Not having the internet connection, I have been blogging in my diary for a while. I thought of typing them in today
Today is my last evening at Rishikesh. It has been pouring non stop. I am stuck upstairs at the Little Buddha cafe for hours.I am on page 477 of the book "Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffengger. I have been weeping like anything while reading it. Melaine was confused, but didn't know what to ask. Things have been very strange with him for the last couple days, he has been very solemn, unable to accept that he has to return back to France after over a year. He seems pretty self absorbed, and I have left him alone. For the first time, I am drinking tea during my travel; I feel a bit cold. I wish it would stop raining so I could at least go to the ashram and get something warm to wear.
For whatever reasons, Melaine and I, haven't had real sex yet.So in that case I am glad, I kept my promise to Jesse. I want to write about Jesse, so much to say. For last several months, some of which were the toughest time of my life, he has been there like the rock of gibralter. And yet, we have been fighting so much off late, sometimes I am unable to surmise the reason. He has sent me a few emails; I read them. He feels we should call it off. I feel so, sometime as well. And in couple hours, I realize, it's impossible.
While reading the Time Traveler's Wife, I think of Jesse quite a bit. Well...it's like I have known him all my adult life, and he has been my secret like Henry to Clare.Last night we were talking about flood experiences, I was telling Melaine about the rainy day
in Kolkata when I was stuck with Jesse, with water upto my waist, and we were sitting at the roof of the car, and then landed up in the police station. My parents were all freaked out. I can probably never forget that day. It was the "momentous" day that changed my life so completely; the day that decided me and Akash to be together. And that story continued for three years.
However to note, I really didn't tell Melaine about Jesse. All he knows, I had several lovers, and so did he. He had a bunch of bad experiences as well.
I remember Jesse making love to me when I was 18+. It was my first time. Clare was 18, Henry time traveled from when he was 41. I was reading, and all I could think of was me and Jesse.I was so scared as well. It hurt like hell, but it felt wonderful to belong to someone.
The whole thing has been so exciting for all these eight years. Often filled with guilt. With moments of infidelity, which have been worse off late from my side. May be cause I become more and more aware, that we aren't going to be together? That our's has no consequence whatsoever? Unlike at 16, when it seemed, love can make everything possible. And then there have been those tears. Knowing the obvious end. Since then, there have been so many men. On and off. And sometimes I feel I needed them. Just to understand, that no one can love me as much as Jesse.
I don't mind the lonliness today. I expected Melaine to be in a more normal mood, but I am not the kind who would bug about it. I stare out at the fast flowing Ganga, the huge mist around it and the barely visible Laxman Jhula.Very soon I have to let go of so many things and so many feelings.I won't see Rickie and Ettai, I won't see Gyan with his tabla lost in idle dreams, I won't see Dudo with guitar and Chris with his absolutely hippie looks. I won't get to talk Bengali with a brazilian boy like Madhavan , who is a bramhachari for four years now, somewhere in haridwar. I miss Betty and Ginger, who treated me like a sister. There's just so many thoughts in my head. And sometimes the whole thing feels so surreal, like I gonna wake up any moment from this long dream and find myself in the mondane predictable world. I wish I could wheed out all my feelings, but it's just so tough.
There's so much I want to write about, just don't know where to start. Landing in the tiny airport at Varanasi, ending up in an isolated Rahul's Guest house at Assi Ghat, walking alone though those narrow alleys and observing the quiet Ganga like no where else in Varanasi. And then going to Dwashamedha Ghat to watch the evening Aarti. I am Hindu, and I realized I have been so completely obilivious of my own rituals. The floating of the Pradips in the Ganga, the holy chants stir you in a weird way. You can feel it resonating inside your soul.
It's been a while now I have been spending my days among a bunch of backpackers, and in a way I am glad. I had been totally obilivious of this world and, the kind of life that I have been now living for past so many years, I guess I have become open to try everything and anything.I tried to go back to normal while being with Akash, but may be that's not written in my fate. A rule once broken, is broken for all. If you kill one, or you kill ten, you are guilty the same way. I won't say I am guilty, it's just that, in years I have realized I am no longer sure what defines me. If I was the typical Indian girl, I wouldn't have fallen in love with a midaged American married guy since sixteen. And all the time till 16, I had felt sex is too special, and I felt it for a little longer, and after twenty when you have it all the time...where as your other contemporaries are inexperienced virgins, some of whom have never even kissed, you feel you belong to a different world.
I don't think I understand feelings very well. Nor I understand my present state of mind, and why I am with Melaine.But somehow rightnow very little in life seems important. Let it pass.Soon I will be with Jesse, things back in place.
Sometimes it bugs me, because I feel I can't define myself. My morals, what I follow, and where I restrain. But sitting with these people, I finally for the first time feel very free. Nothing matters much. As long as you can relate to each other on something. I realize most of the people here feel very similar towards life...and may be that's why we are all here. They observe, they feel. They are dazed. they absorb. Sometimes te beauty is too intense. It hurts, till you give way to tears. I realize I love this life, much more than those fancy houses and cars, and pretty resturants and expensive clubs. At somepoint, it would exhaust me. And here, I wish I could freeze it to eternity. Into a life long adventure, one place to another. With no fear, no ties, and nothing holding you back. An unbelonged life.
No comments:
Post a Comment