Can I cry...please?

I am tired.

I wish someone was here, to hug me. To put his/ her arms around me. And I could just cry. I pretend I am perturbed, but it will be all fine. I pretend I don't care. But I do. Sometimes I am tired pretending to be strong, pretending I have moved on, and pretending to be someone else. How easy...every time his thoughts come in my mind, I pretend I am not me, I think I am Crystal, I believe so..and those memories don't hurt me, or even touch me cause they are not mine. I think of some imaginary lover Mike, some imaginary stuff and escape the reality.June stays as a shadow. It's so much fun.

I have no one to love me. There's probably so much wrong with me, and I realize that. After I came home from Mumbai, two days yelling screaming continued with mother. Her cursing... how I will suffer cause I hurt her. She will see to it.I don't believe in family; I don't think I will ever again. I did once with Akash, but I have been so wrong. Last six months have seen me to change into a completely different person who even I fail to recognize. A person so detached from anything or anyone, just ready to run away.

I can't stay with a crowd, I can't stay with anyone. I feel forced, compelled with everything and I desperately try to seek freedom.

Sometimes the purpose of existence seems too mundane. Surviving for meaningless purpose, the same cat and mice chase.The rage, and anger. The grievances of human beings, the sorrow in their everyday lives disturb me too much to understand the joy of living. Hence sometimes I feel no fear to embrace death if I must. My experience in the last 23 years had been very intense, and I would not want to dilute it by dragging in the triviality of everyday life.


Hence I want to head off, again to the road.It's the only thing that makes me feel free of the bondage that drag me down and make me feel my worthlessness.I had often felt Jesse of all was the only one,who had ever understood me. But I find, I have changed way too much...to stay with anyone. I don't know if it's habit that holds us together, and he cares too much to leave...but I know the love is gone. I have turned into a selfish soul who can't look beyond herself and her complex thoughts. I quietly listen to his long list of criticism and I know there's not much I can change. Among everything and all, I have forgotten what really makes me happy, apart from a slice of blue sky and the endlessness of the ocean.

I think, I have developed a general distaste for most human beings and probably life in general. The back of my mind which houses a bunch of imagination, including Crystal seems to hate everything ordinary and normal. And yet the extraordinary and the amusing stuffs are out of reach.

I am alone. And somehow, I guess I seek more of it.