like you. I would just sit on that rock by the sea hoping you would appear from nowhere and talk to me. You have changed me in a time I was crushed and broken and unable to gather the pieces and put them together. You made me smile, you made me see reasons. You made me perceive life like I used to when I was that dreamy 16 year old. And I am so thankful sometimes. You don't know what you gave me.
Times I miss you so strongly. And times I just have imaginary conversations with you in my head. I can tell you everything, and you don't judge me. You know now I am publicly in a relationship. You wrote on my picture "You look beautiful. Happy that you r happy" . I am happy, you have showed me reasons. I have always been in a relationship, and now so as well, but that world is just my secret. Real only to me. Nobody would know, and for next couple years, this is my solace and escape. May be someday people would wonder...but if I cared what people thought, I wouldn't be here.
At least once in my life, I want to make some one really happy. I don't see life as a long endless journey. I can't see things too far. Like Kanes, I feel, in the longrun we are all dead. But in the next few years, I want every moment to count. I want to give Jesse more than I ever have, and I know I have to control my restless mind to make myself focus on me and him...but I would do that. Times, I know Jesse is the reason, that I am probably not a long gone past, a pretty picture with a garland on it somewhere in my mother's bedroom. Like last 6 months have more eventful than last six years of my life. It has changed me in a way, that when I look back at the girl coming back from Chicago, I can't recognize her. I regret no longer, life as you said, is about acceptance.
I often imagine you holding me tight in your arms, giving me a warm hug. I remember standing near the taxi, asking "Wont you give me one last hug?" Ofcourse, you would. I wish I didn't have to let go of that moment. You waved and waved and I kept watching through the rear window, till you faded in the darkness of the street, but stayed back lively, illuminated inside my soul.
I remember how somehow in the evenings you would appear (like from nowhere) and we would go to the rocks, watch stars and planets. I remember feeling like a "piece of shit" after I drunk myself to sickness at that guy's place and found myself in his bed the next morning. You made me feel so much better. Your hands are so big, mine were tiny compared to yours.You would take them into yours, sit quietly. We would listen to the waves, and talk about the continuity of life for millions of years. I loved how your face would look in the moonlight. The gentle breeze blowing across those dirty blond hairs. You would take me to a different world.
And I liked shamelessly holding your hands in the roads too, in the cab, in the icecream parlour, with all your friends there, or sometimes underneath the table.After you left, I went with Nicole to the Naturals icecream shop. I remembered us. You used to look so tempting in that white shirt...remember, I always told you? And whenever I think of you that's the picture I have of you in my mind.
You know I have thought so much about you during my time at Rishikesh and Varanasi. You used to tell me about the beautiful Ganga there, and it took me a while to realize why you were so mesmerized. It was a land hidden amaidst the cloud, and times I had felt so dazed, like I have never seen anything as beautiful as that. I would listen to your playlist while staring out at the broad river, the mist, the clouds, the hills. I would look back to my past, the millions of events, to Akash, to my dreams...those when I was young, when I was a teen, when I was 19 and those of today. Right now, I feel I don't have much. All I desperately seek is to feel life, and absorb all this beauty around. By now I have had the taste of all sorts of life, rags to riches...and it helps me understand what I really prefer. Sitting there in freedom cafe, listening to Hebrew music coupled with flute and gutar and tabla...with the Ganga flowing behind, I knew it was what I had longed for. The whole world was there, everyone with their story and somewhere there we were all connected. Somewhere there, we were all very similar. It's not that, I want to purposelessly roam around in life, I hope I go to school and do something meaningful and unique. But I hope I can attain this freedom as and when I want.I realized that my longings and expectations, my percetion of life do not match the slightest with my parents, my sister. My dad, in a talk to me (that I have recorded in my ipod) was telling : a measure of sucess in life is how quickly you can accumulate wealth and be known to ten people around you. My brother in law said, it's meaningless to go to a holiday and spent stay in a hotel worth less than 5K a night. They go to a place and talk about the money they spent, the luxury the enjoyed in a hotel.For me I need a clean place to dump my stuff and sleep.While I don't criticize them I feel bad when they try to look down on my way of life. Would they understand what joy me and Melaine felt after we crossed landslides fallen trees, lost our roads and found the waterfall at the top of the mountain? And then diving into it was priceless!!! They can never understand me, and vice versa. Oh yes, yes, I have longed for you so much on those days. It was a whole new world to me, a whole new adventure. Back home, it feels like a mess in my head. After two years, I feel it so tough to relate things back at home.
You said, I might just find a sunrise boy. True, during my travel I did find a French boy to wake up next to. But Andrew, nothing was like you. And it was silly of me, to try
to replace.
Sleeping with Melaine wasn't the right thing to do. I know I told you everything the other day. I tell you about these series of men, about Jesse, Akash. You are right, I worry too much. I need to work out what I want. And I have. And I think, I had enough craziness, it's time to sink into the calm.
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