Can I cry...please?

I am tired.

I wish someone was here, to hug me. To put his/ her arms around me. And I could just cry. I pretend I am perturbed, but it will be all fine. I pretend I don't care. But I do. Sometimes I am tired pretending to be strong, pretending I have moved on, and pretending to be someone else. How easy...every time his thoughts come in my mind, I pretend I am not me, I think I am Crystal, I believe so..and those memories don't hurt me, or even touch me cause they are not mine. I think of some imaginary lover Mike, some imaginary stuff and escape the reality.June stays as a shadow. It's so much fun.

I have no one to love me. There's probably so much wrong with me, and I realize that. After I came home from Mumbai, two days yelling screaming continued with mother. Her cursing... how I will suffer cause I hurt her. She will see to it.I don't believe in family; I don't think I will ever again. I did once with Akash, but I have been so wrong. Last six months have seen me to change into a completely different person who even I fail to recognize. A person so detached from anything or anyone, just ready to run away.

I can't stay with a crowd, I can't stay with anyone. I feel forced, compelled with everything and I desperately try to seek freedom.

Sometimes the purpose of existence seems too mundane. Surviving for meaningless purpose, the same cat and mice chase.The rage, and anger. The grievances of human beings, the sorrow in their everyday lives disturb me too much to understand the joy of living. Hence sometimes I feel no fear to embrace death if I must. My experience in the last 23 years had been very intense, and I would not want to dilute it by dragging in the triviality of everyday life.


Hence I want to head off, again to the road.It's the only thing that makes me feel free of the bondage that drag me down and make me feel my worthlessness.I had often felt Jesse of all was the only one,who had ever understood me. But I find, I have changed way too much...to stay with anyone. I don't know if it's habit that holds us together, and he cares too much to leave...but I know the love is gone. I have turned into a selfish soul who can't look beyond herself and her complex thoughts. I quietly listen to his long list of criticism and I know there's not much I can change. Among everything and all, I have forgotten what really makes me happy, apart from a slice of blue sky and the endlessness of the ocean.

I think, I have developed a general distaste for most human beings and probably life in general. The back of my mind which houses a bunch of imagination, including Crystal seems to hate everything ordinary and normal. And yet the extraordinary and the amusing stuffs are out of reach.

I am alone. And somehow, I guess I seek more of it.

Happy Birthday Me ;) ;)

Today I turned 23.

There was no birthday cake, no ceremonious celebration. No one to come and shake my hand wishing me. I sat by a waterfall looking down the valley below, in a quiet and undisturbed state. For today I have left all the familiar world behind. And discoved a tiny bit of heaven somewhere.

I packed my bags and have set off to the city of Aurangabad, to the mountains of Ajanta and Ellora for the weekend. Yesterday I toured to Ajanta with a bunch of other tourists. Seeing the caves from 5th century BC, the art, the sculptures that adorn those old caves. So many thoughts come to my mind, human civilization has come such a long way. So many thoughts of the numerous lives that has passed by, unaccounted. Would I be one such?


Later evening, I came to my hotel ooposite to the Ellora mountains. A lonely evening, without any distraction of the world outside. No laptop, no phone. And I realized, there is in fact no one thinking of me. I am alone. As I always was. Times I have felt needed, times I have felt those "bonds", but all of those were an illusion. Nobody ever really needed me. The world and everything in it would exactly be the same were I not there.I make so little affect to anyone. Sometimes Jesse might say, but it's also an illusion in his head. Truth is, we belong to no one, and we live for no one but ourselves. But these imagionary ties always make our actions dependent on people...who at the end, don't even matter. Today I feel so much at peace being away from them.


When I look back at my past, I tell myself. No regrets. All the bizzare things have made me so weirdly unqiue, little to regret, right? With all my madness and whims..I am intrigued by myself! But I ask again..do I regret? Hell, yes..I want to cry and change everything! I don't know what I mean by that.

I see people spending days on things that make no sense to me. On trivial fights, manipulating each other, gossips and so on. I feel this world has too much pain. And all I feel, I don't want to belong to it. I enjoy this isolation. This freedom and lonliness. Perhaps no one will understand..and as Jesse says sarcastically, cause they don't make sense. May be so. But then , very little does, anyway.

Tarrot

The card in the middle of the circle represents the core or central issue of the situation. The World, when reversed: Incompleteness and shoddy design. A great work betrayed. Insecurity, fear of change, and the failure to reach goals. Regret and disappointment.

The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. Page of Swords, when reversed: The dark essence of air behaving as earth, such as a sandstorm: The approach of an unexpected challenge, met with muddled thought and unjust action. A person filled with a destructive appetite for all matters of mind and logic. Voyeurism, espionage, and misguided witch hunts. The use of clever argument and eloquent speech to mask the truth.

The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. Death: A major change or transformation, possibly traumatic and unexpected. Freedom from the shackles of the past. A new beginning. Death coupled with rebirth, usually related to consciousness and lifestyle.

The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. The Hanged Man, when reversed: Life in suspension. Selfish, materialistic, and untrusting attitudes. Unwillingness to make necessary sacrifices. Going along with the crowd, and refusing to hear the inner voice. Concessions and appeasements that backfire.

The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. King of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as air, such as rain clouds in a gray sky: A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.

The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Page of Coins: The essence of earth, such as a mountain: The surprising appearance of new prosperity and opportunities for advance in the physical world. One who delights in the pleasures of the body, material things, and nature. The embrace of hard work, realistic goals, and scholarly perseverance as a means to create solid achievement. Dependability, trust, and a studious nature. May portend a new job or promotion.

The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. Ace of Wands: The seed of a new venture - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity to be met with boldness, vigor, and enthusiasm. The herald of birth, invention, or entrepreneurship. An innate and primal force released. May suggest a surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set things in motion.

The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. Strength: Raw power. Health and physical fortitude. A surge of tremendous force. Recovery from sickness. Victory after apprehension and fear. The ability to face and overcome opposition brings the inner qualities of strength and forbearance. Delays and setbacks will be overcome.

The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. Knight of Swords: The essence of air behaving as fire, such as a tornado: A fearless and skillful warrior, unfettered by emotion or material concerns. One able to boldly take on challenges that others consider terrifying or insurmountable. A person who inspires fear and awe through the purity of their purpose and the intensity of their intellect. Speaking frankly, in an outspoken manner, and with great influence. May portend the swift initiation or conclusion of a conflict, through the decisive invocation of force.

The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. Six of Cups (Pleasure): Opening your heart to the simple pleasures of life. Fond memories fuel the playful embrace of love and life. Experiencing the joy of youth and sexual innocence. Engaging in acts of gentle kindness. Harmony of natural forces without effort or strain. Meeting an old friend .



I know, I am not much into these, but don't know, how come it all makes sense

Broken

"The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
May be it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out"

I wake up to a rainy morning tired with thoughts. It's now so many nights since I've had a good sleep, a happy dream. I am tired pretending to be happy. Pretending that my life is exciting. It's not. It's burdened with a thousand regrets and a million teardrops.It's burdened with seven years of guilt, and three years of loss. Six months of deception. And a life long of indecisiveness.

There's no love.Somehow somewhere it's lost. Gone. Burnt to ashes.Or may be it never existed in the first place. Just shackles that chains me, and force me into the monotony.Into the habit. I am tired of following rules, of being told. Just opposite to what my heart desires to hear.I don't know why, seems like the earth is turning the other way around. That night I prayed to be away. Away to somewhere far and start afresh. And everything worked out. But those bonds and chains held me back. I am being so selfish! I thought!

But I wish I was. Why do I listen, and why do I obey? To be told every time about my incapability. Yes, I knew I could manage. Yes, I knew I could do well. But you might pretend that you would let me do what I want eighty percent of the time, and mix with it some ounce of coldness and add twenty percent to let me know you won't be happy with this.I am obliged or chained, or something. I don't know what. I wish I could turn back, I wish I hadn't let this happen. But it has, and I have let it.

When I was young, I had a dream. I saw myself running free. Prisons, that's all I have, all my life..whether from my mother when I was young, whether it's from you.And all I wanted was to be strong enough to decide. But I worried too much. About you, about everybody. Instead of growing up,being independence all the choices of my life has become entangled with yours.

Aimless as Always

The time is 4 am in the morning. As I stay up in my lab yet another night, and probably during my last Sunday at TIFR, eating cold noodles that I packed over in dinner, I find myself in utter confusion. I am about to go back to the States, and I am still waffling about which school to go to. So many things are playing in my mind; so many factors to choose from, and above it I guess a sense of guilt, of failure and I don't know what.

The fourth of July is just over....I am already on the 5th, it's basically a Monday morning now. I remember my last year. I was at Chicago over the weekend, watching fireworks with the Russian guys by Michigan beach. It was so amazing. The day after I watched the fireworks again with Jesse in the neighborhood. I wonder if I knew back then what was to come in the next few months, or in the year that followed. It's been a year, but it has passed by SOOO fast! I still remember, back then I had the hope of being together with Akash,I was planning about our time in Mumbai, I was so much looking forward to all of that! And it did come...and it did get over too. Funny isn't it, how weirdly unpredictable future is?

It's weird how tough I had made myself this time. Stopping my heart to act on the thoughts of love, longing, and especially about Akash. I do read his blog even now; I do check his facebook wall too. But I try to think nothing. It's over, and I would do nothing to change it. If it was love, and he had really cared, he wouldn't have let me go : that's what I tell myself. Why should I hang around for something so fake? So transitory? I had already given too much, and I have nothing more to give.

So I made a promise to Jesse. And I actually thought it through. I don't want to date a guy for next two years. May be just be with Jesse? Time and again, he is the only one who has stayed, have been faithful, and loved me more than anyone ever has in my whole life. It makes sense for me to spend my next couple of years with him.

I want to travel.Carefree, just run around. Am I scared of death? No just the pain associated, I think. May be Nashville le is actually a better choice for me? But then why did I take so long to come to it? I don't know, doesn't matter, life is a bitch, mind is a stupid box, and we better live with it.

I am listening to Katy song. It's one from Andrew's playlist. And whenever I hear it, I think of him. I don't know if he was real, but somehow it's not important. What reality?Crystal? Jesse? Me? I don't know. I think, whatever is important to us, is real. And what's not is a shadow.

I am curious about my future. It scares me, gives me sleepless nights like this, because I don't know what's waiting : the fear of being stuck here. I sometimes think a part of me longs success, fame, money. A part of me thinks let there be enough of it, I only want to live a quiet life, do something I would enjoy, and run to the sea whenever I would want.

I heard Ohio is a huge campus (and that's so tempting!) , lots of people, and fun. On the other hand, I doubt if I really like a loud life. For most part, I guess I don't. This puts me in a confusion as always. I don't really know what I want in life.

The Sunset Boy

I have been thinking of writing about you for so long now; And finally today, as you would be leaving the country and going back to "somewhere in London", I am jotting down my thoughts that have occurred since the day you sat with me on the lunch table.

Today it's a rainy sky. You must have loved the rains. You have told me always, how eager you were to see the monsoon in India. I hope you have enjoyed it, I hope you saw the lush green mountains of the North East, the valleys of Kashmir, the roads of Delhi and the Taj of Agra. As I made some trips by myself in the last month, I have thought a lot about you.And in a very different way than I have for any other man. The thoughts were not of love or lust.You were true: you were a part of a universe sending me some messages. And I heard them over and over again, when you weren't really with me. You bade me goodbye, and yet I was smiling. May be you would never know what you meant, in a time I had completely lost hope in myself. And couldn't even confess the loss I faced.

Today I went to lunch in West Canteen. It's been quite a while with my travel to Delhi and Kolkata. There were your friends at some corner table. I looked at the small table by the window, where we would often catch up for lunch; I remembered you sitting there wearing your white shirt, with your notes that had all geek stuffs on it. I remember reading your funny poems. Table boy. I remember the first time you told me about Margerita, and that you left her...I felt like, damned all men are same, just like my ex. What was I doing with you?And yet, it was all those contradictions in you that made me understand people and life so much better. I had blamed Akash all the time, I had refused to accept the reality, I ran from it, I had to depend on Crystal for dealing with everything I couldn't. And with you, everyday I came to understand that heartbreaks or tragedies or goodbyes, it's all about acceptance.Once you accept, life becomes easier.

It had been a month of my break up, when I met you. A month since I had cuddled up to someone's arms. Was I naive about the night you told I could sleep over in your place? I didn't want to expect anything, yet I wasn't scared. A part of me saw you as a strange friend sent from somewhere, and Crystal thought you were like the one she always wanted.That night, when I lay next to you,it wasn't lust that I sensed. It was strangely the first time I felt connected so spiritually, and I couldn't even explain you. We did nothing, but being there, feeling the warmth of your chest and being held like that, felt so amazing.I still think of those kisses, and damned, I miss you. I loved how gentle you were, and so much of it was like a dream. And when I woke up, there you were in front of my eyes..

Tonight I thought I want to see you again. At the airport. Even if for a few minutes. But then I realized, I don't want to see going, departing. Airports and all those places are too symbolic of departure. I just didn't want that. I want what we shared to be the last and best memory of you. When we sat on that rock, kissing, as the waves rose high, in the moonlight...as we talked, and as we danced...That's what I want to remember of you...And trust me, just the mere thought of you makes me so happy, remembering things you said, times we spent watching the waves and the sunset day after day. Isn't it funny, knowing I neither I can have you, nor I am planning. Lol, life is funny, my sunset boy.

PS: Nowadays, I only play your songs on my road. That's all I have of you, I guess.