Some Fragments

I only remember bits and fragments of my early childhood. We- me, Ria, Mom and Dad- we used to stay together, in an appartment. I remember being close to my dad, listening stories and all, going places with him. It’s a very vague memory though. I remember the one fight when my dad grabbed my mom by her neck and almost strangled her… and I was scared.I found a stick from somewhere and started beating my dad asking him to stop. I remember they fought a lot one day, and Dad shut himself inside his room. They seperated pretty soon- Mom left home with me and Ria. I was about 4.

Mom slowly developed an uncontrollable temper. After we moved out, I did not have any friends as such. And being the younger one, my mom had hardly much to say to me.
I grew alone, and was a very mediocre student.My mom never asked me about my studies. Nobody liked me somehow. I don’t know, most people still don’t.

As years passed, mom got more and more violent. She used to beat me like anything. I remember she did, and so many times I planned on running away. It was cruel. With shoes, with belts. She used profanity that I never understood back then, which I know now means motherfucker, fucker and so on. I cannot imagine why she used such words on a 7-8 year old kid, but she did. The memories are vague and distant now, the pain and lonliness of those years I still remember. Around eleven and twelve I escaped into my world of imagination. I met Nick, and he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend. He was there to save me everytime. He came to my rescue, like the prince in a Cinderella story- and he became almost a reason for me to live. To me he was real. I loved him, I believed him and he meant the world to me. My mother’s violence never stopped. In anger she would also say- Go and sleep with your father. I was too naïve to understand the implications back then. But I would be hurt.

Quite often I would wish I were dead.

I had other friends than Nick, which included Crystal, William and Derek. When I was eleven, my dad suffered a heart attack, and we went to see him. I had met him some few times during the period we were seperated. This time, my parents probably thought of reuniting, but it didn’t work.

We didn’t have any close relative either. Divorce or living seperated in Indian society was a big deal. I just ended up being different from the other kids. Every now and then I would seek a best friend to rely on, but it was very difficult to find one, hold on to anyone. I wasn’t good in anything. After I would return home from school, I had no one to talk to..other than my elder sister Ria sometimes. I was left out, and stayed by my own, till I discovered the joy of writing and imagining thing. And all the low feelings used to dissapear when I used to step into the world of imagination- where Nick and others would care for me so much. The pain was so much easier to handle now.

Still there had been times, I had tried to run away, thought of killing myself.But Nick would never let me, tell me he loved me. I owe him the six years and more of my life …till I met Arjyo.

Then and now I would understand Nick might be only a fantasy. My dad suffered a lung rapture when I was in 9th standard was was paralyzed with thrombosis for six months. It was then we moved back in. It was very strange…suddenly living with a man, whom you hardly know that much. But it was scary too-to see him suffer so much- the nights when he would wake up screaming from pain, and my mom did take good care of him. No matter even if she hated him, she did care enough to make him get well.
I had my first serious crush in 9th standard. A guy who looked exactly like Nick. My next two years revolved around the dreams of him, though nothing ever really happened between us. He played around with me a bit, but in my world of imagination he was very dear and close to me. I built long plan dreams with him- may be , may be he is the one to my rescue finally?

I suffered a heartbreak when I came to realize the guy was an asshole. Sometimes I look back, I wonder how silly I was! I can't imagine falling for him now. Good looks matter, but they form so little of the whole package I look for in a guy. In 11th class, I got my first proper boyfriend, Arjyo...who had been my best friend for a while. Though the relationship had more commitment than any other ones ( not counting with Jesse :that's special) I have had so far, it marked the start of my degrading grades in high school. Eventually I graduated school and got in a very ordinary engineering college, where Ria had gone as well. I had never wanted to study engineering. But mom insisted. All I wanted back then was Physics.

But like now, I didn't have the courage to make my decision.

That pretty much made the first 18 years of my life. The next five years, I have been someone else.