Running Away

Right now I need to run. This uncontrollable desire to run is driving me crazy. I can't explain Akash, I feel so helpless suppressing these extreme emotions I am feeling...and I can't really comprehend why. I have to run now, idk from whom, I need to..may be there would be an answer if I do? May be I feel this for some reason? I don't know...wish I could explain...these myriads of emotions,I can't handle all these anymore. I can't hide it anymore and pretend to be normal when its eating me up.Idk, what to do.


To solve a problem you must recognize you have one. So start by accepting things when you are in a more rational state of mind. Crystal is not real. She has no existance, no brain…and where is she when she talks to you? It’s in your mind. It is but you. And why would God want to destroy you? If so, he could have done it worse. You had been fine in last eight months during your time at Fermilab…so what changed? Why have you gone back to those years in your teens when you had so much problems with these?What has changed?

I don’t know. I just know I feel like I need to run…run from everything.
But when you were in school, you wanted to run from your parents. Who are you running from now?

I don’t know, I just need to, so badly, I can’t explain. There’s too much heavyness inside, and this intense desire of going away…somewhere far. Where no one would know me, judge me….

That makes no sense. It’s not rational. You realize you are going mad? Why are all these coming back, what changed in Bombay? It stopped so long…
If Crystal is not real why do I know her? And she is not a problem. She is just my friend.She doesn’t bother me. She hardly interferes in my life…and I am NOT schrizophenic. I just don’t know why I’m depressed.

Because you can’t stay alone. You need someone. That’s why you are there at Akash’s place.That’s why you needed someone…always.Fred, Max, Judy…you can put up excuses,but the reason was you were scared. You can’t make decisions. You need someone to make them for you. You are every weekend at Akash’s place, and so you are miserable in the week cause you are alone. You imagine a commitment from him, and you stay. But what happens when you go to grad school…who will be there for you?

I don’t know.But I know things with Akash won’t last. I heard it…because its nice in the middle, the end will never be. Like everything. I know it.

Bullshit. You always knew it. You like pretending otherwise. He is a conservative guy. He might like a girl to move in, have sex with…he is fine with that as a lover, but not what he wants in a prospective wife. And what can be better than to have a living in maid with no commitment at all…forget his parents, not even a commitment from him personally that he promise to marry you? But you happily stay. And since you bring up Ria yes, she was with Shamit, but not living in the way you do exactly. But in any case, that didn’t work. So this living in thing wont, you know, I know, he knows. And so does the world. And so when you are so scared about the world laughing at you…THINK…you are doing things to make it laugh at you. When this won’t work, yes your family, Ria..your friends WILL laugh at you. And you have set it up for that.

Stop it. I need to go.