The end

This is the end.

I had to let go of you
Not much point holding on
The end is here, the end is near
Let me run free.
Do I want, be what I want
Escape into the paradise
For a few days
Live like I want
You’d watch me shine
My glory, and it will engulf you
In pity and resentment
Loss and fear
Feeling of nothingness.
And you, I owe you everything
For all the love these years,
But, it’s time for farewell
To bid goodbye forever
And the sea is calling
I know the place
I know everything
And it’s few more days
Into paradise
Into peace
Off to a star, out of reach.

Hold it against me?

Misjudged.

She feels no qualms about it.There is nothing that she particularly wants out of it. May be a night of pretension. Pretending love. But would it come, she wonders? She has forgotten how it feels like to feel that way. She is 28, she has everything she wanted. And now, a flying liscense too. One day soon she gonna fly her own Aerotrek across the corn fields at her gradfather's farm house.

Everything seems perfect, except that everyone seems to think she is 28, and lonely.

But she wanted it this way. It's been years she has met him. He is married, may be, she thought. And why would I care.Would I in all my senses, at this point of my life seek for a guy like him? No! But at some point I did. I got hurt to the point, I realized..that's it not just my parents. It's not the people we see breaking up. It's everyone- we all live in some stupid illusion of love, that waste our time and talent. I wouldn't be what I am were I with him. I would be nothing. Other than a good wifey? Hah.

But tonight she has a date. A purely random guy, she met in the bar the other night. She has known him only for five minutes, she had to leave.But she couldn't forget him. The smell of his perfume, the strange look in his eyes, he was impossible to miss in that crowd of hundreds. He texted her today morning, he gonna meet her tonight. She wanna be in the arms of a stranger. She gonna be fine.

And, it's just a week before she would pack her bags and leave for Israel. Nothing's forever.

Something wrong

It's funny. How two relationships have affacted me. My mood, reactions, days, perspectives. With Akash, it changed me into someone else after that. With Jesse, who comes to a conclusion that, that it's better I leave, because...all I do is blame him for everything. And may be that's true, so he thnks I might do better without him. And no one knows. Fights and so on affect me, to an extent that affect everything else. I dissapear, I don't turn up to meet my friends anymore...who cancel something because they they didn't hear from me. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I probably don't wanna live either.

Do I wish things were normal? That I lived a life like other girls? Yes, sometimes. But I can change nothing...it went wrong the very day I was born, I think.

Bipolar Disorder

They call it bipolar disorder.

I had been doing good, except for today. It's been a while it happened. The strong mood swings, when I wake up depressed, then call Jesse, yell at him and start crying. Break dishes, and have glass on the kitchen floor. Hurt myself. Cry, cry, till my eyes swell. I hate Jesse, I feel like he would dissapear, and not exist. I hate myself, my life. Everything.

For those, who wonder, or suffer with the same problem of extreme mood swings that has no logic whatsoever, the immediate rememdy is probably to go out of the house. But, you can't make yourself to do so, usually. For me, I refuse to go out, take phone calls, meet anyone. I read up suicide methods, and imagine how to kill myself. Usually I understand it's a problem I try to go to sleep. If I am awake it's very difficult.

Right now I am going out. Forcing myself to. To shop some food. I am going to hiking tomorrow at Hocking hills with my friends. I need to feel better.

It's complicated.

It's complicated.. I told you.

Yes you did. And I can deal with it.

I won't stay you know. I won't. I can't. I am torn inside. I am broken. I am chasing after everything and nothing. I can't love. No..not again.

Love isn't everything. May be you will love. May be you won't. But I'll be here for you. I am not gonna hold you back, I am not gonna ask you stay.

There's just too much hate in me. It won't go away. I need no one. I just want to be alone. Alone. I can't handle this bonds and ties.

You imagine those bonds. Leave if you want. What only I wanted to say, is just because one guy was an asshole doesn't mean the whole world is. Doesn't mean you can never trust again. That's all I wanted you to know.