The purposelessness of this stupid life

I am not really contemplating suicide. But I find myself thinking of death pretty often.The same feelings of my teen years are coming over again. Sometimes my whole existence do not seem to make much sense, and there's too much going on to carry around with me all the time. Everything I want, and even including death seems something that doesn't come easy.

I think I don't have the mere courage. It's easy to wish you were dead, but it's so hard to die. For the first time when I saw death more closely, I realized I was so scared.I was afraid like anything...as I looked behind and saw the deep gorge, I felt scared. A slip of my feet would land me somewhere there, dead. The entire trek I was scared of so many things, and I realize in fact I am afraid of death like everyone else. Or may I am more afraid of the pain associated?

I am almost 23, and still done nothing worthwhile in my life.I have stood apart from the crowd by doing a whole bunch of ridiculous thing, but I see myself taking the same well worn out path after a a couple of years and growing old as a nobody. I don't really have anyone to live for either; when with Akash, I thought I found a reason. I love Jesse, but then he has a family, he has kids that give him reason to live. I don't find much purpose to my life...I am not benefiting anyone,the world, the society in any way.Not even my parents with whom I hardly talk. I hardly fit in with people...in a while I need to run from them and be on my own. I can't even maintain friends too long.Added to all this I think I am partially mad too.This purposelessness drives me crazy.I think I need detachment, and yet that detachment makes me feel so useless,so redundant in this world. I am only a burden to many, who just out of their goodness tries to make me happy, do so much for me...but I have nothing to give in return. The debt of their goodness is too much for me to bear at times and though I know what is expected of me, I do nothing to show my gratitude.I get many things I don't deserve, and sometimes the guilt of it kills me. And what I feel I deserve so much, like everyone else, I find myself deprived there.I really have no purpose -at the most I present an example of bizarreness which is not something people should be inspired from.