For last one hour I have been strolling through a number of blogs. But sadly, there is hardly anything that's getting me glued to reading it. So, after a survey of more than 100 blogs, I came to the conclusion that most of the blogs are a joint venture by the "wife and the husband" about their life and their children. Most of such families have new borns and they are excited to spread the news, update what new noise their baby made, or how the little thing responded. Such blogs make me feel a bit uncomfortable.It brings to mind the mondane life of the mid thirties and the monotony that follows. The thought of having children reminds me about growing old. And may be growing old as a nobody.
But, when really with Akash, though there is this conflicting desire of being an alpha female who would obtain high success and would be in par with any man, the sense of belonging feels too strong. I have some strong girlie features, I won't disagree and a part of me likes to be a home-maker. I would never be a house-wife...(damned this girl is actually going to start her phD in Aerospace soon!)
One day Akash me and his friend Ajay, went to this Kailash Kher's concert. He and his band members brought their babies to that concert...and they refered them as a Kailasha cubs. I just liked that term so much, and everytime we make love we kind of kid about it. The stupid protection spoils all the chances of having Akash and June cubs soon :P
The day ..I think Valentine's day night, I was SOO drunk, and as we made love, I kept screaming that I want 4, 5 or 6 babies. Then I settled for 6 "cubs". Though Akash is marriage and committment phobic I think he will make a great dad.And husband too.... But if we have strong tall boys, I think I am still to fragile to bear babies. If it's girl, like me...I might just manage. I hope I have a daughter!
Akash and me
Last time we were both a bit scared that I am pregnant. My cycle was so delayed. However I convinced myself that can't be true, and Akash wanted that I do the pregnancy test at home Friday evening, so something goes wrong we can take care of it over the weekend. Gladly everything was okay. But I kind of wish he was not so scared of family, babies and responsibility. I think for me, it would be emotionally very difficult to go through an abortion. I just hope and pray I don't have to.
In fact in next few years, if I do get pregnant, and if that is with a man I love, I would probably go ahead and have babies. Though this is not the right time, but I heard that with the right kind of guy anytime is the right time for marriage. Everything else adjusts itself.
Sometimes I dream of a happy family. Kind of one I never had. I want Akash to be a good dad, and I want to be a nice mom. I think I will be nice to my kids, and I kind of hope that I could be friends with them.My parents have given me many things, but I have never been close to them. When Baba and Mom seperated, and me and Ria moved with mom, ...I was all by myself. Mom and Ria probably had meaningful conversations and I only had Nick, Crystal, William and all.Uptil now I feel, touchwood, Akash and I am very happy. I am not the strong kind of woman, I like his support, his looking after me in different ways. I nowadays feel marriage is only a legal bonding, we share everything else that is in a marriage. Yes there had been misunderstandings, but at the end of the day I always know he loves me the most. Now I feel my three years of patience was worth it.
I tell Akash I want two girls. Or two children...but he is always bent on one. He reminds me of my relation with Ria to conform it. But then, that's why I would like to have two to show it's not true.But I am only twenty two, and we have some time before we decide on this :)
Many people even think we are married. I don't really mind, I hope to, soon.He said he would talk to his parents. But then, I know also the world isn't always fair.
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