I have been thinking of writing about you for so long now; And finally today, as you would be leaving the country and going back to "somewhere in London", I am jotting down my thoughts that have occurred since the day you sat with me on the lunch table.
Today it's a rainy sky. You must have loved the rains. You have told me always, how eager you were to see the monsoon in India. I hope you have enjoyed it, I hope you saw the lush green mountains of the North East, the valleys of Kashmir, the roads of Delhi and the Taj of Agra. As I made some trips by myself in the last month, I have thought a lot about you.And in a very different way than I have for any other man. The thoughts were not of love or lust.You were true: you were a part of a universe sending me some messages. And I heard them over and over again, when you weren't really with me. You bade me goodbye, and yet I was smiling. May be you would never know what you meant, in a time I had completely lost hope in myself. And couldn't even confess the loss I faced.
Today I went to lunch in West Canteen. It's been quite a while with my travel to Delhi and Kolkata. There were your friends at some corner table. I looked at the small table by the window, where we would often catch up for lunch; I remembered you sitting there wearing your white shirt, with your notes that had all geek stuffs on it. I remember reading your funny poems. Table boy. I remember the first time you told me about Margerita, and that you left her...I felt like, damned all men are same, just like my ex. What was I doing with you?And yet, it was all those contradictions in you that made me understand people and life so much better. I had blamed Akash all the time, I had refused to accept the reality, I ran from it, I had to depend on Crystal for dealing with everything I couldn't. And with you, everyday I came to understand that heartbreaks or tragedies or goodbyes, it's all about acceptance.Once you accept, life becomes easier.
It had been a month of my break up, when I met you. A month since I had cuddled up to someone's arms. Was I naive about the night you told I could sleep over in your place? I didn't want to expect anything, yet I wasn't scared. A part of me saw you as a strange friend sent from somewhere, and Crystal thought you were like the one she always wanted.That night, when I lay next to you,it wasn't lust that I sensed. It was strangely the first time I felt connected so spiritually, and I couldn't even explain you. We did nothing, but being there, feeling the warmth of your chest and being held like that, felt so amazing.I still think of those kisses, and damned, I miss you. I loved how gentle you were, and so much of it was like a dream. And when I woke up, there you were in front of my eyes..
Tonight I thought I want to see you again. At the airport. Even if for a few minutes. But then I realized, I don't want to see going, departing. Airports and all those places are too symbolic of departure. I just didn't want that. I want what we shared to be the last and best memory of you. When we sat on that rock, kissing, as the waves rose high, in the moonlight...as we talked, and as we danced...That's what I want to remember of you...And trust me, just the mere thought of you makes me so happy, remembering things you said, times we spent watching the waves and the sunset day after day. Isn't it funny, knowing I neither I can have you, nor I am planning. Lol, life is funny, my sunset boy.
PS: Nowadays, I only play your songs on my road. That's all I have of you, I guess.
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