It’s 4th of May, and I have completed a full one month of my break-up. The weirdest one, I ever had, I must admit to that.My roomies are off to IIT-kgp for the INO collaboration meeting. The last place, I think I want to go for now- so I stayed back with some stupid reason. Not to mention, it’s nice and peaceful to stay by myself. I had been late in waking up even today and as usually, like yesterday missed the bus to lab. I dragged myself out of the apartment in the noon, and walked to the station under the blazing sun, to find out trains are closed. Trains are lifeline for Mumbai, and even if they are closed for an hour- the city is paralyzed. I took a cab and came back home.
I looked at my tummy for the tenth time in the mirror. It wouldn’t show now if something is wrong. My cycle should have started on 28th, but it’s 4th. This has happened before, I have assured myself for the last few days, but I have a creepy feeling. The last time, on 3rd April Akash and I made love without a condom.The day we broke up. From the age of seventeen I have had this fear atleast a dozen times, and I had been alright. I told myself, I would be fine. It was my eighth day, it should have been okay. I should buy the stupid test, but I hate the anxiety while doing it. If I am pregnant now, if I do it ten days after I still would be pregnant.
But if my periods start before that, I don’t have to go through the torture.
It is funny and I guess a bit of irony too the guy with whom I wanted to have babies, now the mere thought of bearing his baby is like a nightmare. Logically the moments we had, were apparently sweet. And yet unlike 2008, my response to the whole thing now is something I myself am unable to comprehend. I realize I can’t seem to look back at anything with fondness. I suffer bad dreams a lot nowadays. I see myself walking in busy streets of Mumbai, and being chased by a stranger who wants to kill me. I wake up in the darkness,sweating and it feels someone is there in the kitchen and would come and stab me. Worse I have dreams about Akash raping me. Our lovemaking technically have been sweet and yet in my dreams, I see him as someone evil, laughing at me…telling something like, I told you so, calling me slut, saying I am hot and sexy and then forcing himself to me. And I struggle to get out. These bad dreams repeat. Almost every night. Worse I am scared in the crowd now, espcially when I come along the road from station. There is an illogical fear that they can all harm me. And again I hate walking in the empty corridors of the lab. Am I becoming paranoid? Is it just my lonliness in this big city? I don’t know, I am trying to deal with my irrational fears.
For last two days Crystal is not talking to me. But she talks to Jesse at night when I am asleep. Lot of creepy things are happening. However she wrote me a letter today.
So, I got a bottle of vodka at home mixed it with coke, and drank on Sunday night. I needed some sleep. As I drank, I told myself all this is my imagination.I walked into the dark kitchen, there was nobody. There was no one in any other rooms, bath, toilet. Nobody is going to kill me. I am just fine.
But thing with Akash wasn’t my imagination. What if I get pregnant with his kid? I want to kill it. But I don’t want to bear it even. I called him. And all my hatred came out in a burst. He has used me, raped me with my permission…which was liked fooled me into believing him, made me strip for him in the webcam while he has been a cheat, a bastard.I had been hating my body when I think of it. The thought of being pregnant from his baby is like being pregnant from a guy who raped you. His reply was the cold insensitive one, “I told you I am a bad guy. You didn’t listen”. Fuck, what the hell am I calling him for? I dozed off.
Morning I found him calling. Damned, I felt foolish at my stupidity. No way, I don’t want to talk to that guy. Later in the evening still pissed off by my act the night before, I texted him that I can deal with it. It was ofcourse my fault. This world is full of people who will take advantage of you. I had been foolish, so if I AM PREGNANT, I WOULD DEAL WITH IT.
Since I had inhibitions of walking to the drug store and asking for the test, Jane insisted she can buy and send it to me. She is my other closest friend now than Jesse. Sometimes I know that I had been able to deal through all of these because I had her always to talk with. We had so much situtaions and feelings in common, that I never felt that lonely.
I would get the test this Friday.
I am having another strange problem. I am spending money without thinking. Okay, that was me always, but I am not using it in the way I want. I was hungry today and I had apparently ordered 4 midium sized pizzas to be delivered. When they came, I had no clue why I ordered four medium pizzas, 10 inches each. I am alone, why did I order? But I have spent thousand rupees on those pizzas and I have no clue why. I have to store them in the fridge- I ate pizzas all day. Right now I feel a bit ill from them.
But this is happenning often off late. I can’t seem to keep track of my money. I am often purchasing things and later not understanding why I did it. I wasn’t like this. In fact I always told Akash to be careful about money. But it is not the same.I am spending on things and I am being forgetful. I remember buying two pretty tops from Bandra that day, but I don’t remember buying three white shirts. I find them in my cuppboard today and I just don’t seem to recollect.
There is no ghost. It’s just me, and I am being forgetful. I think things will be alright, they will all fall in place, and life will move on. My time at Mumbai has become a bit of nightmare and I hope once I go back to USA, life will be happy again.This has never happened to me before. And I think I am too stressed.I tried to finish my short story “Eight Years”…but I am confused about the ending. Just because my love story had a sad ending, why would it have a sad ending too? I don’t know. We will see.
Real lives are never like movies. Sometimes I wish things were okay, and all this was my imagination. That Akash was true, and I was really the special one to him, like he said always.Everything seemed so perfect. I have loved him very much. I have also imagined a happy life with him.But well, this is the truth.
Though I know he was probably scared of commitment and marriage, to be honest even I don’t imagine it too much. But if it’s true that I die at 30, I wanted that we be together before that. I wanted an assurance.Akash doesn’t know so much about Crystal. Nor the fact that she and I are together now. Sometimes she wants to talk to him, though she doesn’t want me to. But, Jesse said, it would a mess if she does. I think so too. But sometimes she does things without telling me really and that’s when I get a bit messed up. I don’t know what has come of me off late :/. Creepy stuffs.
However, I feel a strong detachment from everything. From Akash, from friends, relationships, and work even. All the memories of him seem so distant, so cold and sometimes I can't seem to recollect. Is my hatred so intense? I don't know, I force myself to think of him, but I feel nothing.And the weird things happening keep me worried. I feel like I want no one, no one around. I did go out with a IIM-A guy, but supposedly to a friendly outing. When he calls me everyday, I realize I don't want it. I talk to my parents once a week and sometimes not even so. Everything is fading away in my rear view mirror, and I am driving too fast. Didn't Crystal lose Mike, when she was off my age?
But then Mike loved her, and he died. May be, Akash also loved me, and that Akash is dead?
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