“You told me there are things that you wanted to tell me”
“Some other time, not now”
“You say that everytime”
“I know, but I love it here. I love it here with you, and I don’t want to feel the pain. I just want you to like me”
"I already like you very much. And for nothing I would judge you. Trust in me"
I liked his simplistic attitude. I knew he meant what he said, and the simple English translations of his German feelings somehow made the equations between us much easier to deal with. We didn’t have a lot in common, apparently.Our taste of music was very different, our perception and philosophies of life, our ambitions- there was no similarity at all! But yet we liked each other a lot. We cared for each other in some tangible and intangible ways.And above all those complex feelings, we were good friends. And that was pretty much it.
I cuddled up in his arms, as we lay behind the bushes and the tall grasses at the shore of the lake.The full moon shone brightly, and I could still see the twinkle in his blue eyes. We were wrapped in the white sheets, but I still wore his red sweat shirt. It was the mid August, and there was a bit of chill in the air and since I was too sensitive to cold, the jacket saved me. He said I looked cute in that. I think I did, but I liked it more, because it was his.
I liked watching the ripples of the water as the moonbeam fell on them. He held me close to him. I could feel his hands running over my arms, and my waist, and yet a little hesitant to do anything more. I looked at him. Shit,I wish I could tell him he looked so beautiful. I kissed his unshaven cheeks, and held his face. He looked at me.“Are you sure?” he asked.
I said, I don’t know what that means. But somewhere in me I feel a lot of pain that I want to run away from yet I have no clue which road to take. I probably claim to have a bf I want to return back to and I also have a lover, and yet I am so insecure. I want to run from those feelings . But then is lust the answer to the guilt and the pain? I didn't know. Nor did he. I lived in the transitoriness of those intimate moments and for a brief while escaped into another world with him, where no one knew me, where no one judged me.But the mornings after those acts I realized, nothing has changed, and I was only trying to run from myself. The person in my place the night before was but a mere stranger, and she and I were just too different but trapped in the same body.
I knew goodbye was inevitable. It bothered me then and now, and yet it didn't. I liked the abstractness of the relation or the bond and yet the detachment in it. The last night I spent with him, while I was in his arms, I realized, that the once broken barriers of my life can never be mended.I looked at him, he had the strange innocence of a child, his hate, love, wanting was so simple. He had never been able to venture into the complex thoughtwebs of my head, and everytime he tried, he was pushed back. He was shy even. But I told him, this time, I love him. I don't know if that was possible, but for that moment, I think I meant it literally. When he left, and was traveling the East Coast before returning to Germany, he called me everyday and said he missed me. And he feels he is in love with me. I missed him a lot, and yet love was something I never really understood.
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