Depression

The first sysmptom of depression is that it absolutely kills your hunger. You feel indifferent to the needs of your system and you wish by some magic process you could become non-existant. That’s how I feel now.

My last resort is this pack of anti-depressants I have ordered. I feel my life so thoroughly screwed up and the irony is that with no one I can share this feeling of defeat. My parents and sister have never been close enough to console me. I would rather get a jeering mixed with some pity on me, which would make things worse.My boyfriend cheers me up, but then I am back to this usual me suffering the pains of failure.Jesse has done everything to make me feel better. No one gives me so much attention.But nothing is helping. I don’t know what I lacked. The rejection from Berkeley made me cry, when I had spent so much time on the application. And the no-response state from the others makes things so obvious.

You already got four school..- that’s what they said. Well yeah, three and in one, the funding is a bit screwed up. Nebraska, Ullinois Chicago , Vanderbilt and Ohio State. And none of these are schools I really wanted to attain. I don’t know why I applied..at that point I felt a PhD or a Masters from such safe schools wouldn’t be a disaster. But on the contrary, I feel different now. I gave up a prospective job offer at Fermilab, a corporate job offer at Cognizant and didn’t even try for anything else, other than praying and hoping to get in a top school.

And back to my crazy mind, which hears someone speaking ALWAYS. With a threat of I’ll destroy you, tone. I know I pretend to be not overtly religious…but who would believe my conversation with probably what I think is some sort of God? Ever since six we talk and he for some reason decides to screw my life for no apparent reason. He keepts telling me that I got everything too easily in last couple of years and I didn’t deserve it.Because somehow by fate, I don't deserve anything good.(Like when Akash and I were together,I was surprised of something so good happening to me...but I knew it wouldn't last). I didn’t deserve any of them, so why I should be special? He wants to drag me to a place I would have been without my so called glorious acheivements. And then, evaluates me. And hence all this rejections. I told him, I did everything to be someone, to be out of ordinary and to prove that our four history of undergrad do not dicate where we land up. I wanted to inspire. But I was wrong. I failed, and failed miserably.

To be honest I cannot understand what has gone so wrong. Sometimes I feel a hidden implication in it, that this is happening to drive to me to my unavoidable destiny. Last night I talked to Crystal, I cried and I cried with her. I am sorry for whatever happened to her and would be to me, I asked her if I could change it, and I know I can’t. But what if I am wrong? What if I don’t have eight years, but just few more months? What if this travel takes me to a place of no return? May be that’s why it is irrelevant what school I am going? May be if I got into a top school I would have changed my travel plans and worked on grad studies instead.

It's probably not just school. It's so many things, pains of failure, rejections and insecurities that is driving me crazy. At times I feel I am a paranoid, may be I need medical help. I always am apprehensive of some untimely consequence, of destruction...and some threat. Like, this is a serves you right kind of thing happening to me. I feel this pain is much harder to endure and it makes me regret my choices of the last two years, for taking internships instead of being the ordinary and join CTS. I now look foolish...to myself and to everyone. I don't have much time...to either live or succeed...and there are somethings I wanted so bad in this short wild crazy life, this anticlimax to all that is unexpected.

My fits of depression is driving me crazy. Akash says so. And I know it, but it has got so difficult to control. I am suicidal. I feel like dying. Because I keep feeling negetive about everything..that everything is going to fail.

I am lonely. I wish my mother loved me. Wish I had a sister who would have been a best friend.

I think I am mad. I should sleep.