Moments

Mine and his...





Moved in...apt 201, 12th floor



View from the bedroom window






The bike...



He cooked...was yummy

There Was Us

“Not everything is suppose to come true
Some words are best unsaid
Some love is not really love at all
I'll keep everything I shared with you
And that's enough
There's Us”

She cuddled up to him. “And?”
“And, I like lemon cake”
“And…tell me things that you like about me!”
“Umm… this nose?” He giggled.
“Uhu..no, something real”
“These teeth” And he kissed her mouth.
“Aww..no! something serious”
“These cheeks”
“Things about me…you know”
“Umm…is there any?” He joked
“I hate you!”
“I know, I see that”
She smiled. She hated him. Loved him. Madly.
“ Don’t leave me again”
“I won’t”
“I want to sleep on this chest forever.. you know” She smiled and bit her lips. He stroked her hair, and caressed her face.
“I know. But I don't want you to sleep forever...my arms will go numb.Also we both need to go to work..in less than 5 hours?”
"You are horrible..goodnight!"
He held her tightly and kissed her on her forehead. “You know what I like about you?”
“What?”
“When you cuddle up to me and sleep like this. You look so happy”
She liked waking up next to him. She liked the early morning kisses and love making. She liked making breakfast for him, thought she didn’t know much other than sandwiches. She liked picking out his dress for him. She loved him.
And he loved her. Or so it seemed.

She liked coming home early. His home. And now her lipstick was on the bathroom shelf. The cupboard was half full of her clothes. The shoe stack had her sneakers and stilletoes,jumbled with his. The side table had her phone charger, ipod, her perfume bottles and his camera. There were times he would be off for a couple of days. She would sleep in the unmade bed, where they had made love the night before, miss him. She would wear his T shirt which would smell of him, miss him before dozing off to sleep.He would come back. The bed all made, the food all ready. And there would be the pretty girl at the door. And then the kiss. The perfect love story.

They belonged to each other. Like that perfect couple they walked down the street holding hand, stopping and kissing, driving to the Cooney Island, talking nights away. Getting drunk, fighting and falling in love all over again.

to be continued

Eight Years

Too many things happened too fast. Life was more than half over and still she was lonely. And in a month she was going to get married to someone she had never known or loved. But like many things, she tried accept it, and surrender to fate. So many things have changed so drastically, and so many things have remained just the same. Like those roads. Just like what they were eight years ago, on a cold winter night when she had held his hands walked across Park Avenue . When she stood below the Chrysler building, kissing him, all in love…the love she thought was forever. Eight years hence, she is there again, on a cold January night walking to the Grand Central. Twenty minutes for her train to Washington Square. She stood at the lobby of the huge station, with people still running around, like they were back then. But now she had no one to wait for. She still searched amidst the crowd, if he would be there again. Looking out for her.He wasn’t.

Sometimes we never understand why we feel so strongly for a particular person - a sort of feeling which is beyond all reason and logic. There had been men.Lots in last four years. Men she wanted to be in love with, but she didn’t fall for. Men she made love to, but couldn’t belong to.Times she had woken up with someone and then went to bed with somone else. She had tried many things to tell her stupid heart to shut up. And lastly fed up with everything, she has decided to marry a man she had never met, kissed or made love to. Or even loved.

True love. It was in story books ,in the movies. And in her dreams. Reality was harsh. She was fooled, played with. Kept in an illusion and destroyed. She didn’t want to feel through that pain once again. She had walked out that door; she had won. Inside she had felt defeated. To life. To love. She can’t fight anymore to all the adversity heaped on her.She wished so many things didn’t happen. She wished she could turn back time and fix them. But then life is a one way street, and there’s no U turn to it.

So they met again at the Rockafellar last Tuesday. The same place they went during the first few dates.He had taught her to ice skate. Held her hand tightly when she was too scared to do so. She had trusted him. Now she is seeing him after four years. He looks much more of a man. The child in him with those sparkling eyes was gone. Or masked, brilliantly. She felt weak on her knees. Her lips trembled.She blushed again a little bit. She wished he would come and hold her tight and kiss her right there. Say that he missed her, and loved her. But now she wasn’t twenty two anymore. She was mature, independent woman who has apparently learnt to deal with her own life.

“Hey, gosh such a long time hah?”
“Yeah, long time”
“You look very pretty. How are you?”
“Thanks. I am great. Life is good. And you?”
“Not bad.Work took me here….and wondered if you are still in the city” he smiled. The way he always did.
“Yeah sorry, didn’t have the chance to tell you on phone…I am actually moving out of the city.”
“Oh okay…for?”
“Umm…getting married.”
He looked surprised.May be shocked. But like always, quickly hid it “Wow…that’s a great news; congrats… glad you found a great guy- Indian?”
“Yeah.”
“ What does he do?”
“Corporate lawyer. So I’m moving to California. The marriage would be in India, though.”
“Good for you.”
“And you?”
“Aww..well not much. Still living in Texas. Marriage, I haven’t thought about yet”
“I guess you never will. It limits your freedom to walk out with someone else whenever you want to, after all. But then as long as you find a girl who agrees to that life, it should be fine”. She smiled, coldly. She imagined some other woman in the same bed they have made love. In the arms of the same man, she planned to have babies with. With the man she planned to have a house which would be theirs. She calmed herself down. It’s okay. It’s life. It’s pain. It’s acceptance.
“ I am sorry about whatever happened. But I guess it’s just me. I hate to be chained”
“No, you are just scared of being honest. Or true”
“May be. But that’s who I am”
“Forget it. I don’t want to bring it up, really. I don’t know why you wanted to meet me”
“Look…I still care for you . I just wanted to know how you are”
“Thanks. I didn’t want the 600th fraction of your ‘care. This isn’t a good idea for me to be with you now. I am starting my new life…and I am excited about it.”
“I can see that”
“Yes,and with a honest, well settled guy”
“And rich, isn’t he?”
“So, am I.After all didn’t let you crush me totally”
“Ahh, I am glad. I am glad you are successful”
“Yeah, and I am sorry you didn’t make it as big”
“Screwed up a few things”
“ I can tell you why, if you want- you couldn’t committ. Neither to love, to life or to work. Anyway I really got to go. Not sure if I am glad to see you, but thought if I meet you I could get over my stupidity that really broke me into pieces”
“I did love you”
“Bye.”
She walked out. Tears dropped down her cheeks as she remembered how she has said such goodbyes, again and again. And this was for the one last time.

To be continued….

Food, gym and life.. ;)

Sometimes I need something which only you can provide : Your absence.

True. True.
Sometimes we all need to be alone. Well, no I didn't mean be alone and sulk. It means you got to be out of your "enamored" state, be yourself, judge things without being swayed by emotions, and work on your "own" life. Couple things have happened last few days.I will come to all of that later, or may be in another post. For now, the most amazing news is : I got my four months gym membership!

Last couple months in Mumbai, I have been eating voraciously. The food in TIFR is tempting, and in anyway I am kind of foodaholic.I have been consuming great quantity of rice twice a day with a range of curries and daal and curd and watching myself looking like a thin woman, but six months pregnant. I have a proper full south indian breakfast with medu vada, or idli or mysore masala dosa. An evening snack is usually dahi puri. Four meals a day, and the result shows when I look at myself in a lingerie. I am super critical when it comes to being in swimsuits. I just don't want to look out of shape at any cost!

So, I want to promise myself, I will eat a proper breakfast, skip the extra heavy lunch and go with bread fruits and all, drink plenty of water and yes! skip the evening snacks and have a good dinner. I need to work out, build some muscles. And, oh yeah did I tell I am doing much better in driving?

I need to do all of these. I have got back to reading habits (partying still holds true)and it's really good. The two weeks break is just amazing, it's worth it cause it makes me realize that you should be with somebody because a)you like it, and not cause you need it. b)you should not depend on someone else to be happy. Two simple rules, and life can be great. Also it helped me to see and understand things I was blind to and I hope from now on I will make better decisions.

After talking to Anne(and I will come to that later) who broke up with Steve, I felt both me and Anne have been stupid in the same ways. But then it's time to grow up.After all aerospace engineers should be some of the smartest lot of people ;)

Did I tell about a new proposal? The guy is from some IIT, then did in MBA in UChicago (I think broth school or something) and now is in California. Looks good, tall lol..and I guess smart as many other IITians. My mom says- don't make the same mistake I did. I went to find a boy that suited my dreams; turned down the rich settled guys to be with a professor..totally enamored by Soumitra Chatterji's movies.I hope you are smart enough to choose your guy more practically.

Yes mom, sure I am! I know I dream too much, but I am growing up. :)

With or without you.

Akash's parents have come over to Mumbai. Not only I moved out from his apartment removing the tiniest trace of evidence that we ever stayed together, he also finds it embarrassing to admit he has a girlfriend. We had lot of fights on the same issue over and over again. I know it's silly to beg for commitment,but I think I deserve some serious promises now.I am with him, one way or other for about three years now, last couple of months we live together mostly, and though while with him I don't doubt the tiniest bit he loves me, when I am away and try to analyze.... and I am skeptical. If I am the right girl, and if everything is okay between us...then why can't he talk to his parents? When you find the right person, any time is the right time for marriage..the rest in life adjusts itself.Or so says Chetan Bhagat.

I think it's pointless to"ask" him to commit for marriage. Even if he do so, just because I told him to, and it won't mean anything. I have not come all the way from USA to be his live-in girl friend. I wanted to settle our relation, to get accepted in each others family.

Anyway for two weeks, it's good to take a break. Live our own life. I hardly ever stay at my "own" home in Wadala or meet my "own" friends much. This should be a good time.

So...........it turned out I have just sooo many things to do!
1) Driving classes at 5-6.15
2)Gym from 7-8
3)Finish reading some books
4)Self rennovation workshop...aww I am excited. Cant wait to meet the new me!
5) Work on mind body looks
6)Party with friends
7)Visit elephanta caves
8)Think through and decide if what's happening is really what I want.

Okay for now I need to go to the parlour...and meet my friends at Bandra later evening.Gotta run!

;) Gorgeous me ;) ;)

Running Away

Right now I need to run. This uncontrollable desire to run is driving me crazy. I can't explain Akash, I feel so helpless suppressing these extreme emotions I am feeling...and I can't really comprehend why. I have to run now, idk from whom, I need to..may be there would be an answer if I do? May be I feel this for some reason? I don't know...wish I could explain...these myriads of emotions,I can't handle all these anymore. I can't hide it anymore and pretend to be normal when its eating me up.Idk, what to do.


To solve a problem you must recognize you have one. So start by accepting things when you are in a more rational state of mind. Crystal is not real. She has no existance, no brain…and where is she when she talks to you? It’s in your mind. It is but you. And why would God want to destroy you? If so, he could have done it worse. You had been fine in last eight months during your time at Fermilab…so what changed? Why have you gone back to those years in your teens when you had so much problems with these?What has changed?

I don’t know. I just know I feel like I need to run…run from everything.
But when you were in school, you wanted to run from your parents. Who are you running from now?

I don’t know, I just need to, so badly, I can’t explain. There’s too much heavyness inside, and this intense desire of going away…somewhere far. Where no one would know me, judge me….

That makes no sense. It’s not rational. You realize you are going mad? Why are all these coming back, what changed in Bombay? It stopped so long…
If Crystal is not real why do I know her? And she is not a problem. She is just my friend.She doesn’t bother me. She hardly interferes in my life…and I am NOT schrizophenic. I just don’t know why I’m depressed.

Because you can’t stay alone. You need someone. That’s why you are there at Akash’s place.That’s why you needed someone…always.Fred, Max, Judy…you can put up excuses,but the reason was you were scared. You can’t make decisions. You need someone to make them for you. You are every weekend at Akash’s place, and so you are miserable in the week cause you are alone. You imagine a commitment from him, and you stay. But what happens when you go to grad school…who will be there for you?

I don’t know.But I know things with Akash won’t last. I heard it…because its nice in the middle, the end will never be. Like everything. I know it.

Bullshit. You always knew it. You like pretending otherwise. He is a conservative guy. He might like a girl to move in, have sex with…he is fine with that as a lover, but not what he wants in a prospective wife. And what can be better than to have a living in maid with no commitment at all…forget his parents, not even a commitment from him personally that he promise to marry you? But you happily stay. And since you bring up Ria yes, she was with Shamit, but not living in the way you do exactly. But in any case, that didn’t work. So this living in thing wont, you know, I know, he knows. And so does the world. And so when you are so scared about the world laughing at you…THINK…you are doing things to make it laugh at you. When this won’t work, yes your family, Ria..your friends WILL laugh at you. And you have set it up for that.

Stop it. I need to go.

Depression

The first sysmptom of depression is that it absolutely kills your hunger. You feel indifferent to the needs of your system and you wish by some magic process you could become non-existant. That’s how I feel now.

My last resort is this pack of anti-depressants I have ordered. I feel my life so thoroughly screwed up and the irony is that with no one I can share this feeling of defeat. My parents and sister have never been close enough to console me. I would rather get a jeering mixed with some pity on me, which would make things worse.My boyfriend cheers me up, but then I am back to this usual me suffering the pains of failure.Jesse has done everything to make me feel better. No one gives me so much attention.But nothing is helping. I don’t know what I lacked. The rejection from Berkeley made me cry, when I had spent so much time on the application. And the no-response state from the others makes things so obvious.

You already got four school..- that’s what they said. Well yeah, three and in one, the funding is a bit screwed up. Nebraska, Ullinois Chicago , Vanderbilt and Ohio State. And none of these are schools I really wanted to attain. I don’t know why I applied..at that point I felt a PhD or a Masters from such safe schools wouldn’t be a disaster. But on the contrary, I feel different now. I gave up a prospective job offer at Fermilab, a corporate job offer at Cognizant and didn’t even try for anything else, other than praying and hoping to get in a top school.

And back to my crazy mind, which hears someone speaking ALWAYS. With a threat of I’ll destroy you, tone. I know I pretend to be not overtly religious…but who would believe my conversation with probably what I think is some sort of God? Ever since six we talk and he for some reason decides to screw my life for no apparent reason. He keepts telling me that I got everything too easily in last couple of years and I didn’t deserve it.Because somehow by fate, I don't deserve anything good.(Like when Akash and I were together,I was surprised of something so good happening to me...but I knew it wouldn't last). I didn’t deserve any of them, so why I should be special? He wants to drag me to a place I would have been without my so called glorious acheivements. And then, evaluates me. And hence all this rejections. I told him, I did everything to be someone, to be out of ordinary and to prove that our four history of undergrad do not dicate where we land up. I wanted to inspire. But I was wrong. I failed, and failed miserably.

To be honest I cannot understand what has gone so wrong. Sometimes I feel a hidden implication in it, that this is happening to drive to me to my unavoidable destiny. Last night I talked to Crystal, I cried and I cried with her. I am sorry for whatever happened to her and would be to me, I asked her if I could change it, and I know I can’t. But what if I am wrong? What if I don’t have eight years, but just few more months? What if this travel takes me to a place of no return? May be that’s why it is irrelevant what school I am going? May be if I got into a top school I would have changed my travel plans and worked on grad studies instead.

It's probably not just school. It's so many things, pains of failure, rejections and insecurities that is driving me crazy. At times I feel I am a paranoid, may be I need medical help. I always am apprehensive of some untimely consequence, of destruction...and some threat. Like, this is a serves you right kind of thing happening to me. I feel this pain is much harder to endure and it makes me regret my choices of the last two years, for taking internships instead of being the ordinary and join CTS. I now look foolish...to myself and to everyone. I don't have much time...to either live or succeed...and there are somethings I wanted so bad in this short wild crazy life, this anticlimax to all that is unexpected.

My fits of depression is driving me crazy. Akash says so. And I know it, but it has got so difficult to control. I am suicidal. I feel like dying. Because I keep feeling negetive about everything..that everything is going to fail.

I am lonely. I wish my mother loved me. Wish I had a sister who would have been a best friend.

I think I am mad. I should sleep.

Akash & June cubs

I want to smile and write a happy blog. It's been so long and it seems I have forgotten to be happy, to be really happy and feel satisfied with life. Yes, with Akash I think I am, but then too, he knows, there are fits of depression every now and then. Weekdays it's way more. But tonight for a few minutes I want to be out of this..Out of the worries for grad school, of Akash's parent's, of Crystal, of failures, and so on.

For last one hour I have been strolling through a number of blogs. But sadly, there is hardly anything that's getting me glued to reading it. So, after a survey of more than 100 blogs, I came to the conclusion that most of the blogs are a joint venture by the "wife and the husband" about their life and their children. Most of such families have new borns and they are excited to spread the news, update what new noise their baby made, or how the little thing responded. Such blogs make me feel a bit uncomfortable.It brings to mind the mondane life of the mid thirties and the monotony that follows. The thought of having children reminds me about growing old. And may be growing old as a nobody.

But, when really with Akash, though there is this conflicting desire of being an alpha female who would obtain high success and would be in par with any man, the sense of belonging feels too strong. I have some strong girlie features, I won't disagree and a part of me likes to be a home-maker. I would never be a house-wife...(damned this girl is actually going to start her phD in Aerospace soon!)

One day Akash me and his friend Ajay, went to this Kailash Kher's concert. He and his band members brought their babies to that concert...and they refered them as a Kailasha cubs. I just liked that term so much, and everytime we make love we kind of kid about it. The stupid protection spoils all the chances of having Akash and June cubs soon :P

The day ..I think Valentine's day night, I was SOO drunk, and as we made love, I kept screaming that I want 4, 5 or 6 babies. Then I settled for 6 "cubs". Though Akash is marriage and committment phobic I think he will make a great dad.And husband too.... But if we have strong tall boys, I think I am still to fragile to bear babies. If it's girl, like me...I might just manage. I hope I have a daughter!


Akash and me


Last time we were both a bit scared that I am pregnant. My cycle was so delayed. However I convinced myself that can't be true, and Akash wanted that I do the pregnancy test at home Friday evening, so something goes wrong we can take care of it over the weekend. Gladly everything was okay. But I kind of wish he was not so scared of family, babies and responsibility. I think for me, it would be emotionally very difficult to go through an abortion. I just hope and pray I don't have to.

In fact in next few years, if I do get pregnant, and if that is with a man I love, I would probably go ahead and have babies. Though this is not the right time, but I heard that with the right kind of guy anytime is the right time for marriage. Everything else adjusts itself.

Sometimes I dream of a happy family. Kind of one I never had. I want Akash to be a good dad, and I want to be a nice mom. I think I will be nice to my kids, and I kind of hope that I could be friends with them.My parents have given me many things, but I have never been close to them. When Baba and Mom seperated, and me and Ria moved with mom, ...I was all by myself. Mom and Ria probably had meaningful conversations and I only had Nick, Crystal, William and all.Uptil now I feel, touchwood, Akash and I am very happy. I am not the strong kind of woman, I like his support, his looking after me in different ways. I nowadays feel marriage is only a legal bonding, we share everything else that is in a marriage. Yes there had been misunderstandings, but at the end of the day I always know he loves me the most. Now I feel my three years of patience was worth it.

I tell Akash I want two girls. Or two children...but he is always bent on one. He reminds me of my relation with Ria to conform it. But then, that's why I would like to have two to show it's not true.But I am only twenty two, and we have some time before we decide on this :)

Many people even think we are married. I don't really mind, I hope to, soon.He said he would talk to his parents. But then, I know also the world isn't always fair.

The Letters from Charlottsville

From Chicago~
I think I owe you for all the help you have done. I agree my own boyfriend never cared enough to do a fraction of that. I am depressed that things didn't work out the way I thought. It's the way my luck works all the time. I play it great till the pre-finals, the finals always go wrong. I am sorry I treated you bad, though all you wanted was to care for me. I am stupid. I chase after the love, that was never mine, and probably would never be mine. I chase after a guy who keeps me in an illusion of forever love, but has done nothing to show prove that love, than giving me the simple things money can buy. I can't seem to transform myself, but sometimes I think of you and I feel guilty for treating you so bad. I think I am too emotional in fact; and that you were so much same was too much for me to handle. I didn't want you to love me or feel for me...I wanted to push you away. Because, I didn't want to hurt you, when I knew I could not love you. You might think I have forgotten you, and probably it's partly true. But I treasure your letters. For some reason, they have touched me and probably I am in love with them.I don't know why, when I met you, I couldn't correlate you with the guy who sent me those letters. It was like someone else. But I am sorry, I should have been nicer.I can't make up for that.This long chapter of my blog is on you, to show I do remember you.And oh, I did include one of the mails I wrote to you. In any case that was a rare thing.


About Feelings


"Baby, it's so crazy. We hardly knew each other all these years, and now our paths cross, half a world away from our city, and how! I sometimes feel that we are not to stay together for long. Well, guess it doesn't matter much. It doesn't matter as long as the few weeks we are together, our relation doesn't turn mundane - like so many of my relations did - relations with friends - girlfriends - and buddies. I'm scared of that - of a relation losing the flares - the sparks - and turning ordinary - like so many I've seen, felt and witnessed. I detest the word ordinary.

I sometimes feel that I'm not for long on this earth. but while I'm here, I'll live my life to fullest - drink it to the lees. So as I smoke one Marlboro Red after another - damn, these cigarettes are evil - I can't help but think of you. Think of you - of my past - so much that could have been - so much that didn't happen - mostly through my own faults. Or maybe I wasn't sure that I wanted those to happen. I'll never know if I was right or wrong. Probably wrong. But does it matter? I don't think it does. All I know is that I'm happy now. Happy with my workload, with my weekly booze parties, with the soccer games, the expeditions with Carlos. Happy with my teardrops, happy with my private dreams, and happy to dream of you.

I sometimes wonder. You are a lot like me, yet a bit unlike me. I want my life to exciting, yet I want to be in a stable relation. Sometimes I feel I don't know what I want. Right now, I want to die in someone's arms - someone like you - probably you yourself. I'll probably never find anyone else like you - or like me. I didn't - the last twenty-three years. Yet you lived close to me. And I discover you so far from home. That's life!

Given half a chance I'd fall in love with you. But I don't want the chance. Your thoughts and memories will probably lead you back to India. Back to someone who possibly doesn't want you, probably doesn't need you. How I need you baby. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. We, you and I, will always want the ones we can't get. Therein lies the jest. Maybe after you go back, I'll yearn for you. I'll tell you if I do.

But before you leave, I'll want a piece of you. (sounds creepy!) Maybe a photograph, maybe a few lines, maybe a an embrace, a kiss or a smile. Something that's meant for me, something that's meant to be mine alone. Don't know if I'll ever be the special one in your life, but I want you to be the special one in mine - more special than a lover or a girlfriend"

From Chicago back to Charlottsville


Well, as I said, I am back in CVille. Kinda didn't feel like having fun. Will go to DC on the 3rd to pick up Debbie. Debbie wanted me to stay in DC. but I wanted to be alone for a few days.. alone with my thoughts.

I cried on most of the trip back from Chicago. I was listening to the CDs we compiled. So many memories connected with each song, and as I listened to each song, all the emotions came rushing back. I don't know why I cried. It's certainly not manly, at least not what not by your definition. I knew all the while you were going back to Mumbai, god knows if I will ever see you again.. but the memories are so special.. Naperville, Ogden.. remember the night we went to the Walmart? It was so snowy and so cold.. and we were singing along with Enrique's "Hero" on the way back.. the song makes me feel so teary-eyed every time I'll listen to it since then.. on the day I came back, I went to she-nannigans one last time.. the bar where we lost and found your camera and id.. guess I'll go there again if I ever visit chicago.. I loved your lab..I'll probably try to get an internship there next summer.. even if I can't get back to you, i will get back to the lab.Funny how the most stupid meaningless incidents eventually can mean so much to me. It's so special.. I hope we- you and me- will stay in touch.. but then it's only a hope.


I still don't know why I made the 800 mile trip when I could have flown.. or I could have gone straight to LV.I guess you are really special.. buddies here in CVille told me so many times not to make the trip by car.. but I made it.Rusty was great and btw, I love her. But I saw a lot on the way to Batavia. I passed through Virginia, West virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois. Each state is so different from the other.I love the green mountains of my state; West virginia.. wild and wonderful as they say.. more mountains, but really different.. more rocks, less vegetations; Ohio, a few hills, lots of farmlands; the grasslands and flarness of indiana; the prairies of Illinois. I had a bit of fun on the way back .I was racing with a toyota corrola at 110 miles in the mountains of West Virginia.. a lot of fun weaving between other cars (going at 70 or 80) and chasing the silver corrola.On hindsight it was pretty risky, the terrain was not so great. Lots of twists and turns.. lucky i didn't have a cop on my tail (the speed limit was 65) but what the hell, it was fun.I managed to take a pic of the speedometer. Check it out.


Went to catch avatar on 3d in DC yesterday with Debbie. Lots of color and great action. I loved the birds the natives of Pandora flew on. And I adored the ending.. that makes the movie really awesome. That he remains his avatar.. Itx still didn't know that you weren't coming to New York. Oh! and I got a big quarter dollar for you from a gift shop in DC.. about 3 inches in diameter. I guess I'll keep it for myself.. and remember *your* quarter dollar pic in the LV hotel? I had it as my wallpaper for a few hours.. then changed it.. it was so charged with emotions.. I wish we could be together.. idk what that means exactly.I know, you don't want me , or love me or even think of me in any special way. I guess I mean it literally.. I do hope you write to me once in a while.. you are so very special.. don't know if you like/ dislike/ are indifferent to the fact.. but that's the way it is.. and I hope you become happy with your bf in Mumbai.


Gtg now.. need to get a meal.. haven't had one in the last 24 hours :)

Waiting in the Weeds

And I've been waiting in the weeds
- waiting for the dust to settle down
along the backroads running through the fields,
lying on the outskirts of this lonesome town.

And I imagine sunlight in your hair.
You're at the county fair -
You're holding hands and laughing.
And now, the ferris wheel has stopped.
You're swinging at the top,
suspended there with him.
And he's the darling of chic.
The flavor of the week
is melting down your pretty summer dress.
Baby, what a mess you're making.


Not so Random

You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.


I don't know why, but I am feeling so crazy. It's not my work; I know I will be up to it. But I am feeling blue. How I wish you were here, how I wish someone was here. I tried to get drunk yesterday. And I tried really bad. But no good. I am still where I was yesterday. Still alone, still numb, rather uncomfortably I must admit. And I can't get you off my mind. I dunno why. I need to. I was never this clear-headed and jumbled up at the same time ever before, about somebody. This dream is not going to last for ever. I hate the dreams that my mind envisions when I'm awake. I don't want my days to run into nights, and nights into days. Then only death. Smooth. Gentle. I can't fathom myself. I wish I were in love with you, with somebody, with anybody. That would have made things simpler, maybe. But better? No.

From ME


"The time is 2.30 in the morning. As another day passes by, as another dream gets lost somewhere in the unknown, I try to dig into the past....searching for things I once treasured and yet in time, they dissapeared into nowhere. .I walked through the prairie, by the lake, and watched a hazy moon behind the bare branches of a tree. Fall is here.... almost. And for some, it's almost winter.I tried to feel. Again. To live those intense emotions that I once did.... at 16 or may be at 18. But instead now, I feel cold. Unable to feel, relate or blend myself with the nature. It hurts...like I have lost the words, and sometimes I don't know if I like the person I have become; but I guess there's no turning back.Sometimes I wish I could get those years back...there would be so many things I would want to make right...but, it doesn't happen.


There was this girl, who hardly had a friend to talk. Who lived in a world of her own...and everything else was just a shadow. Who felt pain, who felt through things with an intensity she wished she didn't. Who was plagued by the misery, by the poverty. By the truth and the lies.And by her own whims. She had dreams, she had words, and she scribbled on the white pages things, that, for me now, seem difficult to decipher.May be it was profound. May be it was junk. In either way it was better than the ordinary.

I don't know if she exists anymore. I only wish, she did.

I never got a chance to tell you how well you write. Reminded me of the times when I would never live a day without writing my diary. Which happened to be a series of letter to Nick. Yes, the boyband guy, but moulded to suit my imagination and need.Obviously, I have gone out of practice. My first bf objected about entering "personal life updates" in the diary..and well envious that how an imaginary guy could have so much importance in my life.Ever heard the song "Imaginary Lover"?You would understand....

It's not often that I get to read an email I really enjoy. I don't have very many friends to write me such letters. Truth is very little of this world actually wonders about you...enough to write to you. Yes, there are one or two of them in my life... So, the ones from you are great treats for me. The letter from Cvile...or even the one to your parents, it was so personal, and even though you wrote in bengali, ...it felt like I was reading a novel...ones like those Jhumpa Lahiri stories, and I couldn't wait to read the next chapter...and I hope they go on , like Jhumpa's stories which are however not about some destiny or conclusion. It's funny, how a book changed my life ....well almost.

I'm not sure I am making much sense. It's been a while I have written much to anyone. And I wonder if the letter has ended up in being a string of incoherent thoughts, but then, really, do I have to apologize? I guess not"

Looking Back : Fears and Tears

This is something I penned about six years back. The piece, by the way, was titled "Introspection".

The dusty road stretches far, it stretches for miles ahead, it stretches thorough life, through sorrow, through loneliness, fake joy - leads you yonder to the blue hills - to the blue sky - the romantic clouds - to eternity. The fields are barren. They will allow nothing to be grown on them. The soil - the Mother Earth will be so unmotherlike - so unfriendly - hurting others at the cost of hurting herself.

I am a traveller in time. I strolled through the forest glades, the steep mountainsides, the sun-caressed valleys, the rough unyielding shale-covered seashores - all took their tolls; they are so beautiful it hurts - but none like us ourselves; we are so spectacular - that hurts much more.

Yesterday it was spring; I was admiring the azure sky resting on a leaf-carpeted meadow - surrounded by the sights and sounds of nature.. ah that was lovely. Today it's the Russian winter - rough, harsh, revelling in its ruthlessness.

.....

I resigned myself to the fact that I am somehow a bit different from most regular people, well, almost all of them. Call me a freak.. a jerk.. but that's what I decided I am. I don't mean that I'm intellectually superior or anything like that.. it's the way I think, it's the way I believe, it's the way I act. And it's not voluntary.. that's how I am. I tried to mix with a lot of guys.. and I tried to change myself for some girls.. but you can act only so far.. somehow I couldn't connect to them. So I went back to my shell.. to my own private paradise.. to my own boulevard of broken dreams. I am the king there.. and I could be happy with myself.. once in a while my emotions would tangle me up.. and I'd try to fall in love.. with someone like Mukta maybe. You know, she is the one girl I found that I really wanted to be with.. the only person in the last four years.. But it's okay.. we have a correlation coefficient of like negative one.. So it's just God's way of clear thinking.. If I can't think straight, I'm glad that at least she could.


I don't know how I changed.. have I really changed? or was it the people around that changed so fast? If I look back over my shoulders, I can still see this kid who would be happy to smile, to laugh, to take each day as it comes.. and find fun in the simple joys that life has to offer. I still find fun in simple joys.. but their sources have changed! Why can I not find happiness in things that amuse other people? Am I so much above them? How come my tastes (for want of a better word) changed so much? Why do I have to get away from people, as far as I can, to have some joy? Believe me, I don't want to.. but I can't help it.. Staying away from a lot of people is what kept me sane all these years. Yet a lot of people think I'm crazy. Trust me, I can still think straight.. It's just that some guys think in a curved line, and think that their curved line is actually straight.. Now that is crazy.

I learnt to find fun staying with myself. I talk aloud a lot.. I talk to myself. I am my best friend.. perhaps my only friend. Some of my happiest hours in Kolkata were spent in scavenging second-hand bookstores in Gariahat. People thought I was crazy. Who would want to know of something that happened half a century back, half a world away? But I wanted to know. And I wanted to know so much, that I filled up a whole bookshelf with such books. It was the film Memphis Belle that started it all... those quaint old prop planes turned my life on its head. I can’t explain it, and I am not going to try; but I felt I just had to know more about those insane days- about the flak-torn skies over wartime Europe, about the loneliness of a freezing airgunner six miles up in the sky, about the air armada laying siege to a city, and about the airmen, most of them kids scarcely out of high school. Those books, my flight sim that I can't fly any more, my music collection.. these kept me happy.

One of my favourite verses.. written by a Spitfire pilot, John Magee Jr..

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of—wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there,
I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air....
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark nor even eagle flew—
And, while with silent lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

Everytime I flew my Spitfire, virtually of course, I could literally feel his emotions. I wait for the day I can fly. I wish I could soar the sky alone... where all is clean and pure, where there are no lousy people - like me - where life is simple and you can talk to God and be of God, without shame.

I too maintained a diary in those days.. That's how I communicated with myself. There was still a bit of the ordinary me left in me those days.. So I guess I needed a medium for communication. Sometimes I flip through those words I wrote six to seven years back and I have to wonder if that was the same person as me who wrote the stuff. I still have my dreams.. it's just that I don't have the words anymore..


Another World

TRANSIT:

The Indo-Pak border fades away under the port wing with strains of Jimi Hendrix. The rolling sand-dunes of Afghanistan and the sparkle of water far far below. The sandhyatara gives company to the lonely moon, and Bob Marley. The moon, and the evening-star stays with us almost up to NYC. The AI flight took the polar route, and we had a 30 hour day. One good thing about the flight; they gave us a lot of good music. I mean, they had Bob Marley, the Stones, White Stripes, Sinatra, and a lot other. And yes, good movies, too. Watched a bit of The Bridge on the River Kwai before I felt I needed some music. We flew over the Russian plains. Knopfler and the vodka. Damn. I was so cocky I took two shots neat, and then the magic started :P This Mark Knopfler album I was listening to had like 15 songs. When the vodka hit the bloodstream, I was listening to the first track, Beachcombing I think it was. Boy, I hardly knew what happened to the next 14 songs. It all felt like one eternal piece of music. All I wanted to do was look at the moon, the stars and the tundra. The effects stayed right up to the Scandinavia, if I recall correctly, and would have stayed a lot longer. But I had to fill in the I-94. Damn! I could hardly focus my eyes on anything, and I had to fill in this form. Why the hell didn’t I take a beer? Damn! Why the hell didn’t I stick to Coke? I slapped a lot of water into my eyes, filled up the forms (there were 2).. with a lot of help from the kindly woman sitting beside me, and promptly went to sleep. I needed a bit of sleep before I faced the immigration interview.


CHRISTINE:

Christine Williams: BS, Maths, Univ of Alabama at Birmingham; PhD, Economics, Univ of Virginia (starting Fall 09). Whoever said Americans are dumb? This girl is a couple of years younger than me, and I can figure out she is way smarter than me. She had a single complaint about her Econ PhD program batch mates: nobody smoked. Nobody, that is until she found Rahul (my room-mate). So the two of them worked out a plan, a secret plan. The two of them will only smoke in each others company. Well, I was around of course, and the three of us ran through half a pack in short time. She has been all over the world. Italy and Canada and China and Tibet, and the other countries I forgot. And then she talked about her experiences with food and drinks and a few other things :) I think I'm going to a concert coming Sunday with a few econ guys.. It costs 10 bucks to attend the concert legally, but there's a restaurant on the other side of the gate where you can sit, eat, drink and listen to the music; free. I mean only the music is free.


BOOZE and FAGS:

Booze is dirt-cheap. At least the cheap variety is dirt-cheap. The sort of nameless faceless stuff that gives you a good high and a tremendous hangover. I can't stand the taste, so I put in some coke. Not Coca-Cola, but a cheap cola. I've been taking alcohol with tea, coke, coffee, water; and alcohol. The only good thing, I suppose, is that I'm taking in a lot of fluids :) Fags cost a hell of a lot, though. Most brands are like $5 to $6 for a pack of 20. But there's usually a discount of a dollar on at least one of the Marlboro variants. I like Reds, but well, beggars can't be choosers. According to Christine, in US, grad students are below the poverty line. How true! Rahul and I decided to get rid of the furnishing. That will save 25 bucks a month. 25 bucks is almost a carton of fags, that's 200. That's not too bad.

Love me, love me not

“June…”
“Yeah?”
“You look so pretty tonight”
I look at him. I need love Max, and you know that. Don’t look at me like that, don’t make me weak. I have a promise to keep. I have a man, I want to go back to. I have waited so long just to be back with him, I can’t withdraw now. I need a conclusion to that story, I don’t want to wonder all my life, what if I had given it another chance. I wish I could stay, I wish I could hold your hand, and really mean it. But I don’t want to fake it. I can’t.
Today is the cold winter night of January. It’s my last few days with you, Max. I want to go out, and walk in the snow. Watch the stars. Talk. About so many more things. You are still a cute kid Max, and it’s funny how you believe me about everything I say. We are in a country where love doesn’t mean too much, where relationships are like those picoseconds supernovas inside the accelerator. Where no one gives time to think through feelings and they dissapear with the fleeting nights and the days. I am a traveler of time; I can’t stay. I wish sometimes so bad that I could, but my life moves faster than my thoughts; and may be when someday I would realize I could have loved you, you won’t be there.
You take your jacket. For last few days I have seemed kind of desperate. May be tired of this celibacy. My hormones work well, my body needs the touch and the feel of love. Not that I am full of morality, just don’t know how would it be if you really make love to me. I don’t want to spend another year in a heartbreak. In an illusion of love. After all, Max…you are but an American.
It’s freezing cold outside. You shrug at the thought of going outdoors, but I convince you anyway. I want to take you to my favourite places tonight. I know they are so pretty in summer and fall. May be you can take your parents over here this summer? We drive the car to the parking area around the highrise. It’s empty …I lead you to the lit up way of the forest that goes to Lederman Center.
“Gross..this is so cold”
“Max!!”
“Whatt…this is killing me June!”
“Look ahead”
He looks in awe.
“Shit man….” He stands still.
I smiled “Do you like this?”
“It’s beautiful…”
It was the small lit up waterfall in the forest. The running water made a contrasting effect with the quietness around, the soft snow white snow bore our footsteps, and the winter forest witnessed brief moment of togetherness of some undefined lovers.
I look at him .“Kiss me…”
We walk through the way, you taking videos with your iphone as we walk and talk and laugh. I show you the Lederman Center, the cultivation pond, the deep dark forest which we used to frequent in summer nights.You put everything in that memory chip of yours. May be that’s what I’ll have of you Max. I will miss you. I will miss you very much, indeed.



PS: The icecream..was amazing ;)