The time is 4 am in the morning. As I stay up in my lab yet another night, and probably during my last Sunday at TIFR, eating cold noodles that I packed over in dinner, I find myself in utter confusion. I am about to go back to the States, and I am still waffling about which school to go to. So many things are playing in my mind; so many factors to choose from, and above it I guess a sense of guilt, of failure and I don't know what.
The fourth of July is just over....I am already on the 5th, it's basically a Monday morning now. I remember my last year. I was at Chicago over the weekend, watching fireworks with the Russian guys by Michigan beach. It was so amazing. The day after I watched the fireworks again with Jesse in the neighborhood. I wonder if I knew back then what was to come in the next few months, or in the year that followed. It's been a year, but it has passed by SOOO fast! I still remember, back then I had the hope of being together with Akash,I was planning about our time in Mumbai, I was so much looking forward to all of that! And it did come...and it did get over too. Funny isn't it, how weirdly unpredictable future is?
It's weird how tough I had made myself this time. Stopping my heart to act on the thoughts of love, longing, and especially about Akash. I do read his blog even now; I do check his facebook wall too. But I try to think nothing. It's over, and I would do nothing to change it. If it was love, and he had really cared, he wouldn't have let me go : that's what I tell myself. Why should I hang around for something so fake? So transitory? I had already given too much, and I have nothing more to give.
So I made a promise to Jesse. And I actually thought it through. I don't want to date a guy for next two years. May be just be with Jesse? Time and again, he is the only one who has stayed, have been faithful, and loved me more than anyone ever has in my whole life. It makes sense for me to spend my next couple of years with him.
I want to travel.Carefree, just run around. Am I scared of death? No just the pain associated, I think. May be Nashville le is actually a better choice for me? But then why did I take so long to come to it? I don't know, doesn't matter, life is a bitch, mind is a stupid box, and we better live with it.
I am listening to Katy song. It's one from Andrew's playlist. And whenever I hear it, I think of him. I don't know if he was real, but somehow it's not important. What reality?Crystal? Jesse? Me? I don't know. I think, whatever is important to us, is real. And what's not is a shadow.
I am curious about my future. It scares me, gives me sleepless nights like this, because I don't know what's waiting : the fear of being stuck here. I sometimes think a part of me longs success, fame, money. A part of me thinks let there be enough of it, I only want to live a quiet life, do something I would enjoy, and run to the sea whenever I would want.
I heard Ohio is a huge campus (and that's so tempting!) , lots of people, and fun. On the other hand, I doubt if I really like a loud life. For most part, I guess I don't. This puts me in a confusion as always. I don't really know what I want in life.
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