Happy Birthday Me ;) ;)

Today I turned 23.

There was no birthday cake, no ceremonious celebration. No one to come and shake my hand wishing me. I sat by a waterfall looking down the valley below, in a quiet and undisturbed state. For today I have left all the familiar world behind. And discoved a tiny bit of heaven somewhere.

I packed my bags and have set off to the city of Aurangabad, to the mountains of Ajanta and Ellora for the weekend. Yesterday I toured to Ajanta with a bunch of other tourists. Seeing the caves from 5th century BC, the art, the sculptures that adorn those old caves. So many thoughts come to my mind, human civilization has come such a long way. So many thoughts of the numerous lives that has passed by, unaccounted. Would I be one such?


Later evening, I came to my hotel ooposite to the Ellora mountains. A lonely evening, without any distraction of the world outside. No laptop, no phone. And I realized, there is in fact no one thinking of me. I am alone. As I always was. Times I have felt needed, times I have felt those "bonds", but all of those were an illusion. Nobody ever really needed me. The world and everything in it would exactly be the same were I not there.I make so little affect to anyone. Sometimes Jesse might say, but it's also an illusion in his head. Truth is, we belong to no one, and we live for no one but ourselves. But these imagionary ties always make our actions dependent on people...who at the end, don't even matter. Today I feel so much at peace being away from them.


When I look back at my past, I tell myself. No regrets. All the bizzare things have made me so weirdly unqiue, little to regret, right? With all my madness and whims..I am intrigued by myself! But I ask again..do I regret? Hell, yes..I want to cry and change everything! I don't know what I mean by that.

I see people spending days on things that make no sense to me. On trivial fights, manipulating each other, gossips and so on. I feel this world has too much pain. And all I feel, I don't want to belong to it. I enjoy this isolation. This freedom and lonliness. Perhaps no one will understand..and as Jesse says sarcastically, cause they don't make sense. May be so. But then , very little does, anyway.