The time is 4 o’clock of morning, and I can’t soom to sleep. I am wide awake, in a dark room faintly lit by the light from the screen of my laptop. Somewhere out there in the streets the nightguard is blowing his whistle. Like he used to three years back. There were few nights I didn’t sleep that well back then even. Times I would just wait for the phone to ring at some weird hour of night, when you would come back to your room somewhat drunk from a boys’ party. Drunk or not, you would say you love me. When drunk, you would want more than just to love me. Back then I didn’t know what you would mean to me. Times, I would be scared to lose you. I was overwhelmed by your love. Or what you pretended to be love.
It’s been a long time now since we sat in that coffee shop, and walked out holding hands. You ordered for an Irish coffee and me a strawberry milkshake. It’s been a long time since that first kiss in the cab, when you suddenly grabbed me close and put your lips on mine. Today the past haunts me, and as if in this dark room all the moments are flashing by like screen shots on the wall. Last few months, I have tried to detach myself with all those thoughts, obliterate from my life all traces of your existence. May be I shouldn’t have talked about you, the other day with Debbie ; I wish Jesse didn’t bring it up either. I have built a wall around me, that won’t let your thoughts in; but I am so scared at times what if it falls?
Soon, I would be so far and probably I would never see you again. I feel funny at the thought how a single incident in my life has changed me so entirely. I haven't changed so much in last three years, what I have in last four months. Times I feel angry with you. I know deep in my heart this wound might take forever to heal. I tell myself, I am smart, and I can live ignoring the pain. And at times I am thankful. When you can endure a bad heartbreak, rest of the things in life seem like a cakewalk. Had not you crushed me so bad, I would never be so strong, so capable of being alone. Now I feel I neither understand love, nor do I want to anymore. Somehow it's no longer important. All it matters, is to feel life, and keep my bag ready and head off wherever the road leads to. I have suffered my share of pain. And I don't want to try again. May be this time, I would rather try to make someone else happy who deserves so.
Tonight seems so difficult to get through. I know there would be the sun in couple hours, and with the fading darkness may be all these thoughts would disappear. Soon I will fly across the horizon, leaving the pain, the tears, the memories behind. Leaving YOU behind. But there are times, my heart bleeds. I want to cry and ask you, how you could do this? Did you ever realize how much you meant to me? There was NOTHING, I would not give up had you asked me to. I had loved you SO intensely, so madly.
And you had made it seem perfect. You had made me believe we are meant to be. Supposed to be. I went to city center the other day. Every shop street we walked, and I could see us three years back, your hands around my waist…you couldn’t stay away from me. We often joked, we are too attracted to each other, it’s so impossible to spend a minute next to the other without a touch. As simple as holding hands. As simple as you running your hand through my hair. Remember one day we went upstairs to food court, and I went on talking and talking. Something totally irrelevant. You were simply staring at me; you probably never listened what I was saying, but I did say I really like you. And in ten minutes we were in the taxi, making out, forgetting everything else, in each other arms. We missed the turn to my home, the cab driver was laughing. I miss being in love so madly. I miss you.
And then shopping during Puja. Walking on the pavement across Parkstreet, lit up by those pretty streetlights. You holding me like always. And even in Shimla, I would talk to you. Even if it was for 10 mins a day. Remember how happy you were to see me back from Shimla? You loved it when I dressed pretty. You always did. Even months back, I would take hours to dress up. Changing from one to other, till I would look perfect. I would apply my mascara using the mirror at the basin, while you would play Eric Claptop, “You look wonderful tonight”. I have been with a dozen men now. And other than Jesse (which is such a different world), I have never been so happy with a man. And never been so hurt.
Sometimes I have a morning dream about you. And I wake up, still in a trance, as if everything is okay. As if I am in the bed in Mumbai. May be you are in the kitchen. But I realize, it’s the past. I could never cook, and the best I could do was to make breakfast for you. I was happy when you would love them Stuffed sandwich, sausages, fried vegetables. I remember staying in your apartment by myself, wearing your T shirt to bed. And when you would come back, I wouldn’t let Radhadi to open the door. I would rather do that, myself. Welcome you home. You know your room would be cleaner than it is ever. And then the kisses, the quick love making. I would be so freaked out with Radhadi in kitchen and Ashay next room. But I loved belonging to you. Deep in my soul, I believed it, you are the one. When we would see ourselves in the mirror together , or while making love at night, you said, our bodies are just so complementary, as if they are made for the other. And I knew it. It was supposed to be us.
Some of the happy times were those we went for grocery. Bringing stuffs to what I sort of took as a home. A home that you built for fun, and broke it cause you were bored. You never understood the pain. Did you really love me? How could I be SOO wrong, SO wrong? I have become strong, but I don't trust my feelings anymore. Last year the whole time I planned about us, sitting in Chicago, how we would be at Mumbai. Where we would go..Shit! I built so MANY dreams about you and me, happy endings...how would I know? How would I know your every kiss was a lie? That you faked all those words of love, that you never meant what you said, what your promised. I trusted you when you said, I was the first girl you kissed, the first girl you really truly loved and was so close to, the first girl you made love to. All lies, that I happily believed.How could you pretend SOO much?
After you, I have been with quite a few men. I wanted to be over you. I wanted to forget the feel of your touch, the feel of your body, your smell, everything. I think of the night when you said, I never ever have to be in anyone else's arm again. Listen to me now, I have been in arms of other men after you, so obviously more charming than you.I wanted to know, I am lovable, desirable. But a few nights was most that I wanted, I didn't want to see the end. I didn't want to love. All these was going perfect expecpt tonight. When I remember Melaine saying, that I am not running from you. I am running from myself, my hope that things will be all okay. That this is a nightmare, and I am trying to pass it, somehow anyhow. Like Andrew said, acceptance is the key. Sometimes I feel I have. Ofcourse, I have, I stay unaffected by you. I don't call you, I don't see our pictures. I don't care anymore who you are sleeping with. Whom you are in love with. I am in as relationship now, and I would like to give it a better meaning.
I have believed in us. I have believed in love. Somehow that's gone, and I don't know if forever. And would I wait for you? Like all these three years? So you come back and prove me wrong. That you tell me that it was just a nightmare, and it was me, only me whom you loved. That WE were meant to be? I don't know. Time is nothing.
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